


Anything that is beautiful People want to break

by ThefangirlingBread



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Artist Castiel, Broken Bones, Broken Castiel, Broken Sam Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural) Has an Eating Disorder, Castiel Gives Oral Sex, Castiel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Castiel Has a Religious Family, Castiel is Not Okay, Castiel is a Softie, Castiel is a Sweetheart, Castiel is of Legal Age, Confused Dean Winchester, Couch Cuddles, Court proceedings for likely, Courtroom Drama, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, Daddy Kink, Doctor/Patient, Domestic Violence, Drunkenness, Hallucinating Sam Winchester, Hand Jobs, Human Castiel, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Oral Sex, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Mutual Masturbation, My First AO3 Post, No Hunting, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Non-Consensual Touching, Out of Character, Protective Sam Winchester, SO MANY TAGS!!, Sam Winchester is Loved, Self-Harming Castiel, Sleepy Cuddles, Stockholm Syndrome, Stuffed Toys, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, bookkeeper Sam, castiel has stockholm syndrome, dean doesn't know wtf to do, doctor Alastair, maggots in food, no details about the non-con oral sex, no supernatural, not accurate, probably out of character, the domestic violence is involuntary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-05-17 07:59:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 28
Words: 53,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThefangirlingBread/pseuds/ThefangirlingBread
Summary: The Non-con, Violence and the abusive relationship is not between Cas and Sam so don't worry. :) I'm listing this as explicit just to be safe. More tags will be added as the fic goes on. So please read the tags. The title of this fic is from a Nicole Dollanganger song.Sam Winchester was found after being hit by a car. Wandering the streets with a broken wrist and hallucinating the devil. He ends up in a psychiatric hospital, where he meets Castiel. A far too slender blue-eyed man, beautiful enough to be a fallen angel.This is their story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The is just an introduction chapter. I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.

                                   

 

  
After a bystander found Sam mumbling to himself on the street about the devil following him around and with his left wrist broken. The bystander called 911 and had Sam taken to the hospital. It becomes very clear to the doctors and nurses that they couldn't discharge Sam back onto the streets. So they transferred him to a mental hospital to get him some help.

The morning after his wrist is treated Sam is transferred to the nearest psych hospital. The second he's admitted, the nurse filling out his paperwork takes his shoes, his phone, his wallet and other things not allowed on in the ward like his pocket knife. He's happy the nurse lets him keep his wallet photo of himself and his brother Dean (Who was notified about Sam's admission to the original hospital but hadn't responded to the voicemail yet). The nurse snapped a hospital bracelet to his good wrist as she left the room. When the nurse left the room she was quickly replaced with a smiling woman with long red hair and legends of Zelda lanyard with her Id tag at the end. She offers her hand out for Sam to shake. Sam accepts it by returning the smile with a small half smile. After their handshake, the woman finally speaks, "My name is Charlie, I'm your case manager. I'm the person you come to whenever you need something or have a problem. I'm available for you from 9 am to 5 pm, if you have an emergency after dinner speaking to one the nurses would be best. Ready for the tour?"

Sam isn't sure if he's ready for a tour of this place but he isn’t sure he has any choice. Sam shrugs, “Hi nice to meet you, Sure show me around”. Sam is shown several open lounge rooms half full of people just seem to be sitting around, the cafeteria, the showers, the washrooms, and the medication counter. Sam frowns at the seeing that counters he’s been off his meds for awhile now, and isn’t sure how he feels about going back on them. Charlie sees his frown and skims through the file in her hands.

Charlie turns to look Sam in the eyes it’s a sincere look. “Sam, you haven’t filled out your prescriptions in close to two years, they were helping, weren’t they? Why’d you stop taking them?”

Sam shakes his head before looking down, “My Dad kept taking the bottles and selling them.”

Charlie looks sympathetic she squeezes his shoulder and trying to reassure him, “Well he can’t do that here. I’m going to ask that you start taking them again.” Sam just nods. “Okay let’s finish off the tour off with your room,” Charlie says trying to lighten up the mood. Sam swallows and nods again. He’s shown to a room with two beds, two desks and a cabinet between the two desks. Half the room looks empty, the other half further away from the door looks lived in. The bed is made and has sock monkey plush on it. The desk is empty other than a few sketchbooks and pencils. Taped the wall are few drawing, not the kinds of drawing you’d assume to see on the wall in psych hospital but beautifully detailed nature scenes. Charlie notices Sam seeing all of the belongs of the other side of the room. “You do have a roommate his name is Castiel, he’s really nice.” Sam nods again. He tilts his head when he notices the sock monkey again. Charlie says from behind him, “Oh we do allow comfort objects if you have a visitor that drops one off.” Sam turns back to her, he wants to ask how young his roommate is if they still need a plush animal to get to sleep at night. He decides against it when he realizes that a teddy bear might actually help him and that asking Dean to bring him one might be an idea. Charlie waves, “Well I need to go back to my office now, Castiel should be back in here in a little bit, he’s in group therapy right now. He’ll help you the Schuele and stuff if you need me my office is next to Lounge two. You missed breakfast but lunch starts at 12:30, see you later Sam.” With that, the woman left the room. Sam sighs he pulls his photo out of his pocket setting it on his desk. Maybe he can get some tape from this Castiel person to stick it to the wall. He isn’t really sure what to do with himself but he really doesn’t feel like hanging out with anyone in lounges right now. So he sits on his bed. It doesn’t take him long with being alone for the voice to start again. The laughing taunting voice. He ignores it choosing to fixate on his cast instead. It’s itchy against his wrist. He wonders why did that car have to hit him? He wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t. The voice of the devil he hears uses that to mess with him even more.

Finally, after a while, he can’t take it any longer. He shouts, “Why won’t you leave me the fuck alone!”. When he looks up he sees a slender young man in the doorway of the room, with jet black hair looking as if a hurricane was used as his hairbrush, and deep blue eyes with dark bags under them, pink chapped lips, and wearing a baggy light blue sweater with black jeans and fuzzy honey bee socks. This must be Castiel. He looks confused and that makes sense, his new roommate just yelled at him for no reason.

The young man strides into the room still looking at Sam. “I can’t leave you alone this is my room too if you have an issue with that you can ask to be moved” Castiel sounds annoyed. Great Sam thinks to myself he’s already made a bad first impression.

Sam Sits up turning towards Castiel’s bed to apologize. “I’m sorry I wasn’t telling you to leave me alone. Sometimes I hear and sees things…” Sam trails off he really hates having to talk about that.

Castiel sits down on his bed putting his sock monkey in his lap. “Oh okay, there are a few people in here like that. I’ll have to keep that mind if you start yelling again.” He hugs the plush doll in his lap close to his chest. “Is this your first time here? It’s my first time here. Usually, I go to the Paediatric ward at Green Valley, but I’m too old now.”

Well, that answers Sam’s question about how old Castiel is or at least gives him a better idea. Sam answers Castiel’s question, “Yeah It’s my first time here.” He pauses now is his chance to settle his curiosity about Castiel’s age, not it really matters he’d just like to know. “So Castiel if you aged out of going to the Paediatric hospital how old are you?”

Castiel sits up a bit better, “You can call me Cas, I’m 18, I turned 18 a few months ago. How old are you? I still don’t know your name.”

Realizing he never introduced himself gives an apologizing half smile, “My name is Sam, I’m 22.”  
“Nice to meet you then Sam,” Castiel says.

Things stay quiet for a few minutes before Sam thinks of something else to say. “Does your sock monkey have a name?” He asks the blue-eyed man across from him.

Castiel looks at him clearly he had been spacing out until Sam spoke again, “Yeah he does, his name is Misha.” Sam thinks that’s somehow a fitting name. Castiel speaks up again, “So Sam what do you like to do when you’re out and about in the real world?" he questions.

Sam shrugs, “I read a lot, I help Brother take care of our Dad, I help my Brother run our family's mechanics shop. Stuff like that. What do you like to do?”

Cas frowns clearly that kind of life sounds boring to him, “I like drawing, painting, I like being creative, It helps clear my mind especially when..” Cas doesn’t finish his sentence. Instead, he starts a new one. “I keep my home clean and I really like cooking as well.” He finishes. Before getting up and walking over to his desk, “I don’t feel like talking anymore, I’m going to draw now.”

Sam frowns he isn’t sure what made Cas decide against speaking. Clearly, there’s something he doesn’t want to talk about. The two sit in silence after that. Until Castiel pops his head after his desk to look at the small clock on the wall between their beds. “It’s almost lunchtime, Do you want to head down to cafeteria now?” Castiel sounds a lot happier than he did earlier. Sam is happy drawing seems to have cheered Castiel up. He can’t help but think how cute Cas is when he’s happy. He shakes that thought away, he has no idea what Cas into or if he’s taken or not.

“Sure let’s head down there.” Sam replies. When they exit their room they both turn their heads to a yelling man at the front nurse's desk.

A man standing there in a deep brown leather jacket demanding to see his brother. Sam questions out loud, “Dean?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://thefangirling-bread.tumblr.com/ I decided to link my Tumblr here. :)

That’s all it takes one word and Dean’s already ran up to his younger brother and hugged him. Much to the displeasure of the nurse at the front desk who was trying to tell Dean he needed to come back during visiting hours. 

Castiel wasn’t sure what to do but just stand by Sam and watch. He had never seen a family member of a patient force their way into the ward at Green Valley hospital like this. Was this normal in the adult wards? His internal question was answered pretty quickly has a crowd of confused nurses and patients gathered around the brothers. Before Dean really had time to say anything to Sam a nurse walked up to the brothers, “Sir you need to leave now. You can come back during visiting hours. Don’t make me call security”.

Dean turns the woman looking ready to snap at her before quickly calming himself clearly focused on staying calm for the sake of his brother’s mental health. “Okay I’ll go until I’m supposed to be here fine, It’s how it needs to be. Sam, before I leave, do you want anything from home?”

“My clothes, some of my books,” Sam responds. Then he looks back at his new friend and roommate and is reminded of something else. “Dean can you get me a teddy bear.” 

Dean looks confused by the last part of that request but nods accepting it. The two brothers give their goodbyes, and Dean leaves. The crowd slowly disperses now that there’s nothing left to see.

When Sam turns his attention back to Castiel, Castiel says “Visiting hours start after dinner today then, it doesn't happen again until Friday”. 

“Two times a week doesn’t seem that often.” Sam comments. 

Castiel shrugs, “I don’t really get visitors so I don’t have an opinion on it” Sam frowns, he feels bad for Cas.

The pair makes their way to the Cafeteria. Getting in line for lunch. When Castiel gets to the front of the line a sees his tray he doesn’t look happy. The chef behind the counter shakes his head and says in a Cajun accent, “Hot Wings we’ve been over this I can’t let you make any changes to your meals.”. 

Castiel looks up to meet eyes with the man, “Fine Benny if you can’t let me change it, then can you at least tell me how much butter you used in this?” Castiel gestures to the mound of instant mash potatoes on his tray. Another headshake from Benny from behind the counter. Castiel sighs before going sit down at a table. When it’s Sam’s turn he looks at his tray. The food doesn’t look the best. Sam’s thinks Dean would love it, but not him. 

The man Sam now knows as Benny sighs and asks, “What are you to going to say my foods’ too fatty too?” 

Sam looks at the man wide-eyed, “What? No. Never.” Sam says in a panic before joining Castiel at his table. Castiel still looks really unhappy about this food when Sam sits down. “It can’t be that bad,” Sam says trying to reassure him. 

A headshake shows Sam he hasn’t done the job. “It’s not the taste I’m worried it’s the calories”. Castiel runs his hands through his raven hair. Looking like he’s trying to brace himself for the daring act. Before tearing a piece of bread from the roll on his tray places that into his mouth.

“That’s why you’re in here? Because you don’t eat.” Sam asks hoping he’s not overstepping. Castiel already knows why he’s here so why shouldn’t he know why Castiel is here.

Castiel shakes his head, “No I’m here because I tried to kill myself”. His blue eyes start to spill over with tears. 

Clearly, Sam’s opened a wound. His mouth hangs up open unsure how to fix this. Sam’s hallucination takes this moment of weakness to show up. When Sam turns he sees Lucifer (or his minds interpretation of Lucifer rather) sitting next to him. “Aw look Sammy you made your boyfriend all sad”, the illusion taunts. 

Just when Sam is ready to snap back at the devil sitting next to him, his thought process is interrupted by another patient coming over to the table and sitting next to Castiel. Castiel wipes his eyes on his sweater ready to move on. The ebony haired man turns to look at the short man sitting next to him, “Oh hi Chuck. Wait are you, Chuck, today?”. Sam is confused. Castiel clearly knows this guy why wouldn’t he know his name?

The disheveled man who is or is not Chuck adjusts the bathrobe he has over his T-shirt and sweatpants before answering Castiel calmly saying, “It’s Carver. I’m Carver.” 

Castiel gives a small smile, “Oh hi Carver. How’s everything going today?”

Chuck or Carver sighs, “Everything is great today. Are you planning on finishing your lunch?” He points the Castiel’s still full tray.

“You know I’d share if I could Carver but Ellen’s already threatened to put my feeding tube back in. I can’t get caught sharing. I hate that stupid tube.” Castiel shivers at the thought of the feeding tube.

Carver points to the food on Sam’s tray, “Can you share anything?”. Sam picks up his bread roll and passes it over hoping this makes the man leave. Without even a thank you, Carver, shoves the roll in his mouth and leaves the table.  
“That was Chuck, he has dissociative identity disorder, he’s here because his sister Naomi got tired of looking out for him. Carver is one of his alters. His other alter his named God. He’s pretty nice.” Castiel says answering what he must know Sam is wondering. Castiel’s unsureness about the name makes sense now.

Sam digs into the food on his tray, “Who’s Ellen then?” he asks.

Castiel stops trying to eat his pasta long enough to reply, “My psychiatrist. I don’t really like her. She makes me talk about things I don’t want to. I guess that’s her job through.” 

“Who’s my psychiatrist?” Sam questions. Castiel shrugs. 

The roommates finish their lunches with very little talking after that. Castiel takes much longer than Sam to finish, but Sam sits with him anyways. He doesn’t mind. After lunch, Sam is pulled away by Charlie for a group therapy. The group included Chuck and a few new faces. Bela a woman stuck in the ward for having intrusive thoughts and extreme obsessive behavior, she wants to stop stealing but she can’t, or thinks she can’t. Crowley an alcoholic with schizophrenia. Kevin a perfectionist who became depressed and deals suicidal thoughts caused by fear of never being good enough. The group goes well for Sam mostly because he doesn’t speak very much. When Sam gets out of the group he’s first thought is to look for Castiel. 

He finds his roommate in the art room, Working on a large painting. He seems proud when Sam walks up next to him. “Oh Sam you’re finally out of the group, how was your first group therapy?”

“It was okay but I didn’t really talk at all,” Sam says much more interested in Castiel’s painting then talking about his time in therapy. “What are you working on?” he asks.

Castiel turns back to Sam, “My happy place, it’s the beach” he states. “I still need have a lot more work to do on the painting.” 

Sam finds a stool and just sits down watching Castiel work. Sam thinks he’s starting to understand this ASMR video trend. Watching Castiel paint is really soothing. 

This soothing moment stops when a woman with short brown hair and lanyard similar to Charlie’s but plain blue walks into the room a taps Castiel on the shoulder. Castiel turns back to look at her, “Oh Hi Jody.” Castiel says. “Have you met Sam?” he asks pointing at Sam with his paintbrush. 

The new woman called Jody smiles and Waves to Sam, “Nice meeting you Sam. You’re Cas’ new roommate right?”. Sam nods. Jody taps Cas’ shoulder again, “Come on kiddo Ellen’s ready to see you for your afternoon appointment.” 

Castiel closes his paint waves bye to Sam before being ushered off. It doesn’t take but few seconds for Charlie to show up bring Sam to meet his psychiatrist. Dr. Robert Singer, a gruff man in a wheelchair. 

Inside the office, Sam sits down and the questions start. “So Sam according to your file you’ve been dealing with audio and visual hallucinations off and on since you were 14 years old is that correct?”

“Yes, Dr. Singer that’s right. It started with just small things but then it got worse.” Sam responds.

“You can call me Bobby. How were things at home for you growing up?” The doctor asks. 

Sam stutters thinking about his Father and home life. “My Dad didn’t take my mom’s death very well, she died in a house fire when I was a baby. He never really got over that. My big brother Dean remembers my Dad when he used to be at least somewhat kind. I don’t. He’s-” Sam chokes up. “He’s always been a monster to me. Then I started seeing Lucifer then I really understood what a monster is”. Sam sees Bobby writing down notes. 

“Okay, you don’t need to talk about your father anymore. You were on the medication Geodon did that help you with the hallucinations?” Doctor Bobby asks.

“Yeah it did somewhat, do you think you’ll start me up on that again?” Sam asks hopefully. The Doctor just nods.

“You can go now Sam. make sure you line up for your pills before dinner.” Doctor waves towards the door letting Sam go. 

“Thank you, Bobby,” Sam says before leaving. 

Castiel is still in with Ellen when he gets out so Sam just sits and watches with Bela and Kevin. They're watching the price is right. Kevin keeps guessing the prices before Bela can guess. After a while of sitting there, Castiel emerges from an office down the hall. He curls up next to Sam on the couch resting his head on Sam’s chest. Sam is a bit backed by the closeness but welcomes it. “How was your appointment?” Sam asks. Castiel just buries himself in Sam's side more. Sam wraps his arm around Castiel accepting that, Cas probably just needs cuddles. 

The two stay that way for a long. Eventually, each of them is pulled for more various kinds of therapy so they need to untangle. At one point in the afternoon, Castiel comes back from art therapy with a small watercolor painting in his hands passing it to Sam. “it’s for you.” he says. Sam thanks him it’s beautiful mountain landscape. Sam needs to think of something to give Cas back, he feels like he should after this. The painting ends up leaning against the wall on Sam’s desk. Next to his photo of himself and Dean that he finally got some tape for. 

The rest of the afternoon goes well. Soon the med-line and dinner come and goes and it’s time for Sam to see his big brother. Dean shows up 15 minutes late, sighting their father being drunk as his reason for his being tardy. Sam goes through the pile of things Dean brought for him. At least week’s worth of clothes, a copy of the hobbit and few of Sam’s favorite poetry books. At the bottom of the pile here’s a small dark brown teddy bear. Sam picks it up and hugs it to his chest, the same way Castiel had hugged his sock monkey. A wave of comfort washes over him, he really understands why Castiel has a stuffed animal now. The rest of the visit is okay and Dean promises to be on time when he comes on Friday. Once he places his things in the wardrobe and his new friend against his pillow Castiel shows up in the room. 

Castiel eyes go wide when he sees Sam's new fuzzy friend, “Oh did your brother bring that?” Sam nods. “Did you name him yet?”

Sam thinks for a second he hadn’t of the name at all. Sam says the first name that comes to him, “Mr. Bear.” He says. 

Castiel picks up Misha the sock monkey setting it next to Sam’s bear on the bed. Wrapping the monkey’s arm around the bear. “Misha and Mr.Bear are best friends just like us Sam.” Castiel states before looking at Sam really proud.

“Do you ever think they could be more than best friends?” Sam questions. Castiel looks confused before he has a chance to say anything Sam leans and kisses him on the mouth. Castiel is too shocked to respond. When Sam pulls away Castiel covers his blushing face with his sleeve before removing it and deciding to kiss Sam back. 

The romantic moment doesn’t last long, a nurse calls down the hall that it’s time for showers. They both get their things together and head for the showers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos and comments are always welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter half from Castiel's POV. A half from Sam's. Please heed the warnings in the tags for this one.

“Stop fighting me Cas!” large strong hands pin him down. Cas cries out screaming, begging it to stop. It doesn’t stop it won’t stop, it hurts so bad. The fear. The pain of being ripped open again.

Cas snaps out of his nightmare. That’s all it was just another bad dream. He tries to steady his breathing. The arms holding him aren’t holding down or hurting him. Where is he? Why is the person next to him telling him to calm down? That’s when Castiel realizes he’s still sobbing. He tries to calm his sobs, still confused. Where is he? His blue eyes look up. Sam, it’s Sam. Sam is holding him. The large Man next to him leans down kissing the top of his head. “You’re safe Cas it’s okay. You’re okay now.” Castiel relaxes a bit he tries and fails to get back to sleep after that. Even when Sam thinks he’s fallen back asleep and climbs back into his own bed, Castiel still doesn’t sleep. When Castiel is sure Sam is asleep he gets up wandering over to the wastebasket next to his desk. Fingers plunge down his throat. He needs to be empty to feel clean again. he climbs back into bed finally having a dreamless sleep.

When Castiel wakes up the next morning. Sam is already awake doing pushups on the floor, his bad arm tucked behind his back. Castiel tilts his head at him. “I’ve never been able to do a full push up.” He says before crawling out bed. Making the bed slightly on his way out. 

Sam stops doing his push-ups when he hears Cas. Choosing to sit on the floor instead. “Being active help keep Lucifer quiet” he states looking sheepish.

Castiel shrugs, “Fair enough. It’s not even supposed to pace let alone do push-ups. Burns calories. I’m not supposed to do that.”

Sam frowns slightly before asking, “Cas are you okay? You were crying a lot in your sleep last night?” 

“I was just having a bad dream everyone has those,” Castiel says. He doesn’t want to think about being violated by the only person he’s felt he could trust before meeting Sam. Love like a stomach full of razor blades. He sits on his cuddling Misha is lap, his only real childhood friend. The sock monkey that’s always been there for him. 

Sam climbs up onto his own bed taking Mr. Bear into his lap. “I can’t wait to see Dean on Friday. This bear smells like his car. I really miss Dean and the Impala,” Sam says. Understanding that Cas doesn’t want to talk about his dream. 

“Where did your brother get the money for a nice car like that?” Castiel questions.

“My dad gave it to him. My dad can’t drive anymore he’s had too many DUI’s. So he let Dean have baby.” Sam answers.

Castiel shakes his head, “Naming a car baby has to be the straightest thing I’ve ever heard of.” he says. The two actually share a full laugh. 

Castiel draws until breakfast starts. Castiel frowns the stack of pancakes on his tray in the line. Full of butter or worse (and more likely) lard. Slabs of butter and maple-flavored syrup over the top. Castiel decides to try his luck. He puts on the best fake smile and sweet tone of voice he can muster, “Benny I’m allergic to maple can I please have oatmeal instead?” 

The man behind the counter shakes his head, “Hot wings I ain’t stupid. There are no food allergies listed in your file or I would have been notified.” 

Castiel frowns pointing the young man in front of him in line, “Aaron gets turkey bacon. Why can’t I get oatmeal?” He says frustrated. 

Aaron turns back to look at Castiel, “Because Castiel being Jewish isn’t an eating disorder.” Before leaving the line. 

Benny points his tongs in the direction of the leaving young man, “What he said” he reaffirms. 

Castiel and Sam sit down at a table to eat. Sam is fine with everything, he agrees with Cas the cafeteria food isn’t best still encourages Cas to eat it. Neither of them has talked about their kiss or what it means for them since it happened. Cas is to shy to talk about it. He isn’t sure why Sam hasn’t but assumes he has his reasons. Castiel manages to keep everything down from his meal. 

After breakfast, the roommates spend their time in one of the lounges. Castiel actually got control of the remote for the tv. Only to give control of it over to Sam who picks watching animal planet. The show Too Cute is on. Castiel loves all of the cute kittens. Soon the pair is approached by Chuck who kneels down by the side of the couch where Castiel is. “Cas I had another vision,” he says sounding manic and whispering. 

Castiel looks over at Chuck he really doesn’t have time for this he wants to watch the cute kittens on the tv. “Chuck I can’t draw your visions right now. I’m watching tv. Write them down and I’ll draw it later.” 

The man in the bathrobe gets more insistent grabbing Castiel’s arm. “You need to draw them now before the angels steal them.” 

Castiel frantically begins trying to pull his arm away. He’s not okay and he knows it. He starts to panic. “Let me go.” He says sternly and loud enough that a nurse nearby is alerted and comes over to remove Chuck from his arm. Castiel buries his face into Sam side. Upset by the experience. He hates feeling trapped like not. He knows Chuck would never hurt him. He hates being grabbed like that. Sam hugs him from the side.

“Are you going to be okay?” Sam questions.  
Castiel nods. “I don’t like being touched like that or not being understood. Never do that me please.” Sam assures Castiel that he will never do that to him. 

By the time Castiel collects himself, it’s time this first group of the day. Yoga and Meditation. This has been his second favorite group of the day, second only to art therapy. It’s calming and it’s only time of the day he gets away with exercising. He gets along with everyone in his Meditation group, except for Bela. She’s a show-off and flirts with everyone including him. He deals with it though. 

Everything else for Castiel's morning goes well. Lunch is terrible, the only highlight of his lunch is Sam. That’s becoming Castiel norm. Sam is the highlight of his whole day. 

After lunch, Castiel finally remembers the now incredibly disgusting bag of sick in his trash-can. Unsure what to do with the bag he sticks it into his side wardrobe hoping no one finds it. Just as he finishes shoving the bag away Sam walks into the room. Handing Castiel a small crudely drawn sketch of a tree. “I wanted to make you something to return the painting you made me. I know it’s not very good.”

Castiel hugs the drawing to his chest, “I love it Sam thank you.” Castiel is being honest. He thinks to himself, no one is giving me anything since Mom died, or rather chose to be seen as dead. The two end up cuddling on Sam’s bed. Closeness and comfort no kissing. They jump out of bed quickly when Jody comes in to get Cas. She raises her eyebrow but says nothing about them clearly being in the bed together. 

“Ellen is ready to see you now Cas,” Jody says before turning to leave. Castiel sighs hugging Sam once before leaving. 

Castiel sits across from Ellen. “I had another nightmare again,” He says to her before even a hello. 

The woman writes down of her notepad. “Okay, Cas what was it about?”

“I was being raped,” Castiel says bluntly his eyes on the floor. He doesn’t want to speak about it in any more detail and hopes Ellen won’t make him.

Ellen writes again, “You still won’t tell me anything about the man that hurt you Cas. I can’t make a report if you won’t tell me. Why are you still protecting him?”

Castiel starts shaking holding back tears. “I don’t know why I just have to,” he replies.

His psychiatrist sighs, “Okay Cas it’s okay I won’t force you to tell me okay? Let’s get your weigh in and then you can go okay?” she tries to comfort him. Stroking his shoulder as she says this. Castiel nods. Accepting this answer. 

When Castiel gets to leave the room he finds Sam in a lounge. Talking about star wars with Kevin and Charlie. Castiel tells Sam he wants to go to the art room. He needs to paint, clear his mind. 

Sam, of course, follows him to the art room. Sam sits on his stool watching Castiel paint. After a while of being there. Ellen and Jody show up in the doorway. Jody has Castiel’s sick bag in her hand. Castiel feels all of the blood leave his face. 

Castiel knows he’s in deep shit.

=========================================  
Castiel had been stuck into QR for engaging in eating disordered behavior and hiding it. At first, Sam was angry Castiel had chosen to act this way. The more the thought of it the less angry he got. He started to just feel sad for Castiel. Clearly, he was driven to act this way by something. Now he feels like they were both being punished. Castiel was away from him and he was away from Castiel with no clue when he’d see him again. Sam slept in bed with both of their stuffed animals and one of Cas’ sweaters. He considered wearing the sweater to bed but decided against it for fear of ripping it. Castiel was so tiny and frail. He felt like a pile bones wrapped in skin whenever Sam held him. 

Sam and Castiel were apart for 3 nights. On the fourth day, Castiel was deemed healthy enough to be let out of QR. Sam waiting for him in the doorway of their room holding Cas’ sock monkey. Castiel hugs Sam as hard as he can when they finally see each other again. Sam does have the heart to mention anything about the reason Castiel was taken from him. They just cuddle in Sam’s bed. 

Today is finally Friday, that means Sam gets to see Dean again. He spends his whole day longing for that visit. 

At 6:15 the evening Castiel and Sam sit down at the table waiting for Dean to show up. Castiel had decided to keep Sam company while he waits for Dean. A man walks up behind Castiel places his hand on his shoulder. It’s not a soft or gentle grip but a harsh one. Castiel’s face falls before he turns his head to meet eyes with the man behind him.

“Hello there Castiel.” The man greets. Something about the tone of the greeting makes Sam already hate this man. “I finally got time off work to see you” the man continues. Carding his hand through Castiel’s hair as he speaks. The man turns his attention to Sam. “Who’s your friend? Aren’t you going to introduce me?” He asks. 

Turning back to face Sam. His eyes never meeting Sam’s. “This is Sam, my roommate here.” Castiel gestures behind him. “Sam this is Alastair” Castiel swallows bracing himself for his next statement. “Alastair is my boyfriend” Castiel finishes.

Sam’s heart sinks, he feels like his whole world is crashing down around him. 

“Come on Castiel, I’ve been wanting to see you,” Alastair says before leading Castiel away from the table not giving Castiel any time to explain himself. 

“Look at that your angel is a whore,” Lucifer says laughing at next to Sam. 

Sam turns away from the figment standing next to him. “Shut up,” Sam says.

“What’s the matter Sammy can’t handle the truth that you got led on by a little anorexic slut. Lucifer spits back.  
“I said shut the hell up!” Sam yells. Just in time for Dean to walk up confused as hell. Dean bangs on the table in front of Sam trying to knock Sam out of his episode.

“Snap the hell out of it Sammy,” Dean demands through gritted teeth. By now a crowd of nurses, patients and visitors have started from around the table. Dean tries the deflect the crowd. “Everything thing is fine we’re fine,” Dean says trying to wave off the crowd.

Sam tries to calm himself. He wants to visit with Dean he needs to calm himself to do that. Sam calms himself enough to tell the crowd that’s he’s fine. Dean finally sits cross form his brother. “Are you really good now?” Dean asks. Sam nods.

“Lucifer called Cas a slut,” Sam says, addressing Lucifer as a person and not a figment. 

Dean frowns, “Well that’s not very nice, why’d he do that?” he questions used to treating Lucifer like Sam’s cruel imaginary friend over the years.

“Because Castiel kissed me but it turns out he has a boyfriend,” Sam says truly hating that he has said that out loud. 

“Well that sounds like something a sl-” Dean beginnings to say but Sam cuts him off.

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Sam says. 

Dean shakes his head giving up. “Okay fine. I don’t know what to say this Sam.” Dean says. 

=====POV switch to Castiel====

Alastair found a table in a small corner of the visitor room he sat down. Having Castiel sit across from him. Being sure everyone is completely out of earshot of their conversation. 

“Look how fat You’ve gotten,” Alastair says dryly. With a disgusted look on his face.

Castiel can’t bring himself to meet eyes with the man. “There’s nothing I can do about that. If I don’t eat they force a feeding tube in me. There’s nothing I can do” Castiel replies.

Alastair sighs leaning forward to lift Cas’ face forcing his eyes to meet him. “Well, we’ll just have to put you back on your diet when you get out of here.” He says with a smug smile.

“Yes sir, I agree,” Castiel says. 

“You wouldn’t want to make me regret calling the ambulance after you decided to slit your wrists would you?” Alastair asks.

“No, sir.” Castiel replies almost robotic. This is the first time since he laid in his hospital bed, Castiel regrets that he didn’t cut deeper. 

“Keep in mind Castiel who took you in off the streets when your parents kicked you because they couldn’t handle that you were gay. Who took you in. Saved you from a life on the streets Castiel?” Alastair questions. 

“You, Sir. You took me in. You saved me.” Castiel responds. 

“That’s right. I did.” Alastair accepts Castiel’s answer with a smile. “If only you were this agreeable at home. I wouldn’t have to hurt you so often.” Alastair states.

Castiel nods. He wants to shout back, that none of this is right but he doesn’t he stays quiet. Alastair leans kissing Castiel. Castiel wants to push away but he doesn’t he kisses back. When Alastair pulls away he whispers into Cas’ ear, “I miss you keeping my bed warm” Before leaning back in his seat again. 

=======Back to Sam’s POV======

After visiting with Dean, Sam is completely unsure what to. He wants to talk to Castiel and get answers from him. He feels so hurt doesn’t even think he can look at Castiel. He goes back to their room. He looks at Cas’ bed and feels disgusted. He’s tempted to ask for Castiel to be moved to another room. Just then Castiel walks into the room.

“Why’d you lead me on like that Cas?” Sam asks resisting the urge to shout. Scared of alerting the nurses. 

“It’s not what you think Sam let me explain please.” Castiel pleads. 

“Explain what Cas? You’ve been cuddling up to me every day since I got here. You kissed me Cas and never once did you ever think to mention that you have a boyfriend. How did you think you’d get away with this?” Sam argues back. 

Castiel stumbles away from Sam fearing his anger. “Someone can’t be your boyfriend when they’ve been raping you since you were 14 years old Sam,” Castiel says tears streaming down his face.

Sam stops in his tracks having no idea what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I should add that QR stands for Quiet Room They are the modern version of padded cells.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another one. Here you go, guys. I made a playlist for songs that help inspire me while I write this. More will be added to the playlist as I deal with more themes. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLxyXg7k6Hsaesg6dnV7t1e92_lNEwGz5U

After Castiel confides in Sam about his sexual abuse the two find themselves cuddled in Sam’s bed. Castiel wiping the tears from his face. Sam lets him hold both the plush animals, he thinks the frail blue-eyed boy could use the double comfort. The two soon fall asleep in each other's arms. 

The next morning Castiel is the first up. He decides to draw, he needs to get his mind off last night. He wants to choose healthy release only because he doesn’t want to be taking away from Sam again. He hates not being able to be near Sam. Castiel ends up drawing Sam, asleep cuddling Misha and Mr.Bear on his bed. 

By the time he’s finished, Sam is awake. The tall man walks over the desk kissing the top of Cas’ head. When he leans down he sees the finished drawing of himself. As well as a half-finished drawing of bunnies chewing grass in a field. Sam points the drawing of himself and smiles. Castiel feels the smile on the top of his head and blushes. “You looked so handsome I couldn’t help but draw you” Castiel admits. 

Sam’s smiles even wider, “Thanks Cas I love it”. 

Castiel goes back to working on his bunny rabbits. “I wish I had colored pencils”. Blue eyes fall and frown forms. “I could ask Aleister for mine but I really don’t want to.” 

Sam’s smile faded he stands up straight. He didn’t even think Castiel would consider that. Then again if all of Castiel’s belonging were under the control of Aleister he didn’t really have a choice. “I’m guessing he’s the one that dropped off the stuff you have right now?” 

Castiel nods, “Well he dropped off my clothes when the ER made plans to transfer me here.” Castiel drops lower his head that really want to continue. “He...He made me work for the rest of it.” Castiel looks ready to start crying again. 

“It’s okay Cas. If you can wait for colored pencils I can ask Dean next time he comes”. Sam suggests. Completely disgusted by the other option. He doesn’t know what Castiel earning his pencils would entail but he has an idea and based on Cas’ reaction. 

Castiel looks back at Sam looking quite happy, “Do you really think he’d do that he doesn’t even know me.” Castiel very unaccustomed to acts of kindness at all let alone from a stranger.

“Yes, I think he would. I can ask him Monday.” Sam says.

“You can ask him over the phone. We're allowed to take calls to family once a day. Or friends can call once a day if they have your patient ID from Dean.” Cas says.

“Why didn’t you tell me that I could call Dean sooner?” Sam asks.

Castiel shrugs, “You didn’t ask me.” Sam shrugs fair enough he didn’t ask with that, the two go to have breakfast. 

It’s another strained meal. Sam really does wonder if Cas will ever be able to get through a meal without looking like he wants to throw all of it up. After breakfast Sam goes to Charlie he wants to talk to Dean on the phone. 

Sam leans in her doorway. The redhead sits at a desk littered with fangirl related things. Sam lets out a soft fake cough to get her attention. 

The woman turns to remove her headphones. “Hi, Sam. What are you needing today?” she asks. 

“I found out that we’re allowed to make phone calls and I want to call my brother,” Sam says hoping he isn’t turned down for some reason. 

“Sure.” Charlie passes him the landline phone off her desk. “Press 9 before dialing the number to dial out. I’ll come to get the phone in 30 minutes. I know that’s not super long but we can’t let patients sit on the phone all day.” She says calmly before turning back to her work. 

Sam finds an empty lounge, most patients are in morning groups or with the doctors so it’s not very hard. He dials 9 then Dean’s cell number. 

Dean answers sounding confused and worried. Getting a call out of nowhere from the institution housing your brother is unsettling so it's understandable. “Hey what’s wrong with Sammy do I need to take off work?” The older brother asks panicked.

“No Dean I’m fine. My counselor let me call you.” Sam replies. 

“Oh hi, Sammy! What’s up?” Dean greets sounding a lot calmer. 

“It turns out Cas wasn’t leading me on. That guy that Cas called his boyfriend is really his rapist. Who he’s been living with for years now. I don’t know what to do Dean.” Sam explains.

There’s a long pause on the other line before dean responds. “Did Cas tell you this or did Lucifer tell you this?” Dean asks sounding unsure.

“Cas told me this. Lucifer still thinks Cas is lying about all of this but I don’t think he is.” Sam replies. 

Dean pauses again. “I think you should tell someone that works at the hospital then” Dean finally suggests. 

“Cas won’t let me,” Sam replies.  
Dean pauses clearly concerned and stunned by hearing all of this. “Sammy I don’t know what say to all of this. So you and Cas are on good terms again?” 

Sam sighs, “Yeah we’re fine again. Cas drew me this morning. I hope He’ll let me show you some of his drawings when you come to visit me on Monday.” 

Dean takes less time to answer this time. “Wow, you found yourself a talented little boyfriend didn’t you,” Dean says gently teasing his little brother. 

Sam blushes slightly shy at the idea of his big brother calling Cas his boyfriend, he isn’t sure how to feel about it. He and Cas have never said it out loud before. “Yes, I guess I do. Hey, Dean, do you could pick some colored pencils? Cas doesn’t have any right now.” Sam questions.

There’s sort pause again. “I can try my best to get some no promises. You know how dad is with money.” Dean says.

Sam accepts that answer. “Thank you,” he says.

“Okay, I need to back to work now. Make sure you call me again tomorrow. That way I can make sure you’re still doing alright.” Dean says. 

The brothers say their goodbyes and Sam returns the phone to Charlie before heading off to therapy group therapy.

Later he finds Cas working on his painting. “I asked Dean to get your pencils. He said he’s going to try but he isn’t sure if he’ll able to because our dad spends too much money on whiskey.” Sam says and a bit bluntly.

“I want to draw Dean something as a thank you if he brings me the pencils.” Castiel states. Running small blush in the shape of large fluffy clouds. 

“I think he’d like that,” Sam says sitting on his stool as he does so. 

The pair enjoys their time in each others company. The rest of the day goes well. Then it was time for showers.

Castiel, Sam, and every other male identifying patient. Make their way into the shower room rows single person stalls line the walls. Three male nurses sat on in chairs against the back wall to ensure nothing happens. Castiel holds his pajamas to his chest. A pair of pajama pants with clouds on them, a large long sleeve shirt and fuzzy slippers. As well as his honey bee themed towel. Sam has a blue plaid pajama set, plain green slippers, and a deep blue towel much like Castiel's eyes. 

Sam finishes his shower first. That’s when he looks over to the stall Cas was in he notices the door wasn’t closed properly. Through the crack between the door and the wall, he can see Castiel. Castiel has his eyes closed and his head back, washing his hair. Sam is in shock, all he can do is stare. He can count all of Cas' ribs, his hip bones stick out at an angle sharp unrounded, his thighs far apart no matter how he moves his legs. His the front of his arms and thighs are covered in scars some bigger some thin and small. Oddly shaped burn scars cover his body as well. Sam has a hard time telling which of these would be self-made and which wouldn’t or couldn’t be. One of the nurses must have noticed Sam starring because he walks over and closes Cas stall properly then ushers Sam from the shower room. 

When Cas shows up in the Room, Sam is sitting on his bed reading when Cas walks in. Sam looks up at him. He isn’t sure if he should tell Cas what he saw. He doesn’t want Castiel to get upset but he always doesn’t want to hide what he saw from Cas. When Cas walks over to take him laying in Sam’s lap, Sam stops him putting down his book. “I saw you in the shower. I wasn’t trying to peep the door wasn’t shut or locked completely.” Sam states. 

Castiel covering his mouth with his sleeve. Looking panicked before he starts to cry. He looks completely destroyed by the fact Sam’s seen him naked.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean POV of the day of chapter 4

Dean Winchester begins his morning at 5 am. He enjoys whatever time he can before his Dad wakes up. A hungover John Winchester is not a fun person to be around. After John’s first couple of drinks becomes easier to be around. The two eldest Winchesters are stuck working together. Usually, Dean would have his bookkeeper little brother to spend time with. Right now Sammy’s office at the back of Mechanics shop is empty and the lights are off. This baby brother is too sick to come to work. 

John notices his son eyeing the office. “That little shit is faking it you know that,” John says.

Dean shakes his head he’s done trying to argue with his father about Sam’s illness. Dean’s always been to only one to actually believe his brother outside of the doctors. It doesn’t matter what Lucifer tells Sam their Dad still doesn’t believe. At some point in the morning, Dean gets a phone call. His heart stops when he sees the caller ID. 

The hospital housing Sam has called him. He answers in a panic assuming something terrible has happened. “Hey what’s wrong with Sammy do I need to take off work?” he asks. When he hears his Brother’s voice he stops panicking. 

“No Dean I’m fine. My counselor let me call you.” Sam replies. Dean thinks he sounds calm or tired he isn’t sure. At least he’s up and calling. That’s good. It makes Dean happy to hear his voice. 

“Oh hi, Sammy! What’s up?” Dean tries to sound a lot happier then he is. John let’s off pissed off growl, disapproving of Dean talking to Sam over the phone instead of working. Dean leaves and goes to the back of the Winchester Mechanics shop to finish speaking to Sam away from his father’s disapproval.

“It turns out Cas wasn’t leading me on. That guy that Cas called his boyfriend is really his rapist. Who he’s been living with for years now. I don’t know what to do Dean.” Sam states in a calm but pleading manner. 

Dean pauses this all seems really far-fetched. He knows his little brother has a hard time understanding what’s real and what’s not. He wants to ask Sam if he’s been taking his meds but is sure Sam wouldn’t react well to that. “Did Cas tell you this or did Lucifer tell you this?” Dean decides is a less rude way of implying what he wants to ask. 

“Cas told me this. Lucifer still thinks Cas is lying about all of this but I don’t think he is.” Sam says.

Dean isn’t sure how to take that. He wants to agree with his brother’s hallucinations but he knows that will only fuel his brother’s broken mind so he doesn’t. He doesn’t know this Cas kid but this all seems more like a lie to cover up cheating. Why the hell would someone call their rapist their boyfriend. 

“I think you should tell someone that works at the hospital then” Dean suggests. He’s not sure what to do about this. He can’t go to the police he doesn’t have enough info and even if he did, he doesn’t want to waste their time if this all just turns out to be nonsense made up by two mentally ill people. 

“Cas won’t let me,” Sam says over the phone.  
That’s another red flag to Dean he doesn’t understand why Castiel is protecting this guy. He has no clue how to react to that. Maybe if he sat down a spoke with Cas he’d understand better. 

He wants to sit down and talk with him next time he visits the hospital. “Sammy I don’t know what say to all of this. So you and Cas are on good terms again?” Dean decides the subject change would be best now. He has no idea how long he has until his Dad comes outside pissed by how long he’s been on the phone. 

Dean hears his brother sigh over the phone. “Yeah, we’re fine again. Cas drew me this morning. I hope He’ll let me show you some of his drawings when you come to visit me on Monday.” The young Winchester says. Dean is happy at least that’s something. Sam needs someone like Cas, regardless if Cas is lying about what’s happening in this awkward love triangle. Sam still needs someone to be there for him when Dean himself can’t be.

“Wow, you found yourself a talented little boyfriend didn’t you,” Dean says hoping his brother won’t be upset by that. He already knows Sam has a feeling for Cas so he shouldn’t get upset. 

“Yes, I guess I do. Hey, Dean, do you think you could pick some colored pencils? Cas doesn’t have any right now.” Sam asks. Rushing past the idea of him and Cas being a couple. 

Dean Doesn’t bring up the quick change in the subject because he’s been guilty of it too. He has no idea if he’s going be able to colored pencils for Sammy’s little boyfriend. “I can try my best to get some no promises. You know how dad is with money.” Dean decides being honest is the best he can do. He doesn’t want Sam and Cas to get their hopes up.  
Once Dean is off the phone with Sam he heads back inside.

John looks up from the car he’s working on. “What did he want?” he asks coldly. 

Dean stops he isn’t sure what he should tell his dad and what he shouldn’t. “Nothing much I just having some problems with his friend. He wanted my advice.” It’s not false but not the whole truth. Dean decides he doesn’t want to deal with his Dad’s homophobia toward Sam. Or for his dad to say anything bad about Castiel, who neither of them have met. John just scoffs before going back to work.When it’s time for the two the to close up shop for the evening. Dean drives home. Knowing his Dad is too drunk to drive himself home. No wonder they can barely keep the doors open. Dean leaves his dad on the couch.  
Then Dean drives the nearest craft store to look for colored pencils. He finds a pack of a 100 Crayola pencils for $10 and a pack of artist Prismacolors for $16. The Crayola go into his basket. The Prismacolors go into his coat pocket. He adds 5 $1 coloring books to his basket (Sam needs something to color as well. He’s heard coloring helps the people like Sam). Dean checks out without anyone stopping him taking pocketed colors with him. 

The coloring gear finds their place under Dean’s bed for now. Until he can bring them to his brother on Monday.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Sam and Cas. A bit short sorry but I didn't want to leave our two mains hanging because of where I left off. Promise the next chapter will be longer.

Sam pulls the crying Castiel into his lap. “Please don’t be upset that I saw you. I didn’t mean to. Really I didn’t.” Sam is pleading at this point. He hates seeing Cas is sad.  


“How can you even look at me after seeing my disgusting body?” Cas asks sounding completely puzzled.  


“What? I don’t think your body’s disgusting. Cas you’re sick it’s not your fault.” Sam replies with trying to calm Cas down.  


After a few moments the sniffling stops. “You’re still interested in being my boyfriend when through you know what you’re getting yourself involved with?” The small blue-eyed ball in Sam’s lap finally asks.  


Sam nods. “Of course,” Sam says planting a kiss on Cas’ lips. It’s their second kiss but Sam enjoys it as much as the first. He hopes Cas thinks that way too. Sam isn’t sure what he could say other than that. Castiel has been there for him since he arrived and he can’t imagine not feeling the way he does about him anymore.  


Sam lays back on his bed, Castiel still cradled in his arms. They lay there for a while before they both fall asleep. Cas’ bed staying made and empty has become a habit the two. The comfort of each other became too much of a calling for them to want to sleep apart.  


The next morning when Sam wakes up he notices something. He has morning wood. He’s starting to question if sleeping pressed against Cas is the best idea. He isn’t sure what to do there’s no lube or lotion in their room for him to be able to take of himself before Castiel wakes up. Sam eventually decides adjusting his lying position until everything calms itself down would be the best action.  


Sam gets lucky and his plan works. He’s in the clear of an awkward hard on when Cas wakes up. Sam’s happy for that he has no idea how Cas would have reacted. Of course, that amuses Lucifer. “You’ll probably never be able to fuck him, Sam. That is unless I’m right and the Anorexic bitch is lying just so he can sleep around. It seems like you lose there way.” Sam goes his best to ignore what Lucifer says.  
After breakfast, Sam makes his phone call to his brother for the day. “Hey Dean you said to call you again today.” Sam scratches at his wrist cast as he speaks.  


“Hey, Sammy. I got the pencils.” Dean greets.  
The younger of the brothers smile into the phone. “That’s Great Dean,” Sam says happily. “Hey, could you maybe pick up one more thing please?” Sam tries his best to convey his puppy eyes through the phone using his voice.  


There’s a short pause before Dean answers. “What are you wanting?” The elder Winchester finally asks.  


“Lube,” Sam states softly and quickly, making his request barely audible.  


There’s a longer pause this time. “I don’t even know if you’re allowed to have that. Is this something you should really be thinking about right now?” Dean questions sounding unsure. “I don’t know if I should even condone you and Cas doing anything right now. Considering where you are.”  


“No Dean it’s not for that. Cas and I cuddle in bed at night. I woke up with a boner.” Sam says embarrassed.  


“Oh.” Dean is quiet for a while. “Okay, I’ll try my best.” Dean offers. “How are things for you other than that? Are your pills helping you? How’s your wrist? You always want to talk about Cas more than yourself. I get that you're in love Sammy but I need to make sure you’re okay.” Dean states.  


Sam is shocked by Dean saying he’s in love with Cas, even if it’s he’s kidding he has no idea how to react. Sam just decides to focus on his brother’s questions. “My pills are helping. I can ignore Lucifer easier again. My wrist is itchy but it feels okay. I’m on painkillers for my wrist so that’s helping with the pain.”  


“Good that’s good. I still feel bad that I couldn't stop Dad from helping himself to your pills Sammy.” Dean replies.  


“It’s okay Dean it wasn’t your fault,” Sam says.  


“That’s not true, it’s my job to look out for you and I didn’t and know you’re locked away,” Dean says.  


Sam responses with, “Yeah but if that didn’t happen I never would have met Cas.”  


“Oh boy, you really are in love,” Dean says chuckling.  
The brothers say their goodbyes and Sam goes to enjoy his morning his Castiel. They end up spending their free time in the morning in front of a tv. Castiel curled into Sam’s side. Crowley has the remote and he’s put the news on. The young men on the couch aren’t really paying attention to the tv it’s just background noise. The tv stops being background noise when the newswoman says nothing that catches their attention.  


“Renowned pediatric surgeon Alastair Damon is set to do a conference on adolescent mental illness in the banquet hall at Green Valley Children’s hospital this evening.” The newswoman says.  


Castiel tenses up the second Alastair talked about on screen. Sam quickly snatches up the remote from Crowley's lap and changes the Channel. 

“Hey what the hell Moose? The remote was mine.” Crowley says in an extremely annoyed tone.  


“Well too bad then it’s mine now.” Sam snaps back with. Cas is upset and he doesn’t want this getting any worse. The older man eventually gives up and leaves. “It’s okay Cas. He can’t hurt you.” Sam says trying to comfort Cas. He would never have guessed Alastair is a doctor let alone a renowned surgeon.  


Cas shakes his head before looking up at Sam. “Yes he can. This conference is just a way for him to show medical photos of my body to hundreds of complete strangers and not get in trouble for having a computer full of child porn. He’ll use me as an example during his speech and show a slide show. I’ve sat in the audience during one of these public speaking events. He’s doing this to punish me for ending in a hospital that he doesn’t have control over. He has to be. He only does these events when he’s extremely pissed off at me.” When Cas is finished he’s winded and teary.  
Sam is completely disgusted. He has no clue what to say. So he just cuddles Castiel on the couch the rest of their free time.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said I'd make it longer. I did.

It’s finally Monday afternoon. Sam is over the moon about getting to see Dean this evening. Cas is happy too when Sam told him Dean had gotten him his pencils he jumped up and down with excitement (Only stopping when Jody told him he had to because he’s prohibited from exercise). 

Sam sits across from Castiel in the art room. Castiel pushes his messy mat of hair back when he looks up to meet Sam’s. Cas’ mouth becomes a small half smile, “What kinds of things does Dean like? I want to draw him something as a thank you gift for the pencils” he asks through his half smile. 

“He likes cars and music,” Sam answers shrugging. Unsure what else he can suggest. 

“Well I can’t draw sound and I’m not very good with cars. What else does Dean like?” Castiel asks looking more unsure this time.  
Sam stops to think, trying to think of something else Dean likes. “Oh Dean and I like to watch Game of Thrones sometimes when our Dad is out of town.”

“Oh, there’s dragons on that show right? I haven’t seen much TV.” Castiel responses with.  
“Yeah, it has dragons,” Sam replies. He can’t help but wonder why Castiel hasn’t seen much TV. Is it by choice or was he forced not to watch it?

“I used to draw dragons and wizards and other fantasy things in school. I think I can draw Dean a dragon.” Castiel says sounded confident. He takes a large piece of paper and starts sketching. 

Shortly after Cas finishes the line art Jody and Charlie show up to take them to see their psychiatrists. Castiel pouts when Jody calls him away from his art. He decides to take his paper with him fearing that another patient will steal it.  
When Sam sits across from Bobby he’s asked basic questions he’s always asked. He answers them but when Bobby tells him he can go he doesn’t he stays back. “Hey, Bobby you’re required to report if someone’s being hurt right?” 

Bobby turns his wheelchair towards Sam looking his face filled with concern. “Is someone hurting you Sam?” The older man asks.

Sam lowers his head. He wants to tell Bobby about Alastair and Castiel he really wants to. He doesn’t want Castiel to be angry with him or sad. He really just wants him to be safe. He’s safe inside the hospital and that’s all that matters. He decides he wants to convince Castiel to tell himself. He doesn’t want him to be forced into this before he’s ready. Sam shakes his head and chuckles, “No. No one’s hurting me. I mean Lucifer tries but he can’t really hurt me. I just wanted to make sure I can come to you if anything happens.” Sam states. 

“Okay well if someone does hurt you or someone else. You make sure to tell me.” Bobby says sternly.  
Sam just nods and leaves the office. When Sam leaves the room he sees Castiel sitting in a chair in the corridor, he doesn’t look happy. Sam takes the empty seat next to him. “Cas what’s wrong?” He asks worriedly.

“I lost weight and Ellen isn't happy.” Castiel looks at Sam with heavy eyes.  
Sam frowns wide-eyed. “Is she putting you back on a feeding tube?” Sam asks worriedly. From what Castiel has said that’s not a pleasant thing.

Castiel shakes his head, “No because I’m not refusing to eat she’s just upping my food count. I don’t know how I even lost weight. They don’t let me do anything.” 

Sam knows that’s not completely true. He’s seen Castiel pacing at night recently. Climbing from the bed and pacing for the last few nights. Sam chooses not to admit that through. He knows Castiel must already be under stress if he’s being asked to eat more, he doesn’t want to stress him out more. Jody comes out of a doorway with a scoop of creamy peanut butter and apple slices. Castiel looks even more upset now. 

Jody hands over the peanut butter and apple to Castiel. “Eat up you have another snack scheduled before dinner.” She orders. 

“I’m allergic to peanuts,” Castiel says calmly.

Jody shakes her head. “No Cas I know you’re not. You ate the mock Chinese food Benny made for dinner last week and that was made with peanut oil.” The woman starts to walk away.

“Do you know many calories are in this peanut butter?” Castiel asks, through it’s more of a plead for mercy than a question. 

“379 calories.” The young man Kevin says from next to Castiel. “Well, maybe 360 in that container.” He corrects himself. 

“Okay first of all Calorie talk is not allowed in this ward because of patients with eating disorders. Secondly Cas that’s not that bad just eat it. You don't need the calorie count.” Jody says before leaving the area. 

Cas frowns, “This is just a scoop of disgusting fat.” Cas says before dunking an apple slice in the peanut butter. 

“I wish you wouldn’t think that way,” Sam says before even realizing what he’s said or how Cas will react.

“I can’t help it. It’s not my fault. I didn’t ask for this. If I could make it stop I would.” Castiel says defensively. He gets up and lays his chair taking his snack and drawing paper with him. His eyes filling with tears as he goes.

“Shit,” Sam says trying to collect himself to go after Castiel knowing he’s messed up.

“Oh wow you’re terrible at everything aren’t you,” Lucifer says from his perch on the chair next to Sam.

“Shut up,” Sam says trying to make the voice stop.

“I didn’t say anything,” Kevin states looking confused.

“No not you,” Sam replies getting up from his seat and going after Castiel.

It doesn’t take Sam long to Find Castiel, he’s sitting in the art room working on his dragon drawing for Dean. Sam runs up to him. “Cas I didn’t mean it that way. I didn’t mean that you have a choice I know you don’t eat disorders are a sickness you’re not well. I meant that I wish you would get well.” Sam states he takes a breath before talking again. “It’s not your body that I love but it’s the shell you’re inside of. When you starve you’re killing it. You’re killing the only part you I can touch. I don’t need your body but that’s what sleeps next to me so please eat.”  
Castiel’s eyes lock with Sam his jaw dropped. “You love me? You really love me?” Castiel asks almost manic.  
Sam nods, “Yes Cas I love you.” before Sam even has time to think anything beyond that Castiel’s run across the art room and kissed him. It’s quick and shy but it’s still a kiss nonetheless. 

“I love you too Sam,” Castiel says. Looking happier than Sam’s ever seen him.

“Will you eat more?” Sam asks. 

Castiel nods. “I promise to try my best.” Castiel sits back down polishing off the rest of his snack. “So are we boyfriend’s now? Officially?” Castiel asks sounding unsure.

“Yeah I think we’re are now,” Sam says with a small smile. 

Castiel smiles back before going back to drawing happily. The new couple spends as long as they can in the art room. Eventually, the boys get pulled for group therapy. Wherever Cas goes his drawing goes. Even during times where Castiel and Sam would be cuddling in bed, Castiel is sitting drawing at his desk. Sam can’t help but be jealous of Dean and his drawing. Sam knows it isn’t going to be like this every day and that he can cuddle his boyfriend as much as he wants tomorrow that stops him from being too jealous.  
A little while before dinner Castiel is pulled from their room. He comes back about 15 minutes later. “How do people eat microwave mac and cheese? It’s disgusting and orange. Cheese shouldn’t be that orange.” Castiel says almost whining. 

“I used to like mac and cheese when I was little but I don’t really like it anymore. I ate it because it was all Dean could cook when we were little.” Sam says shrugging.

“If I have to eat mac and cheese I’d like homemade mac and cheese. Like my mom used to make. I still remember her recipe too.” Castiel says sounding a bit sad. Before going back to his drawing. 

That’s the first time Sam’s heard Castiel talk his parents. He isn’t sure if he should ask why castiel is upset when talking about his Mom. “My mom died when I was a baby so I never got to try any of her food. Dean remembers her pies, it’s why Dean likes pie so much.” Sam says trying to find common ground.

“My mom’s not dead she just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I guess I’m dead to her though. Her and my dad couldn’t handle my life of sin. My mom found gay porn on my phone. When she asked me why it was there I told her ‘Because I’m Gay’ my parents kicked me out that night.” Castiel begins drawing more focused. “I don’t really want to talk anymore.” He says.  
Sam sighs he can’t blame Cas for being sad then. He can’t imagine having two parents that love you and then one day just decide not to. He hugs Mr.Bear to his chest. 

As the pair get up for dinner Cas holds up his drawing. It’s a huge detailed dragon with a hoard of pies next to its tail. With large script next to the dragon that says “Thank You, Dean”. “Do you think he’ll like it?” Castiel asks.

Sam is in shock it’s beautiful it’s amazing. “Cas this is perfect He’ll love it.” He says. “Wait did you add all those pies after I told you Dean likes pies?” Sam asks. Castiel nods. 

They go off to Dinner. Castiel eats everything on his plate without much complaining. “Well look at that hot wings not complaining about my choice of Dinner today,” Benny says actually coming over to Sam and Cas’ table. 

“I’m trying my best to eat more,” Castiel replies with taking another bite of pasta into his mouth. 

“That’s good to hear,” Benny says patting Cas’ shoulder. The man turns his attention to Sam. “I have a feeling this has something to do with you. This kiddo never used to eat without a fight before you showed up. Keep it up clearly whatever you’re doing is working.” Benny says before walking away.

Sam feels proud of himself after that comment but also a little sad. All he’s done is love Castiel and that’s helped, maybe that’s all Castiel has ever needed. 

After dinner, the boys just sit and wait for Dean to show up. Just when they think it should be time for Dean to show up the nurses and staff usher every patient back into the cafeteria so they can make an announcement. Ellen steps forward to give the announcement, “We have an issue of missing cutlery and until the cutlery is found this unit is on lockdown. That means no visitation this evening. In Fact, it means no visitors until the items are found. This cutlery is contraband. We’re giving the person or persons that did not return their cutlery until lights out tonight to return the cutlery with no consequences. For now, we need everyone to be searched and put into scrubs so we can make sure no one’s hiding the cutlery on their person. Then all the rooms are going to be searched." 

Sam sits in shock, sadness washing over him. He looks over Castiel who’s just as upset. They get in line be searched and changed into scrubs. Medication is handed out and everyone’s rooms are searched but nothing is found. No one’s come forward so all the patient asked to stay in their rooms until lights out so the staff can search the rest of the ward. 

Castiel paces around the room, “This sucks I was looking forward to meeting Dean.”

“Stop pacing you’re not supposed to pace Cas. I know I was looking forward to seeing Dean too. I didn’t even call him today because I thought he’d be coming to see us.” Sam says. Castiel walks over and curls in Sam's arms. They began to cuddle on Sam’s bed. 

“I think Bela took the silverware. She has a habit of stealing stuff.” Castiel says sternly.

“You can’t prove that,” Sam replies.

“I can try tomorrow if they let us out of our room,” Cas suggests.

“I kind of hope they don’t. I’m hopeful that I’ll get to just lay in bed holding you.” Sam responses with making Castiel blush again.  
The couple stays in bed until they fall asleep wrapped around each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's I love you speech was heavily inspired by the Nicole Dollanganger song Please Eat. Also, the cutlery lockdown was inspired by something that happened IRL when I briefly spent time in a psych ward in high school.


	8. Chapter 8

Tuesday the full day of the lockdown Castiel and Sam are asked to stay in their room for the day (Other than leaving to use the bathroom). The couple spends time cuddling and talking about different things. Sometimes Castiel gets up to draw and Sam either tries exercising or reads. However, most of their time is spent curled in Sam’s bed with their plush animals. For breakfast, they are giving egg and ham sandwiches made from English muffins a clear mock egg McMuffin. For lunch their given turkey and cheese sandwiches. 

This is something Sam actually has complains about. “I can’t tell if this bread is stale or toasted,” Sam states frowning at his sandwich before looking at Castiel. 

Castiel shrugs from his spot on his own bed for once. Sitting with his legs crossed in front of Sam. 

“It’s both,” Castiel answers, but continues after seeing Sam’s confusion. “It’s rye loaf the bread served in the cafeteria is whole wheat. The only other time I’ve seen rye bread here before was only once. The staff here do a life skills workshop once a month. Well, it’s just Jody, Ellen, and Benny that teach it. Jody teaches self defense. Ellen teaches budgeting and finances. Ellen also tries to help patients get jobs or to school when they leave here. Benny teaches cooking. I went to the workshop during my first week here. We made way more rye bread then we could eat and Benny shoved the loaves into the deep freezer in the kitchen. This is over a month old freezer bread that probably heated up in the big toaster oven in the kitchen.” Castiel finishes his mini speak before eating his sandwich. “I wasn’t allowed to the self-defense because the doctors were scared I’d pass out of something and I already know how to cook, so the cooking class wasn’t helpful. Oh, but Ellen’s class was really helpful. She wants to help get my GED.” Castiel on clarifying. 

Sam isn’t sure if he wants to keep eating his sandwich because of the bread being kept in a freezer for so long. He decides he doesn’t have a choice because it wanted to be fair if Castiel had to eat all of it but he didn’t. He decides instead to focus on the GED and job stuff Cas mentioned. “Oh, I bet Dean could help you study the GED. I think they might have changed the tests since he took them but he might still be able to help. Dean dropped out in his senior year.” Sam frowns before continuing. “He had to drop out because this was around the time I started seeing Lucifer so I needed to be looked after a bit more,” Sam says sounding sad. “I somehow managed to graduate and get a full scholarship despite dealing with seeing Lucifer and my Dad’s issues. Dean gave up any option of that up because he had to look after me.” Sam finishes. 

Castiel frowns wanting to brighten Sam’s mood “You’ve been to college?” Cas asks.

Sam shakes his head, “I tried to but my dad started selling meds and off and so I couldn’t think straight. I ended up just becoming the bookkeeper at my Dad and Dean’s mechanic shop.” Sam replies with.

“Well, at least you’ve had a job. Nobody would hire when I was first kicked out. No shop is willing to hire a 14-year-old without a diploma or GED and without their parent's permission. Then…” Castiel tenses up and stops talking. 

Sam is quick to try and help Cas. He hates seeing him shut down when he thinks about Alastair. “Well, when we get out of here I’m sure Dean and I could you find work,” Sam says with a small smile. 

“You’re the best,” Castiel says. 

The couple goes back to eating and when they’re finished they go back their schedule of cuddling, drawing, reading etc. In the afternoon Castiel is brought his snack. Then another before dinner. Peanut butter and apples both times. Dinner is more sandwich. After dinner, they’re given their meds, antipsychotics, and painkillers for Sam. Antidepressants or Castiel. They cuddle more and end up falling asleep in each other's arms. 

Wednesday morning the nurses let every one of their rooms and let them put their clothes back on. The lockdown is over but nothing is mentioned about from the nurses. It’s easy for the patients to piece together what’s happened. Bela and Chuck are missing from breakfast clearly they’ve been moved to QR and are to blame for the missing silverware and the lockdown. The patients are told that visitation has been moved this evening. Sam and Castiel are both happy about that happy about getting to see Dean. They go through the most of the day until the evening as normal. 

When Dean shows up the visit Sam hugs him hard having missed his brother greatly. Castiel also gets and hug and pat on the back. “So you’re the lucky guy who’s caught my brother huh?” Dean teases. Castiel blushes shyly but nods. Three sit down to chat. It’s then that Castiel pulls out the large thank you dragon drawing. Dean smiles at it his smile is huge. “Wow, when Sammy told me you were an artist I had no idea you were this good. This is awesome Cas it’s really great.” Dean says genuine impression in his voice. Castiel smiles happily that. Dean pulls the of colored pencils and coloring out his duffle bag. This gets happy looks from Sam and Cas and another hug from both of them. “Do you like the pencils?” Dean asks Cas.

“Yes thank you so much,” Castiel replies looking happy. 

“Do you like your coloring books Sammy?” Dean asks.

“Yeah, I love them!” Sam answers.

“This is great. I did a good job buying stuff for you two then,” Dean says sounding happy. 

The trio chats and laughs for another minute only to be stopped by Castiel having to get up and just the bathroom.  
=====================================================  
Castiel makes his way out of the bathroom heading in direction of the lounge where Sam and Dean are waiting for him. A firm hand reaches out and grabs his arm when Castiel looks up in fear to see who’s grabbed his arm his eyes meet the back of Alastair’s head. Castiel fights with himself forcing himself to not pull away. He knows that will only make this worse. “I didn’t know you were coming to see me again so soon Sir,” He says to the back of the head in front of him.

“I wasn’t going to come to see but then I got a phone call saying the hospital had to move the visiting day, you know Wednesdays are always slow at the hospital it was much easier for me to get time off.” The man in in front Castiel states sounding stern.  
This is when Castiel realizes he’s being led away from the cafeteria and lounges, where visitation is held. “Where are you taking me?” He asks unsure if he wants the answer or not.

“It’s a surprise” Alastair responses with. Castiel doesn’t like the sound of that he never enjoys Alastair’s surprise. The older man leading Castiel stops in front of a storage closet and pulls a set of keys from his pants pocket. Castiel’s mouth falls open in shock his mind quickly piecing together he knows what’s about to happen. If he can make it to a nurse he’ll be safe probably forever. Castiel tries to pull his hand away from Alastair to make his escape. Before can he's shoved into the closet. Alastair locks the door behind them and pushes Castiel to the floor. Castiel opens his mouth to scream but is stopped short by something soft but painful object hitting him in the side of the head. Castiel looks up at Alastair his eyes filled with tears confused by what’s hit him. Alastair grins down at Castiel swinging a sock with something heavy inside it. “A padlock inside a sock, Cas it’s an old trick. It doesn’t leave bruises on the outside of the body. I smack you as much as I want with this and not have to answer why you're all bruised up.” Alastair voice sinister as he explains himself. 

Castiel face falls he knows from years of dealing with Alastair there’s no fighting back now. “How you get the key to this room. I thought you didn’t know anyone that works here?” he questions.

Alastair pulls over a large set stool from next a set of shelves full of medical supplies and plants himself on top of it. “Well, it turns out that the same rules apply in any hospital. If you happen to find a nurse that hates her job and drop a hundred dollar bill in front of her, she might drop something shiny in return. Enough talking about other people now. I want you to focus on me,” the man states, before pointing in front of him.

As gracefully as possible Castiel makes it to a kneeling position at Alastair’s feet. “Yes sir,” he says calmly. There’s no point in fighting back now. Hands run through Castiel’s hair. Castiel feels his stomach tie into knot not of butterflies but of sickness. He swallows the feeling back forcing his mind to just float off he can’t allow himself to focus too much on what’s happening. Castiel hears Alastair’s fly unzip. 

It takes about 15 mins for the act to be over with. Castiel ready to puke Alastair’s seed back up already but he knows he won’t have the luxury without out the nurses finding out. “I’ve missed being inside you Castiel. I’m happy you serviced me without much of a fight. I’m kind of sad you didn’t fight back I was hoping I’d use to use my new tool to beat you a bit more oh well.” There’s sing-song tone as Alastair says this. The man stands to put his stool back where he found it. He sets the key ring from his pocket of the shelf by the door of the closet before unlocking it. Castiel takes as permission to stand so he does. Alastair exits the closet and Cas follows.  
======================================================  
“Does Castiel usually take this long in the bathroom?” Dean asks starting to get worried. “Maybe you should check on him?” Dean suggests. 

Sam nods but comes back empty-handed. “Cas isn’t in the bathroom,” Sam says sounding worried. 

“Where’d he run off too?” Dean asks now also getting worried. “Did I scare him off?” Dean asks.

Sam shakes his head, “I don’t think so. Well I hope not.” Sam offers.  
=====================================================  
Castiel ends up sitting across from Alastair in a lounge at the other end of the hospital from where Sam and Dean are. Alastair talks and  
Castiel just says yes sir to most of it. After while of this. Alastair’s phone rings the call is brief before he hangs up.  
“So I need to go the hospital needs me. Some stupid little shit broke his arm and needs surgery.” Alastair states sighing and sounding burdened by this. He leans in and kisses Castiel. “I need to leave be good Castiel and stop eating so much,” Alastair demands before getting up to leave.

Castiel sighs before getting to find Sam and Dean.  
====================================================  
The Brother’s are trying to enjoy their visit still worrying about Castiel. When Castiel shows up looking exhausted Sam gets up and hugs him. Cas pulls away the hug. Sam looks hurt he isn’t sure how to take this. “Cas what’s wrong?” Sam questions. 

“You were pressing my head into your chest that side of my head hurts,” Cas says rubbing his head.

“What happened how did you get hurt?” Sam asks looking at the hurt area but when he doesn’t see a mark he’s even more confused. 

“Alastair happened. He showed up to visit me.” Castiel says clearly upset by that fact.

“Alastair? Where is he?” Sam questions in shock.

“He left. Something happened at the hospital he had to leave.” Castiel says. 

“Wait wait wait. The Alastair that guy you mentioned to me over the phone, wouldn’t happen that doctor guy Alastair Damon would it?” Dean questions.

Castiel nods looking even more uncomfortable with the situation now. Dean is even more shocked by all of this now. 

“What did he want with you?” Sam asks.  
Castiel eyes glaze over, losing focus before he just starts sobbing into Sam’s chest. Letting loose all of the stress of what’s he’s just gone through Alastair. 

Dean isn’t sure what to do he just sits in shock watching all of this unfold.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've spent the last week in bed sick with a fever. My fever finally broke so I was able to pump this out for you guys. :) I hope it's good.

Castiel composed himself and managed to stop crying. It was only then that he pulls away from his embrace with Sam. Wiping his face on the sleeve of his sweater when he does so. Sitting down in front of Dean. Blue eyes red-rimmed and puffy. Castiel looks up at Sam, “You told Dean what I told you about Alastair?” Castiel sounding hurt and untrusting.

“Yes but only because I felt I had to,” Sam replies with knowing Cas isn’t happy.

“I told you that in private you had no right to tell any of it to Dean,” Castiel says frowning.

“I can keep a secret. I won’t tell anyone. Sam only told me because of how upset he was when you introduced Alastair as your boyfriend.” Dean says trying to keep calm. He’s finding the situation harder and harder to deal with. He needs to not alert Castiel. He wants to keep the conversation as calm as possible. 

“You won’t saying anything? For Real?” Castiel asks. Dean nods. 

Happy with that answer Castiel calms down. Dean looks like he’s realizing something then he pulls a small washcloth out of the pocket passing it Sam. Sam looks confused until Dean answers his confusion. “That’s the other thing you wanted,” Dean says being discreet. 

That’s when it hits Sam, that his brother must have hidden the lube he asked for. Sam just slips the washcloth onto his small pile of coloring books. Castiel looks like he wants to question the washcloth but says nothing. 

Soon after that Dean needs to leave, as visitation is over. The older Winchester hugs Sam and Castiel before leaving. The couple makes their way back to their room. Castiel still seeming shaken up by what happened with Alastair. Sam sets his new belongings down of his desk before walking over and hugging Castiel from behind. Castiel rubs his sore cheek. “He hit me with a padlock inside of a pair of socks.” Castiel states.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you Cas,” Sam says. 

Castiel shakes his head. “No don’t be sorry it’s not your fault,” Castiel says. Castiel shrugs Sam off going over his desk setting his colored pencils down. “He made me put him inside my mouth.  
I can never be clean from him it doesn’t matter what I do. It doesn’t matter what Dean does, it won’t matter. No one can stop Alastair.” Castiel admits speaking softly. 

Sam is pissed by the thought of Castiel having to do something like that with Alastair. That’s when it gets how hard this must be for Castiel. This probably isn’t the first time that Alastair has pulled something like this. Making Castiel feel unsafe no matter where he goes or what he does. “Has he done things like this while you’re in a hospital before?”

The frail man in front of Sam gives a small nod never turning to meet Sam’s face. “I met him at children's hospital. When my parents threw me out I lived in a park and on doorsteps for shelter for a while. I got tired of living like that so I stole a bottle of sleeping pills from a pharmacy. I tried to kill myself but a group of joggers found me. Alastair was the surgeon that pumped my stomach. When I was discharged from the hospital that’s when he took me into his home. He got registered as my foster parent and everything. When I ended up in the hospital 2 other times because of trying to kill myself, Alastair was in full control of everything that happened to me.” Castiel finishing speaking sitting down his desk when he’s finished. “I want to use my new pencils now,” Castiel says.

Sam stands in shock for a few moments before sitting down his bed. He should be used to hearing about things Castiel has gone through but he thinks he never will. He scratches at his cast and sighs. He decides he isn't ready to let the conversation stop. “Why are you protecting him Castiel?” Sam asks with frustration in his voice. Castiel’s pencil stops moving when he hears the question but he doesn’t look at Sam. “Why are you protecting him?” Sam asks again.

Castiel pushes his chair away from his desk facing Sam. “I’m not protecting him I’m protecting his potential victims,” Castiel states calmly. “He stopped touching kids when I moved in with him. For all, I know he could have started again because I’ve out his reach for over a month.” Castiel looks down. “With exception of tonight that is.” Castiel looks back up. “People like Alastair, people with power don’t go to prison. They settle out of court and continue to hurt people. Even if I did try to fight him I’d lose. Not only that but Alastair has the power to have me committed to an institution for life if he feels like I’m a threat to him.” Castiel says. “Now I’d like to get back to my art, please leave me alone.” Castiel turns back to his drawings.

Sam hugs Mr. Bear to his chest “I understand why you feel like you can’t stand up to him now I don’t blame you for not wanting to report him,” Sam says. He frowns no wonder Castiel is terrified of Alastair with threatening things like that, he’d be terrified too. Sam switches his focus to one of his books reading it until he falls asleep.

When Sam wakes up he glances at the clock in the room, it’s early. That’s when he noticing Castiel isn’t in bed with him. Castiel is curled up in his own bed hugging his sock monkey to his chest. He guesses that when Castiel found him asleep he didn’t want to risk waking him by climbing into his bed. Sam looks over at his desk. The lube inside the washcloth, he could get away with using those things and Castiel would never know. He walks over to the desk and picks the items taking them back to bed with him. He lays on his bed and gets to work with touching himself. Trying to stay as quiet as possible not wanting to wake Castiel. He has no clue how Castiel would react if he woke to Sam pleasuring himself so it’s best he doesn’t know. It doesn’t take long for Sam to finish himself off. Looking over at Castiel every now and then undressing him with his mind definitely helps move things along. When Sam finishes himself off he places the lube and the sullied washcloth under his pillow. After Sam hides the goods he pretends to be asleep, not having the energy to workout or read after relieving himself for the first time since entering the hospital. 

Awhile after Sam’s act, Castiel begins to stir. Stretching in his bed before leaving Misha the sock monkey behind and claiming out of bed. He looks over at Sam and sees his eyes open. Cas tilts his head and ruffles his messy bed hair asking, “How long have you been awake? I didn’t wake up did I?”.

Sam shakes his head and forces a fake yawn, “No I’ve just been too tired to get up,” he says. Getting up himself and walking over to hug Castiel, who hugs him back. 

“Well good morning then,” Cas says. When their hug ends Castiel glances at the clock in the room. “It’s almost breakfast time we really slept in.” He says before heading to the door. Sam follows him out of the room. 

When the couple sits down for breakfast Sam is the first to start talking. “I can’t believe I get to see Dean again tomorrow,” he says.

Castiel smiles, “Oh yeah that’s right we get to see Dean again tomorrow. I can’t wait”, he says. When Castiel takes his first bite of biscuit and gravy he gags having a hard time forcing it down by the time he manages to swallow his eyes have tears pooling at the corners. 

Sam frowns reaching across the table and clutching Castiel’s hand with his good one. “It’s okay Cas. Take your time I know you can eat it.” He says stroking the boney hand clutched in his own strong one.

“No I don’t think I will be gravy is one of my fear foods. I can’t eat this.” The blued young man states his voice shaking. He pushes the plate away looking very unhappy.

“If you don’t eat you’ll end up of a feeding tube and you won’t be able to spend time with me.” Sam says sounding pained, “I don’t want to be without you again please,” he pleads.

Castiel shakes his head crying more. “I’ll try my best.” He offers. Taking a very large bite on his fork and downing it through his tears. 

The couple both manages to finish their food Castiel crying softly the whole time. Sam wonders why Castiel seems so traumatized this is much worse than his discomfort around food. Sam doesn’t question his boyfriend he knows if Cas wants him to know he’ll tell him. 

After breakfast, Sam heads off to his first group of the day and Castiel heads off to the art room to paint. After only a few minutes on Castiel painting, he feels a hand on his waist. He feels his heart race and the peach fuzz lining his arms stand on end. He knows whoever is touching him is not Sam, Sam is in a group, this can’t be Sam. He turns around slowly his eyes meeting a short woman with a round face wearing nursing scrubs. “You shouldn’t be touching me this way,” Castiel says trying to stand up for himself, but it comes out as terrified whine rather than stern.  
“Aw Clarence don’t be so grumpy. You’re too cute you’re grumpy.” The nurse says oh so very condescending.

“That’s not my name.” Castiel again trying to sound annoyed but again it comes out as a whine. 

The woman reaches up with the hand not wrapped on Castiel’s waist and pinches his cheek. “You’re so grumpy it’s adorable. Do you realize that if you piss me off I’m going to tell Dr. Damon that you’re cheating on him with that Winchester boy?” The nurse questions him every word she says like acid against Castiel’s skin.

Castiel begins to shake. His mind working around the woman’s said. How does she know about Alastair? Her knowing about Sam doesn’t phase him, it’s not him and Sam do a very good job of hiding it. However, how would she know about Alastair. 

“You’re wondering how I know about you and the good doctor huh? I’m the person he slipped money to be able to have his alone time with you in that closet. I don’t know what he did to you but I do have a guess. Based on your reaction I know I’m right. You wouldn’t this freaked out if you weren’t scared of your powerful doctor boyfriend losing his shit on you.” The woman says.

“He’s not my boyfriend. You’re protecting a rapist and a pedophile.” Castiel says back to her.

“Aw Clarence but you’re doing that too aren’t you. He wouldn’t be able to visit you if spoke out against him.” The nurse pinches his cheek again and coos at him. Castiel raises his arm ready shove this crazy woman away from him. “Touch me and I’ll have you sedated and shoved in QR until you get discharged.” The woman states sounding ready to rip Castiel skin from his bones. Castiel lowers his hand looks at the floor. “That’s what I thought Clarence you be a good boy now. My name’s Meg by the way.” The nurse named Meg says smacking Castiel’s bottom as she leaves. 

Castiel cries into his hands when she leaves. He does his best to compose himself and clean off his face. When he’s calmed himself he goes back to painting. He needs to distract himself or he’s going end up puking. When Sam shows up Castiel quietly leading him back to their room crawling with his bed. 

Sam isn’t sure how to react to this. Castiel’s never been this urgent for cuddles. However Sam can’t blame him after the day he’s had yesterday, and his problems this morning. He doesn’t ask Castiel why he wants cuddles. Sam just holds Castiel close to his chest kissing his head ever so often. Castiel sighs into Sam’s chest. 

The boys stay in bed cuddled up with each other until Castiel to leave to go to Group therapy. Leaving Sam figure himself out. Sam ends up in one the lounges with Crowley. Sam doesn’t have control of the remote and Crowley is insisting on watching some old black and white film. 

“I’d kill for a fag,” Crowley says.

Sam whips his head around to look the man next to him. “What?” Sam asks trying not to sound offended.

“A cigarette, Moose. Don’t worry I’m not interested in shagging you or that little twink that clings to you all the bloody time.” Crowley states. “I’d also really love a glass of scotch.” The man says.

Sam doesn’t know what say to the fact Castiel was just called twink. He shrugs it off it’s not like Crowley is wrong. “Isn’t your love of booze part of the reason your here? It’s probably not a good idea to dwell on it too much. That can’t be healthy.” He says.

Crowley just sighs. “You sound like my ginger whore witch of a mother when you're nagging like that,” Crowley states in a huff. 

“Didn’t you mean bitch?” Sam questions. 

Crowley shakes his head before saying, “No Witch. She must be a witch she’s never lost a case. No lawyer has that streak.”

“Oh.” Is all Sam says there’s not much else to say to that? 

At some point towards the end of the black and white movie Castiel shows up and Crowley moves over the couch without a word making extra room for Cas. Castiel cuddles in Sam side. This is when Sam begins to question how many people have figured that he and Castiel are more than friends. Have the staff figured it out? He decides he shouldn’t worry about all of that and that he just focus on cuddling Castiel. 

However, when the couple has time in their room after lunch Sam decides to bring it up. “Hey Cas how many people do you think know we’re a couple?” Sam asks.

“I don’t know. Well, Dean knows but I don’t know who else knows.” Castiel says sounding nervous. 

“I’m not trying to upset you. I’m just wondering who knows because Crowley’s figured it out.” Sam says worried about Cas’ sudden distress. 

Castiel seems to relax when Sam says that. “Oh alright. Well, we don’t really hide with all the cuddling we do in front of people.” Castiel suggests.

Sam shrugs, “I guess you’re right. Do you mind that people know?” he asks. 

Castiel just shakes his head, “I’ve spent long enough trying to hide who I am I’m done hiding.” He says. 

After this talk, Sam walks over and kisses Castiel. This time it’s not just a kiss though, it quickly turns into a make-out session on Castiel’s bed. Only ending when Sam looks up at the clock. “I should call Dean. Jody will be coming to give you, your snack soon.” Sam says climbing off of Castiel who’s left flustered on his until he’s pulled for his snack. 

When Sam calls Dean the phone rings for a while before it’s answered. 

“Hi, Dean.” Sam greets when the phone is answered.

“This isn’t Dean. This is your father speaking Sam.” The voice on the phone says back.

“Oh hi, Dad. Uhm Why are you picking on Dean’s cell phone?” Sam asks nervously. He really doesn’t feel like dealing with his Dad right now.

“Because your brother finally realized how useless you are Sam. He doesn’t want to speak to you.” John says before hanging up. 

Sam stumbles at that fact. He doesn’t want to believe it. He can’t help but wonder if his dad said is right. Lucifer takes advantage of Sam moment of weakness. Standing over Sam. 

“Dean fucking hates you and if Castiel wasn’t such a broken little slut he’d hate you too!” Lucifer shouts at Sam.

“Shut up,” Sam says. 

“Why Sammy? Why do you hate the truth? You’re a broken fuck up! No one decent would ever love you! You don’t want to believe that Castiel is a whore? He sucked off another man. Right under your nose. Guess who does that whore!” Lucifer shouts in Sam’s face.

“It’s not like that you know that,” Sam states back.

“Yeah, how do you know he’s not lying just to cover his ass?” Lucifer asks.

“Because he wouldn’t do that,” Sam says.

“Wow you really are pathetic your brother hates you and you’re letting a whore lead you on. Maybe that’s why Dean hates you because of how stupid you are.” Lucifer says laughing now.

“Shut the fuck up right now,” Sam says back. 

“You know I could but I’m not going, Sammy. I like how upset you are about the truth. That little slut as you wrapped around his little bony finger. He really does you have no clue how stupid that makes you. It’s a good thing Dean isn’t burdened by you anymore.” Lucifer continues to berate him.

“I said shut up!” Sam shouts throwing the landline phone in his lap across the room. The phone slides across the floor stopping at Charlie’s feet. 

The redhead picks the phone off the floor. “Sam just because your family upsets you doesn’t mean you get to throw things. You broke this phone. This is the only phone I have for all of my patients. I have no clue when the hospital will be able to replace it.” She scolds Sam.

Sam frowns, “I’m sorry Charlie. Lucifer wasn’t leaving me alone. I know that’s not an excuse but I don’t know what else to say.” He says.

“You’re banned from using the phone when it’s replaced. Also, I’m putting in a request for your meds to be raised, clearly it’s not helping if you’re breaking things.” The woman in front of his says before walking away. Sam is just left to sit in his chair and think about how badly he’s just fucked up. 

He sits in that chair until he finally pulls himself from it to go back to his room to see Castiel again.  
“So I’m banned from calling Dean,” Sam states bluntly. 

Castiel looks over Sam shocked. “What happened?” He asks.

Sam just shakes his head. “I broke the phone Charlie gave me. I don’t really want to talk about this.” Sam says.

Castiel frowns but nods understanding that feeling. Castiel is busy tidying their room. When he goes to fluff Sam’s pillow Sam tenses up. Ready to tell Castiel not to but before he can the tube of lube is knocked to the floor and Castiel leans down picking but the lube. Sam's heart begins to race he as no clue Castiel is going to react.

“What’s this? Is it a kind of lotion?” Castiel asks.

“Yes well in a way,” Sam says. “Hey uh wait, Cas you’ve never seen lube before?” Sam asks. “You never saw another like this around Alastair:s house?” Sam waits with bated breath having a feeling he won’t like this answer.

Castiel shakes his head looking even more confused now. “Alastair isn’t big into health products like this. Why do are you bringing him up this has nothing to do with him?” Castiel questions.

Sam feels the anger rising in him. Alastair never used lube when he’d force himself onto Cas. He feels angry and conflicted if he explains why he’s so angry he’ll out himself for what he has the lube for. If he says nothing or lies Castiel will never understand how wrong what he went through this. So Sam is just left standing beside his bed silent.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tags and Trigger warnings apply to this chapter. The new art is based on Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back again sorry this took so long my life has been crazy.

                                        

Sam calms his anger enough that he’s able to explain himself to Castiel. “Because Cas that lube is something used during sex that’s why.” He says.

Castiel blushes deeply before sitting on his bed. The lube still clutched in his hands. When he looks up at Sam looks both overwhelmed and also sad. “Sam if you got this because you’re hoping to have sex with me… I can’t.” Cas pauses trying to compose his thoughts. “I don’t think I can give what you want. Maybe someday but I know I can’t now not after what I’ve been through.” Castiel manages to get out looking more and sadder as he speaks.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Sam says rushing over to Castiel beside. He kneels next to his boyfriend’s legs spot on the bed. Stroking Cas’ hands. “I love you so much. I will never force you to anything with me that you don’t want to do. If can’t ever have sex with me I understand that. I wouldn’t blame you after everything you’ve been through. I do hope to have sex with you someday when and if you’re ready. I’m definitely not asking that of you right now.” Sam tries to console with his words.

Castiel glances back down at the tube in his hands before looking back up at Sam. “Then why do you have this?” Cas questions.

Sam begins blushing. “It’s also used for masturbation,” Sam states hoping Castiel won’t become upset.

Castiel is blushing just as much as when he first found the lube could be used for sex. “Oh. Have you used it for that?” Castiel asks tilting his head innocently when he does so. Sam simply nods unable to bring himself to answer properly. Castiel just passes the tube back to Sam. “I don’t really do that so you can this back now.” Castiel states getting up and heading over his desk as he does so.

Sam doesn’t really think before he what he says next comes out of his mouth. “I masturbated while thinking about you this morning.”

Castiel turns around and he’s blushing even worse than before. He says nothing his mouth just hangs open and face is red like maple leaves. Sam can’t help but wonder if he’s fucked up by saying what he said.

Before Castiel has the time to say or do anything about what’s happened Jody walks into the room. “Cas your foster Dad called he wants to speak with you.”

Castiel shakes himself from his stunned state and looks over at Jody. “Alastair never calls. Did he tell you what he wanted?”

Jody simply shakes her head before leaving the room. Castiel is just left in shock at his desk he pushes his chair away from his desk, heading to the door after doing so. Sam stops him by taking hold of his arm before he makes it to the door. Castiel stops and turns around in shock. “Please let go,” Castiel tries his best to be demanding but fails.

Sam releases Cas’ arm the second he realizes he’s upset Cas. It’s only then that Sam remembers Castiel has problems with being grabbed by the arm. He had forgotten the incident with Chuck grabbing Cas until now. “I don’t want you to talk to him. You don’t have to speak with him,” Sam says.

“Yes, I do. If I don’t speak with him he will find a way to hurt me,” Cas says his head lowered. “He has a new minion in this hospital. She can hurt me for Alastair,” Cas’ voice cracks during the last part of his statement.

Sam furrows his brow in worry. “What do you mean minion? What happened?” Sam questions.

“I ran into the nurse that helped him hurt me last time he came to see me she’s working for Alastair now,” Castiel says. Before Sam can reply Castiel leaves the room.

=======================================================================

Castiel makes his way to Jody’s office. He hovers in the doorway to the office. “May I call Alastair back now?” He asks calmly and politely.

Jody just smiles and passes Castiel the phone on her desk. Castiel mutters a “thanks” before finding a small corner dialing Alastair's direct line at the hospital. Knowing he’ll still be at work and more then likely has his personal phone on silent. He only ever had two contacts in his cell phone Alastair gave him. The direct line at the Green Valley Children's hospital and Alastair's cell phone. He was too scared to try and call anyone else, even his old friends from school. Alastair picks up after the third ring.

“So Castiel you’ve decided you have the time to call me back. I called 20 minutes ago. Why did you make me wait so long?” Alastair questions.

“I...I was just finishing up a drawing Sir,” Castiel answers.

Castiel hears a sigh over the phone. “You shouldn’t neglect me, Cassie,” Alastair says.

“Don’t call me that, please. How did that little boy’s surgery go?” Castiel asks trying to change the subject.

“Which little boy? I do a lot of surgeries Castiel.” Alastair sounds bitter when he says Castiel’s name.

“The little boy that you left early to help,” Castiel says.  
“Oh yes, he’s fine. He was such a little brat while he was awake. I suppose that makes sense I chose to deny him painkillers so I could watch him cry. He was so nice before he woke up after surgery. His stupid unwed cunt of a mother couldn’t even take the time off work to sit with him after surgery so I got to have him all to myself. He was so soft and nice,” Alastair goes on for what seems like forever for Castiel.

Castiel has to try very hard to keep his food in his stomach after Alastair said. “You promised me you wouldn’t do that anymore Sir,” Castiel says his voice waving from shock.

“Ah yes I said I wouldn’t go after other boys as long you were by my side. You’re not by my side are you Cas?” Alastair questions.

“No, I’m not Sir,” Castiel answers.

“No No Call me what you call when we’re alone, I want you to prove you’re still mine,” Alastair demands.

“Okay, Daddy,” Castiel says trying his best to fake being soft and sweet the way Alastair likes him.

“That’s it, my boy. I thought of you while I touched that little boy, and afterward when I masturbated in my office,” Alastair says.

“I just happy you didn’t do it over that boy, Daddy,” Castiel says trying his best to behave.

“Why would you have been jealous if I had?” Alastair asks.

No you sick fuck. I wouldn’t have been jealous. I’m just happy a child was spared from the horror having you jerk off over his unconscious body. Castiel thinks but he doesn’t say any of that he knows better instead he says, “Yes Daddy,” Knowing that’s what Alastair would want to hear. “I have to go now Daddy, It’s almost time for dinner.”

“Alright don’t eat too much. Have fun,” Alastair says before hanging up.

Castiel gives the phone back to Jody and makes his way to the cafeteria. Sam meets him there, he tries to ask Cas what’s happened but Castiel won’t talk during dinner he just quietly eats not even making eye contact.

=======================================================================

When Castiel and Sam make it back to their room. Castiel sits down on his bed and hugs his sock monkey to his chest. “Alastair is hurting kids again,” Castiel states. Sam sits on his bed in shock unsure of what to say. “Also you’re not the only one thinking of me when masturbating,” Castiel says only then making eye contact with Sam.

“I’m sorry,” Sam says unsure of why he’s sorry he just feels so bad because of all of this. Castiel just stays quiet hugging his stuffed animal until getting pulled for their showers.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Dean's reaction to finding out John used his cell phone.

Dean walks out of the washroom at the shop only to find his phone in his father's hand. “Dad what are you doing with my phone?” He questions his father.

“Just making sure Sam won’t bother you anymore. I He told him that he’s a burden to you and for him to leave you alone.” John says with a sly half smile on his face. 

“What the fuck is your problem? He’s your son and he’s sick and you don’t even care!” Dean shouts in his father’s face before snatching his phone up and heading out the back door.

Dean isn’t really thinking he just wants away from his dad. He just needs to calm his temper before he does something stupid. Too late. He punches through the wooden plaque on the washroom door of the gas station neighboring the shop. Bruising his hand as he does so. Dean feels stupid but he’s tired of his Dad’s shit. Dean tries dialing the number Sam called him from and doesn’t get through so he tries the nurse's desk for the floor that Sam is on and gets through. “My brother Sam Winchester tried calling me earlier could you please put me through to him?” He asks.

“Oh, your brother’s that psycho that sees the devil huh? Yeah, he chucked a phone across the room because he satan told him to. We’re not letting him have phones anymore.” The Nurse on the line says sounding annoyed and bored with her job. 

“You can’t call my brother a psycho,” Dean says his patients for this woman already gone.

“Really? but I just did call him a psycho didn’t I?” The woman mocks him.

“Listen here you stupid bitch I’m not dealing with your shit.” Dean snaps. 

There’s pause on the line. “That’s no way to greet a man you’ve never met.” A different voice is on the line now this time it sounds like an older man. “Especially someone who’s just had your call transferred to them.” The man adds on.

“I’m sorry sir, that wasn’t meant for you. I’m just trying to get through to my brother that’s all.” Dean says trying to calm himself and speak clearly. 

The man sighs softly. “Who’s your brother?” The man asks.

“Samuel Winchester. Everyone calls him Sam though. I’m his brother Dean Winchester I should be the only person on his call list or visitor list.” Dean answers.

“I’m Sam’s psychiatrist Robert Singer. You can just call me Bobby though. Your brother could have gotten himself into a lot of trouble today. He threw his social workers landline across the room breaking it in the process. If he had hit someone with it would have ended up in QR. Effectively solitary confinement. He didn’t hit anyone so he just got a warning. None of the staff feel safe letting him talk to family over the phone now.” The man Dean know knows as Bobby explains.

“Can you at least let him know that I’m not mad at him?” Dean asks. Even more angry with this father after this. None of this would have happened if their Dad hadn’t upset Sammy like that.

“You can tell him tomorrow when you come to see him. He’ll be fine today. He’s made good friends with his roommate I’m sure Castiel is keeping his company he’ll be okay.” Bobby says. 

Dean can’t help but hope Castiel isn’t helping Sam feel better too much. He suddenly regrets giving Sam lube for a second. Until he remembers that Cas probably isn’t in the mood for any of that after whatever happened with Alastair. That’s when he’s reminded of something else. “Okay, I’ll let Sam know when I come to see him tomorrow. This might sound weird but could you transfer me to Cas’ psychiatrist before I hang up?” 

“Sure thing.” Bobby sounds confused by transfers Dean over.

A woman comes on to the line. “Hello, Ellen Harville speaking what do you need Dear?” The woman’s voice sounds stern but kind. 

“Hello Ellen, my name’s Dean Winchester. You might know my brother he’s the boyfr-roommate of your patient Castiel. I wanted to speak to you because I have some information about Cas that I think you might be helpful for you to know.” Dean states. 

Dean here’s the woman pause on the phone. He hears a sound he can only assume is desk drawers moving. He wonders what Ellen is doing. “What information is this Dean?” The woman asks. 

Dean pauses himself. He needs to think about what he’s doing. He doesn’t want Cas to be mad at him he just wants Cas safe that’s all. “I wanted to tell you that I don’t think Alastair Damon should not be allowed to have contact with Cas while he’s in the care at this hospital. I believe that He's not good for Cas to be around.” Dean says, hoping he vague enough that Cas won’t be mad, but good enough that it still gets his point across. 

“Alastair was Castiel foster parent after his parents kicked him out for his sexual orientation. Primary caregiver, you don’t have the authority to say Castiel can’t have contact with him.” Ellen says. 

“Alastair isn’t good far Cas trust me please.” Dean all but begs. 

“I’m sorry Dean but unless Castiel asks me himself not to have contacted him I can’t do anything,” Ellen says. 

“Okay well then ask him about it. Ask Cas about his last visit with Alastair. Make him tell you what happened.” Dean demands. 

“Alright, Dean I’ll do my best to do that. You have a good day okay,” Ellen says. 

Dean says goodbye and hangs up the phone. He hopes he’s done the right thing. Dean looks back at the back door of the shop and then at the Impala. He decides he doesn’t want to deal with any more of his Dad’s crap and just drives home. He knows John’s going to be pissed he doesn’t really care though.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is not okay...more not okay then usual

When Sam wakes up the first thing he notices is Cas isn’t cuddled into his side. He just has Mr.Bear in his arms. He sits up looking around for Cas. Then he sees him, Cas is standing in front of Sam's hamper buttoning up Sam’s navy blue flannel shirt. Cas has never gotten dressed or undressed in the same room as Sam until now. They have an unspoken agreement. They both change in into pajamas in their shower stalls and get dressed in washroom stalls some point in the morning after breakfast. Never in the same room. It's done for Cas’ comfort. When Cas is done buttoning up Sam’s shirt he looks up and that’s when he notices Sam is awake. Cas gives a small half smile, “Good morning.” Cas greets.

Sam becomes the half-smile with one of his own. “You’re wearing my shirt.” Sam states. He isn’t sure what answer he’s hoping for he just feels confused.

“It smells like you it makes me feel all safe and warm.” Cas pushes his thumbs through the loops made from snapping the buttons meant to lay on the wrist. The shirt nearly covers his knees. Dwarfing his small frame and making Sam feel oddly large and strong. Seeing how small Cas is his clothes does something to Sam. He feels an overwhelming urge to protect Cas from anything that could ever harm him. He walks over to Cas and kisses him. This kiss ends with Cas up on his desk, his pencils on the floor his back flush to the wall, Sam standing between Cas legs their foreheads pressed together. 

“I think I should wear your dirty shirts more often,” Cas says flustered. There’s an undertone to when Cas says this. Something most people may not pick up on. That undertone is fear, Cas is scared of him. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking. I have a habit of being rough. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Sam says as he leans down to scoop up the pencils that fell to the floor. 

“Sam I could get mad at you and say that I’m a victim. That you shouldn't do things like that might trigger me but I know things will never work out between us if you’re worried about breaking me. Yes you shoved me onto the desk scared the shit out of me, but that kiss was the best kiss I’ve had. Not because it was rough but because you were rough with me and I know I still had control. I know that if I tell you to stop you will. That’s what made it the best kiss I’ve ever had. I’d still really like it if you didn’t do that again.” When Cas finishes speaking he kisses Sam and walks out of the room. Sam smirks as he feels like they’ve just made a breakthrough with Cas’ PTSD. 

When the couple makes it to the lunchline. Benny raises his eyebrow at Cas clearly wearing Sam’s shirt but doesn’t say anything about it. Sam can’t help but smile at that, knowing everyone at the hospital that Cas is clearly his. The couple sits down and eats theirs together.

 

=========================================================  
When they finish their food they both head their separate ways for their groups. When Cas has time without Sam instead of going to the art room he goes one the TV lounges. Not wanting to be alone and in the open after what happened with Meg. He ends up in a lounge with Crowley again. That guy seems to spend all of his free time in the lounges watching TV. Cas decides to try and make small talk. His people skills have always been rusty but he can try his best. “You’re in the eating disorder and addiction group with me but we never talk to each other. The group been kind of empty since Bela and Chuck added up in QR. It’s just been us, and Andy. We should talk more.” Cas says. 

“You’re right we should Castiel. What exactly would you like to talk about?” Crowley questions. 

“I don’t know I don’t usually do this,” Cas replies. 

“I suppose I can carry the conversation for you. Are things well in paradise huh? You’re wearing Moose’s shirt.” Crowley says. 

Cas blushes. “Is it that easy for everyone to tell?” Cas asks shyly.

Crowley chuckles and nods. “Only Moose wears flannel that god awful. Well, I guess you do to now.” Crowley says. 

“I don’t think it’s awful it’s soft and warm. It’s not as warm as my sweaters but it’s still soft and warm.” Cas says sounding a bit defensive. 

=================================================================

When Sam does get time with Cas that’s when Cas chooses to use his time to paint. Sam tries not to mind. He longs for Cas’ cuddles but he understands why Cas is reluctant to be left alone. Knowing there’s a nurse in the hospital that’s siding with Alastair has Sam on edge as well. 

That’s how they spend their whole morning. Therapies, Cas waiting in a lounge for Sam, Cas painting, Sam sitting on his stool and watching Cas paint. 

The pattern stops at lunchtime. Cas frowns when he sees the food, chicken with gravy, Sam thinks back to the last time Cas was forced to eat gravy he hated it then too. When they sit down to eat Sam has help Cas a lot each bite is a tiny victory. Many many tiny victories later Cas’ food tray is empty, Sam’s tray follows after. 

Cas heads for their room once they’ve both finished their food. He ends up on his bed cuddling Misha the sock monkey clearly upset. “Are you gonna okay?” Sam asks.

“I’m never going to be okay. Not after everything he did to me.” Cas says wiping his quickly devolving tears with the back of his hand.  
“Maybe if you tell me why gravy is such a fear food I can help you?” Sam suggests. 

Cas sits up and turns toward Sam’s bed. Sam takes this as a cue to sit down on his own bed. “When Alastair first began restricting my food intake, more than I already had been while still with my mom and dad, he caught me sticking my finger in the gravy bowl on his dining room table. He hadn’t let me eat in five days. He had been locking me in the master bathroom when he left for work. I was hungry and desperate I thought he wouldn’t mind me sampling from his gravy bowl but I was wrong. He slammed me into the table. Solid oak slamming against my skull. I until I was barely conscious. Then he said to me if I wanted gravy I could have it. He force fed me gravy until I puked. Then he kicked me in the stomach until I blacked out. He found out later that he didn’t stop kicking until I stopped throwing up bile and started to puke blood. He tore open part of something inside me. He ended up cutting me open to fix whatever he broke inside me. I haven’t been able to enjoy gravy since.” Castiel says sobbing softly by the time he’s finished. 

“My dad’s done stuff similar to that to me. Though most of what he’s done has been to Dean. And Nothing my dad’s ever done has been that bad though. He slammed my head into a table but things didn’t go further than that. Once he got so pissed with me he made me chug hot sauce until and puked it all up. Still can’t imagine having all of that and worse happen all at once. Do you have any idea how strong you are to have survived him?” Sam questions.

Cas lets out a weak laugh. “I haven’t survived anything. I’m still trapped with him. It doesn’t matter that I’m here with you.” Castiel says before getting up from the bed and going over to his desk to draw. Sam decides on just doing pushups. He’s finally able to put some weight on to his injured wrist. He knows it’s not healed yet but it’s a start. 

The pair does their own activities in silence until Charlie and Jody come to get them for their psychiatrist appointments. Both Women look interested in why Cas is wearing Sam’s shirt and why Cas seems upset but they say nothing. 

===================================================

Cas sits down in front of Ellen he can tell something is different about this appointment. Ellen doesn’t have her pen and notepad she has a tape recorder on her desk in its place. He frowns he doesn’t like where this could be going. “I noticed Dr. Damon’s has been showing more interest in your case as of late,” Ellen says. 

“Not really he had off work Wednesday evening and decided to visit me. He only called to update me on the child he left our visit early to help. That’s not showing extra interest it’s just the way things are.” Cas says wondering if that’s the last question he’s going to get about Alastair. 

“Alright, that makes sense. How did your visit go with Wednesday? It must be nice seeing him since you can’t see him that often.” Ellen says.  
Cas swallows trying to keep his thoughts straight. That’s not working he hears his heart beating so fast he feels like it could string itself from his ribcage at any moment. Cas welcomes this thought because he knows he wouldn’t survive that. Why is Dr. Hariville asking him these things? How much does she know? How did she find out what she knows? How much is he going to have to lie? What happens if she finds out he's lying? What if Alastair has gotten to her too and this is all a trap? 

“Cas could you please me about your visit with Dr. Damon on Wednesday,” Ellen repeats herself. It only then does Cas realize he spaced out. 

“It was a normal visit we chatted about my process in treatment and how things have been for him at home,” Cas says wishing this so badly for that to be the end of her questioning. 

“Would you say your relationship with Alistair has always been normal? Has he ever hurt you?” Ellen asks. 

Everything is suddenly blurry he can’t his eyes to focus. Why is there a fan running? It’s too cold for a fan to be running. It takes a while for things to become to Cas that there’s no fan. He’s hyperventilating. He must be having an anxiety attack. Everything gets whiter the then darker then black. When Cas comes through he’s on the floor of Ellen’s office. He looks over at Ellen she’s on the floor too, kneeling in front of him and she looks worried. “You had an anxiety attack it must have triggered your asthma you just fainted. “ Ellen says. 

“Oh,” Cas says before trying to sit up only to fall back over. 

“I’m getting a nurse,” Ellen says before rushing out of the room. When she returns what she has with her just sets into another attack. He doesn’t want Meg to know he what he was just asked. He doesn’t want Alistair to know he’s been questioned about him. 

When Cas wakes up again he’s lying in a hospital bed. Not just a bed that happens to be in a mental hospital. No this is like the beds at children's hospital a medical bed. 

Cas looks around he sees Ellen, and Jody there’s no sign of Meg he’s relieved but he still doesn’t understand what’s happening. 

“Cas you had a seizure. Your stress and low potassium was a toxic mixture. You need to be on bed rest until the Doctors can be sure you aren’t going to faint or have another seizure.” Ellen says stroking Cas hand gently. “I’m sorry I know this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t pushed you for answers so damn hard,” she says handing her head when she speaks. 

Cas is quiet he blinks unsure or what to do or say. “Sam.” Is all his weakened lungs want to let him call out for.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is even less okay (I'm sorry but not really).

Sam sat on his bed chewing his fingernails. After his appointment with Bobby Jody had come up to him and told him Castiel wasn’t well and was in the infirmary. When Sam asked what happened Jody didn’t want to tell him but from the look on her face knew it wasn’t good. So now Sam just sits on his bed worried about Cas because no one wants to tell him anything. He hugs Mr. Bear and Misha to his chest unsure of what else he can do.

Therapy groups happen, more sitting on his bed until it’s dinner time. Sam frowns getting into line himself. He’s not used to eating alone here. It doesn’t help that dinner is cheeseburger casserole one of the few foods Benny serves that Cas will eat without complaining. “Where’s hot wings?” Benny questions when Sam gets to the food counter.

“He’s in the infirmary. I don’t know what happened he went to for his appointment with Ellen and didn’t come back.” Sam says sadly.

Benny scoops some extra food onto Sam tray. “I know that’s not much help but maybe food will ease any worries you’re feeling.” Sam just mutters thanks and looks for a place to sit.

Sam and Cas usually just find a two-chair table in the corner somewhere and eat. They never sit at a larger table with other people. Sam finds a table he feels comfortable sitting at Kevin and Crowley are sitting at a four chair table close to the serving counter. Sam wonders over to them. “Can I join you guys?” Sam asks. Kevin just nods and Sam sits down.

“Where’s your boyfriend, Moose?” Crowley asks.

Sam swallows and frowns. “He’s in the infirmary.” Sam answers.

“Bloody hell, the kid was fine this morning. He spent time in the tv lounge with me it was nice. Especially since this little bookworm bailed out spending time with me because he had his nose in some book.” Crowley gestures with his hand to Kevin.

“Maybe I would spend so much time reading if you actually let me pick what was put on the TV,” Kevin says sounding a bit annoyed. Sam can’t help but question the relationship between the pair in front of him. He isn’t quite sure what these two are to each other.

“Dearie you’re cute but not that cute,” Crowley says in response to Kevin before turning his attention back to Sam. “Do you know happened to Cas?” Crowley questions. Sam just shakes his head digging into his food.

Kevin must have noticed Sam didn’t want to about Cas because he’s quick to change the subject. “Hey, Sam do you have anyone visiting you today?”

“I’m not sure. I think my brother is mad at me.” Sam says.

“Well, I hope he still comes to see you. I think my mom is coming to see me. If your brother doesn’t show you can hang out with us. So you don’t have sit alone in your room without Cas.” Kevin offers.

“What I don’t get to join you and tiger mom for the visit?” Crowley questions.

“No, you don’t because my mom hates you.” Kevin answers.

Sam tilts his head. “Why does Kevin’s mom hate you?” he asks Crowley.

“I called his mum a bitch,” Crowley says his smirk tells Sam he doesn’t feel bad for doing that.

The newfound trio finishes eating Crowley wonders off leaving Kevin and Sam themselves to wait for their potential visitors. Kevin’s Mom shows up and she’s quickly followed by Dean. Sam runs to hug Dean and Dean hugs him back. “I’m not mad at you. I don’t hate you Dad used my phone while I was in the shitter. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you that sooner.” Dean says when he pulls away from his hug with his brother.

“It’s okay, I’m just happy you’re here now,” Sam says. When the siblings sit down Dean looks around.

“Where’s Cas?” Dean asks.

Sam just hangs his head. “He’s in the infirmary. He went for his appointment with his psychiatrist and didn’t come back. They won’t tell me anything about him. I think everyone just doesn’t want me to worry, but not telling me is just making me worry more. I just want to make sure he’s okay.” Sam states his voice cracking as he speaks.

“Hey hey, Sam, it’s okay I’m sure he’s fine,” Dean reassures his brother. Sam just shakes his head. “Lucifer keeps saying that Cas is gonna die. I’m starting to believe him.” Sam says.

Dean runs his hands down his face. “I think I know what happened. I called here after you tried to call me. Some bitch nurse transferred me to your psychiatrist, he transferred me to Cas’ psychiatrist. I told her to ask Cas about Alistair. I didn’t say anything else. Don’t worry, I just told her to ask about Cas’ last visit with him that’s all. I guess even that was too much. Cas probably had a panic attack or something when he was asked about it. If I’m right he’ll be okay.” Dean tells his brother.

Sam is left wide-eyed. He doesn’t know what to say to all of this. “I hope you’re right and that not that serious.” Is all Sam manages to reply with.

============================================================

Cas is bored with his mind. They won’t even let him get out of bed to go the washroom. One of the nurses insisted on shoving a catheter into him. He’s happy when he’s finally brought dinner. He asks about Sam getting to see him but he’s told no anytime he asks. When it’s time for Cas’ food tray to be removed. He’s filled with fear all over again. It’s Meg, she comes over to his bedside scooping up the tray. “You really need to stop eating so much.” She says. Then places steel bowl on in the same spot as the bedside swing table the food tray was on.

“What’s that for?” Cas asks really too sure if he wants to know.

“It’s for your puke,” Meg says.

Cas is confused he feels fine he doesn’t feel sick at all. Then when he thinks about he realizes he probably won’t have any choice in the matter, if he gets sick or not. Meg offers Cas a small bottle of liquid. “You can drink it yourselves or I can force it down your throat.” Meg threatens. Cas takes the opened bottle offered to him and chugs it knowing he doesn’t have a choice. He sits in his bed unsure about the bottle’s contents until he starts gagging. Meg moves the steel bowl to Cas’ chest. Cas closes his eyes as his stomach empties itself completely. When he’s finished he looks up he doesn’t just see Meg, Ellen is there too now.

“What the hell happened?” Ellen questions Meg.

“I don’t know I came in here to get his dinner tray and check his vitals he just started throwing up,” Meg says.

Ellen helps Cas wipes his face with tissues and blows his nose. “I’m calling to have the transfer moved to tonight instead of tomorrow. Cas you can’t even keep food down.” Ellen offers.

“Transfer?” Cas says still weak from losing his dinner.

“Oh, honey we need transfer you to children's hospital downtown. We don’t have equipment here to treat you. We don’t have an MRI machine you need to be transferred.” Ellen explains to him.

“Why Children’s?” Cas asks. He really doesn’t want to be back in that wolf’s den. He also knows he’s too old be getting treatment at the children’s hospital.

“Because they have all of your medical history on file. It’s safer than transferring all of your files around.” Ellen says. She pushes Cas hair off his face. “I need to go make some phone calls to get you moved tonight,” Ellen says then she gets up and leaves the room. Leaving Meg alone with Cas again.

“What did you give me?” Cas asks.

Meg chuckles. “Ipecac syrup it’s meant to prevent poisoning by making the person puke their guts out,” Meg says she picks up the bowl of vomit heading to the infirmary door with it. “Alastair's going be so happy when you show up at children’s tonight. You best get all the sleep you can now because I doubt Alastair's letting you keep tonight.” Meg says with a smile on her face as she leaves.

When Cas is alone he just sobs. The doctors took his clothes he doesn’t even have Sam shirt for comfort, he just a stupid hospital gown. He doesn’t have anything. All he can is cry and wait for me moved to the children’s hospital for whatever tests need to be done on him. As well as whatever horrors Alistair has waiting for him.

==============================================

When Sam’s visit with Dean is over and Sam has to retire to his room. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. This feels like when Cas was stuck in QR all over again. Only this time it’s worse. When Cas was in QR he knew Cas was alright. This time he has no idea is safe or what’s happening to him.

A nurse drops off a paper bag next to Sam’s. “All of Cas’ clothes and crap are in there.” The nurse says bitterly.

Sam looks up at her not really sure what to say. “Thank you. Can you tell me any news about him?” Sam questions her.

“He’s not happy about being transferred for testing at Children’s hospital. I guess the poor baby doesn’t like surprise butt sex.” The nurse answers, laughing at her own comment.

Sam is filled with rage. “You’re the nurse that’s working for Alistair!” he shouts in at her, standing up and towering over her.

“Easy there if you lay a hand on me I can make your life hell, and I can sure Alastair makes Cas life worse than you can imagine.” She warns Sam.

Sam wants to hit her he really does. He knows that it does things will only get worse for Cas so he doesn’t he just sits back down and says nothing. He’s left alone after he sits down again.

==================================================

A small team of nurses comes in. One removes his catheter that makes Cas flinch. Not only does it hurt it’s being touched in an area he hates being touched. Another Nurse removes his heart and oxygen monitor. A third nurse helps him off of his bed when a paramedic shows up with a stretcher. That nurse helps him on the stretcher and the paramedic straps him in.  
The ambulance drive isn’t so long, no more than 45 minutes. When he arrives at Children’s hospital Cas is put into a room by himself and hooked back up to a heart and oxygen monitor. Luckily this time he’s speared the catheter. After some time sitting alone and being scared the door to his hospital room is opened and shut. Alastair walks over Cas bedside and sits down next to him.

“Welcome home sweetheart,” Alastair says to him. His voice sickly sweet.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains rape. You have been warned.

Cas looks at Alastair sitting up a bit off the back of his hospital bed only to flop back down without speaking. He closes his eyes shut unwilling to speak or acknowledge the man next sitting next to him. He stays like that for a few seconds then there's a sharp sting across his face. His eyes shoot open and he goes to cup his face wincing at the pain. “I wouldn’t have to hit you if weren’t so disrespectful Cas,” Alastair says.

“I’m sorry I didn’t greet you, Daddy. I still don’t feel very well. It won’t happen again.” Cas says his mind on autopilot. 

Alastair calmly looking over his clipboard with all of Cas’ info on it. “It yes here you had an asthma attack and fainted. Then you had stress induced seizure. It’s been awhile since you’ve had either of those things. Never both in one day. Maybe that hospital isn’t the best place for you to be huh? Maybe you should get put back in the ward here?” Alastair offers Castiel.

Cas knows the right answer. The right answer is yes please, I’d love that, I’ve missed you, Daddy. Cas doesn’t say through all he can think about is Sam. He doesn’t want to be away from Sam. “No Daddy, I like the other hospital. I’ll be fine there.” Cas says. 

The second the words leave his mouth he regrets ever speaking Alastair’s hand's clamps around his throat choking him. Cas gasps for air clawing at Alastair's hand. “You know Cas I like it a lot better when you at least pretend you don’t hate me. I think you that like better too.” Alastair's voice bitter and angry when he says all of this. Cas’ vision goes white.

Castiel throat is finally released he coughs loudly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry please let me do better Daddy.” Cas stumbles over his words. His voice raw and his head still spinning. 

“Your MRI isn’t until the morning and still, it’s still early in the evening. Why don’t you make it up to me now Cas.” Alastair suggests. Cas knows what that means he unzips Alastair pants taking the length resting behind said zipper in his mouth. When finishes that job Alastair leaves him alone for a while. 

Only to come to the room wanting more. The doctor unplugs the wires keeping Cas tethered to his monitors. “Turn around. Get on all fours now.” Alastair's demands. Cas complies knowing fighting back isn’t going to get him anywhere. Cas hears Alastair's pants unzip and closes his eyes tight. Alastair wastes no time grabbing Cas’ sharp hip bones into hands and forcing his way inside of Cas. Cas gets no pleasure from this only pain. He can feel himself tearing open. He’s reminded of what Sam told him about lube, then decides, no he can’t think about Sam not when he’s like this. Cas’ pain doesn’t stop Alastair from reaching around and trying to give Cas a handjob. He gives up when Cas starts wincing and pulling away. He’s still sensitive and sore from his catheter nothing about being touched there feels good. After what feels like a lifetime of pain. Alastair finally pulls out. Hooking Cas back to the monitors after he does this. Alastair tosses an extra blanket to Cas. “That's for any blood try and keep any blood stains on that blanket and not the others,” Alastair says.  
“Yes Daddy I’ll try my best,” Cas says. He places the new blanket under himself when he lays back down. Everything waist down hurts in his body. Cas just wants to sleep. “Daddy can I please have something to put me to sleep.” Castiel tries his best to sound childish and sweet, how Alastair likes him. 

“Sure thing baby,” Alastair says, pulling a small pill bottle from the pocket of his long white coat. He pops the bottle open and puts a pill in Cas' mouth. He doesn’t place it in Cas mouth with his hand no, uses his tongue. Castiel still swallows the pill he doesn’t care anymore he just to sleep so his pain will stop. Alastair keeps kissing him even after the pill is gone. 

When the kiss brakes, Cas knows what to say. “Thank you, Daddy.” He says. Alastair smiles at him after only a few seconds Cas is out cold. 

The next morning Cas is woken up by Alastair gently shaking him. Cas opens his eyes. “Come sweetheart it’s time for your MRI.” Cas climbs out of bed slowly. His body still trying to adjust to being in pain from being raped again. Alastair removes the wires from Cas again and collects the blanket he gave Cas to bleed on. Cas can’t help but frown at the stain in the middle of it. He tore a lot he thinks. That would explain the level of pain he’s in. Alastair leads him by the hand to the MRI room. When they get there. Alastair kisses Cas’ forehead, in a manner that would be very sweet if he hadn’t raped him the night before. “I’ll be right out here for when you’re done okay,” Alastair says his tone the is the tone of a parent speaking to their small child. 

“Okay Sir,” Cas says in response. Cas walks into the MRI room. The MRI doctor is nice to him when the MRI is done he’s back into the hands of Alastair, who leads him back to his room. Castiel climbs back into his bed. His stomach growls when he’s hooked back up to his machines. 

Alastair clearly must have heard Cas stomach growl because he chuckles. “Aw poor baby. It’s okay I’ll get you some warm water that always helps your hunger pains.” Alastair offers him.

“Yes please Daddy,” Cas says. Alastair leaves him alone for a long while after this. 

When he comes back he has a large metal bottle in his hand. “I got held with other patients. There’s your water.” Alastair offers him the large metal bottle.

Castiel opens the bottle sipping the warm water inside it. “Thank you, Daddy,” Cas says.

Alastair kisses him this time on the mouth. The kiss ends with Alastair mostly on top of Cas. When Alastair pulls away he chuckles softly. “Having you here is going to be a big distraction. It always is,” he says climbing off Cas again. “I’ll be back later.” Alastair leaves the room after that. Cas lets out a sigh of relief. He’s happy to be alone. Being alone makes him miss Sam through. He tries not to cry he just focuses on sipping his warm water. He eventually finds the remote to the TV in his room and turns that on. It’s more just noise than anything else. Some reality TV crap Cas couldn’t care less about.

Cas is able to keep time by the guide on the TV. The shows on the channel he’s watching are 30 minutes long. He watched 8 episodes that mean he’s been alone for four hours. Sam is probably having lunch now. He hopes Sam is enjoying his food. Cas’ water has been gone for a while. He pushes the red call button on his bed. A nurse shows up and takes him to relieve himself. When he gets back his room Alastair is sitting there. “I thought it would nice if I spent my lunch break with you.” The Doctor says, to anybody other than Cas, Alastair would seem like the sweetest man alive right now.

Cas gives Alastair a small fake smile. When the nurse that helped him shuts the door, Cas sits down on his bed. “That sounds wonderful Daddy,” Cas says softly. 

Alastair smiles and takes a few cherry tomatoes from his lunch placing them on a napkin in front of Cas. Followed by a small hand of french fries. “There you go eat up,” Cas eats slowly wanting to enjoy every bite. He has an idea how long he’s going be at this hospital or often he’s going to get to eat while he’s there.

Once Cas finishes his food he thanks, Alastair. When Alastair did eating he ends up on top Cas and inside of him again. Cas isn't as sore this time. Maybe he’s just getting used to the pain again? Cas isn’t sure he’s happy when Alastair is finished and he can go back to watching TV and listening to his machines beep. 

Castiel remembers why he tried to kill himself. This, all of this is why. The pain, fear, the sadness the and hunger. He ends up telling himself then he cries a lot. He cries until he falls asleep again. 

===========================================

Sam is completely miserable without Cas. Knowing from Meg that Cas is back at the Children’s hospital doesn’t either. He can’t even imagine what could be happening to Cas. He makes it through his morning by hanging out with Kevin and Crowley, he’s started becoming good friends with the pair. Even if their friendship or possibly more than friendship confuses him. Sam is able to ignore all the horrible stuff Lucifer says about Cas for the most part. 

Kevin and Crowley end up playing a few rounds of UNO with Sam and Sam enjoy that. He knows they’re just trying to keep his mind of Cas but he’s grateful. 

After lunch when Sam sits down for his appointment with Bobby when Bobby asks him how he’s feeling Sam just brakes down. He starts crying, he feels stupid for crying. Sam knows if his Dad were here he’d slap him being such a crybaby. 

“Sam, what’s wrong?” Bobby questions him. 

Sam just shakes head and looks up at Bobby tears running down his face. “Why won’t anyone tell me how Cas is. I’m so worried about him and no one will even tell what happened to him.” Sam says his voice cracking from his crying. 

Bobby sighs, “Cas had an anxiety attack. That triggered his asthma. He had a seizure after what. He’s been transferred to the Children’s Hospital downtown. This hospital doesn’t have the machines needed to treat seizures,” Bobby says.

Sam is left in shock. “A seizure? Oh my god,” Sam says in shock. He wipes his face of his tears. “I hope he’s safe,” Sam follows up with.

Bobby squints and wheels his wheelchair closer to Sam. “Why wouldn’t Cas be safe in a hospital?” Bobby questions. Sam just down and plays with the hem of his shirt. He doesn’t really want to answer that question. “Sam you need to let me know if you know anything. If you’re worried about Cas’ safety you need to tell me why. If you just keep it to yourself I can’t help make sure Cas is safe.” Bobby tells.

Sam tenses up he knows what Alastair could do to Cas this very minute. He decides he can’t hold anything back anymore. He needs to be honest to help Cas be a safe as possible. 

“ Dr. Alastair Damon is a rapist. He’s been hurting Cas,” Sam states. Bobby jaw drops when Sam says this.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Law and Order SVU: SPN edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a Police officer, lawyer, judge or anyone that would work alongside these persons. So if I'm getting some things wrong I'm sorry.

Bobby collected himself from shock from what Sam told him. “Sam, son are you sure what you told me is true?” Bobby questions. 

“Yes, it’s true. Why would I lie about that? I love Cas. I wouldn’t lie about him being hurt.” Sam answers his frustration leaking into his voice. 

“Who told you that Alistair Damon is a rapist?” Bobby asks. 

Sam sighs in frustration. “Not everything I say is me parroting Lucifer. He doesn’t tell me what to say all the time. Cas is the one that told me. I’m not the only that knows either. If you don’t believe me ask Dean.” Sam demands, just wanting Cas to be alright. 

Bobby reaches for the landline on his desk, he makes two phone calls. The first call is to the police to report what Sam’s told him. The second call is to Dean. 

In less than an hour, two cops show up with Dean alongside them. Dean hugs his distressed brother. Sam looks confused, “Dean what are you doing here?” He asks.

“Bobby asked me to come here to be questioned about what happened. Instead, these folks having to deal with Dad.” Dean gestures to the two cops pulling up chairs next to Sam. 

“Hello, I’m Donna this fellow here is Sheriff Rufus. We’re here to help,” The cheerful blonde woman across from Sam. 

“Bobby and I go way back. I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure this Dr. Damon rots in prison for the rest of his life,” The man Sam now knows as Rufus says. 

Sam lets himself relax a little, these new people seem nice. “What made you spill the beans, Sammy? You know Cas isn’t going to react well to this,” Dean asks. 

“Cas is at children's he’s not safe,” Sam answers with.

Sam glances at his brother’s hands. Dean’s hands are curled into fists so tight his knuckles are white. Dean is pissed about something. Sam can only wonder who’s going to go to end up at the other end of his brother’s fist. Sam can’t help but hope it’s Alistair who ends up receiving Dean’s anger. 

“So Sam tells us everything you know,” Donna says pulling a small pen and notepad from her pocket. 

Sam leans back in his chair wanting to collect his thoughts before he speaks. “Cas told me that Alistair has been abusing him for 4 years. I know that other people have been hurt by Alistair, but I don’t know who or how many. You’d have to question Cas about that or get Alistair to confess. I know Alistair unsavory photos of Cas and other underage people stored somewhere. I know Alistair has a nurse at this hospital working for him. Her name is Meg, well at least her ID says her name is Meg. She helped Alistair get into storage closet here so he could hurt Cas in private. ” Sam finishes his statement leaving the room in shock. 

Dean simply points to Sam. “What he said. I can back most of that up. Some of that stuff I didn’t know about but a lot of it I did,” Dean says. 

Donna tucks her notepad away and stands up. Rufus stands shortly after her. After that Meg is promptly handcuffed and shoved into the pack of their police car. Donna announces that Rufus and she are going to the hospital to try and convince Cas to actually press charges against Alistair. 

“I want to come with you,” Sam says. 

Bobby shakes his head. “Sam you can’t leave the grounds of the hospital,” Bobby reminds him. 

Sam frowns unsure how to deal with being forced away with Cas for even longer. Dean decides to speak up. “I can go with them. I know Cas and I aren’t as close as you are him. I still think having a familiar face around will make everything easier on Cas,” Dean offers. All Sam can bring himself to do is a nod in agreement with his brother. Knowing today is going to be very stressful on Cas. Dean hugs his brother goodbye. 

When Dean, Donna, and Rufus leave the room Sam is asked to continue his day as normal. That he’ll get any news Bobby and the other staff members are permitted tell him. So Sam just wanders back to his room. 

Sam arrives in his room frowning at Cas empty bed. Then Sam looks over at his stack of coloring books and the colored pencils still out of order there box from the kiss he shared with Cas on that very desk. Sam has an idea, coloring pictures to offer Cas as a gift whenever he sees him again. 

Sam makes himself useful and starts coloring. “You know your little whore is probably going to hate you after what you just did,” Lucifer says from behind Sam backing his focus on his picture.

“Go away and shut up. I don’t have time for your crap,” Sam answers the figment. Choosing to ignore anything Lucifer says after that. He just wants to focus of his pictures for Cas.

==============================================================

Cas lays in his hospital bed the TV on. Alistair's left him alone for a while he knows it won’t last. Cas is already overdue for the potassium supplement Alistair agreed to give him (In that it all sade off any more seizures to similar problems until his MRI results come back). Cas regrets thinking of Alistair when he hears the door to his room turn. A true speak of the devil moment. 

Alistair walks into his room sitting on his chair before wheeling it over to Cas’ bedside. “Drink this,” Alistair offers Cas a small bottle of liquid. Cas drinks it without hesitation. He knows damn well Alistair isn’t going to poison him. Alistair might be fucked up he’s not into playing with dead things. The worst thing that could happen is the drink ends up making Cas not to feel well. When Cas finishes the small bottle, Alistair plants a kiss on his lips. “Good boy,” Is all he says when he pulls away. 

Cas stares at the bottle still in his hand. “What was that?” Cas asks, knowing there’s 50% chance he’ll be told and a 50% chance he’ll just he’ll just get slapped and told to stop asking questions. 

“That was your medication. It’s a liquid,” Alistair informs him. Then the Doctor reaches across Cas bed taking his remote and turning the TV off. “It’s time for you to pay attention to me sweetheart,” Alistair orders. 

Before Alistair can do anything to Castiel, the doorknob turns. Alistair lets out a hiss of annoyance. “There’s a do not disturb sign posted on the door. Leave me alone with my patient,” He says his annoyance and anger showing in his voice.

“I think we’ll be doing that you sick fuck,” Dean says announcing his presence. Cas sits up in bed staring wide-eyed at Dean and two police officers behind him. He’s filled with complete terror. What the hell is going on? How much to the police know? Who sent them? Before Cas can ask anyone, anything, Alistair turns his chair around only to be punched to the floor by Dean. After Dean gets his one hit in he backs away Alistair. “You said I could get a hit in I did,” Dean says to the blonde woman next to him confusing Cas even more. Alistair is handcuffed and has his rights said him. He’s hauled off the police car outside to join Meg in the backseat. Only Dean and the woman with his comeback to the hospital room. Cas can only guess the older guy that was with them is taking Alistair in for questioning. That’s when Cas really starts to panic. This is all too real, he can’t handle this. 

“Hello, my name’s Donna. We got a report in that Alistair Damon’s been hurting you for some time. Whoever without a statement from you and a rape kit, we can’t the case to trial,” Th woman says. 

Cas just sits on his bed silent he isn’t sure what to say. He looks up at Dean. “Who called the cops?” He questions longing to know who let his secret out. 

“Sammy told Bobby. Bobby called the cops from his office,” Dean answers.

“He wasn’t supposed to say anything. Why couldn’t he just keep quiet,” Cas says sounding hurt.  
“Hey, he did what he had to so he could protect you. You can’t get pissed at him for that,” Dean says. 

“Are going to let us press charges on Alistair?” Donna asks Cas.

Cas nods, he can’t use any words right now. He feels torn and completely broken. Cas still believes no matter he does that Alistair will end up walking free. No men like him never get what they have coming. He decides he can still try to get him locked up. 

Donna takes his nod as a yes. “Okay then lets the rape kit over with first,” Donna suggests. 

That’s when Cas finally brakes. The idea of a stranger touching him completely brakes him. Cas begins crying softly. Dean walks over to the bedside taking Cas’ hand. “Sssh you’re gonna okay,” Dean says letting Cas cling to him. A Doctor comes in and performs a rape kit and photos are taken on how the damage was done to Cas’ body. By the end of all of it Cas’ feels disgusting and humiliated. He’s sobbing into Dean’s arm, Dean just lets him cry. Donna leaves the room giving Cas sometime to calm down before they move forward. 

When Cas finally stops sobbing and is given a chance to collect himself. He looks up at Dean. “I want Sam,” Cas says. 

Dean leans over gently rubbing Cas back trying to comfort him. “I know you do. Sammy wants you too, once everything is done here and you’re well enough to go back to the hospital Sam is in then you’ll get to see him,” Dean assures him. 

After some time of Castiel being calm Donna comes back in to question him. “Sam told me that Alistair has been abusing you for years is that true?” Donna asks.

“Yes he’s been raping me since was 14 years old. It started when I moved in with him when I was that age,” Cas answers. 

“Do you know of any other victims of Alistair?” Donna continues her questions. 

“I know that there are others. I don’t know any names. I’ve seen photos of them, and I know Alistair recently fondled a boy in his sleep after he performed surgery on him,” Castiel says. 

“Where are those photos Cas?” Donna asks. 

Cas tenses up. “Some of them are on his computer. Some of them aren’t. I found a box of polaroids on the bottom of a bookshelf once. It was filled with photos of me, and other boys I didn’t recognize. All the photos were taken in the basement, a lot of them were on the rack when the photos were taken. It’s the only way I’m sure I’m not the only boy he’s brought home,” Castiel says sounding distressed as he speaks.  
“Where are the photos now? What happens in the basement? What’s the rack?” Donna lets off a string of questions. 

“I don’t know where the photos are. Alistair caught me looking at them. He hit me for snooping through his stuff. I didn’t see the box again after that. I’ve only been in the basement three times, all three times were because I fought back hard. All three times I ended up on the rack. I don’t how to describe the rack its big metal thing with straps on it I guess. The straps tie you in place some you can’t move at all,” Cas chokes up. “I don’t want to talk about happens after that please,” Cas finishes what he says. 

“That’s okay Cas, I think that’ll be good enough for now,” Donna tells him with a small but warm smile. 

“Are you sure?” Dean questions. 

“Oh, you betcha. I think we have more than enough information to put Alistair away for a long time,” Donna says before shaking Cas’ hand and Dean’s and leaves the hospital. 

When Dean and Cas are left alone. Cas cries again feeling overwhelmed. Dean comforts him again. By time the Cas in completely stable and calm it’s dinner time. Dean stays to eat with Cas. Cas has felt it’s not just to keep him company, it’s to make sure he eats all of his food and keeps it in his stomach. Castiel thinks that’s an alright concern to have, he isn’t sure if he would eat if anyone is watching. Not after the day, he’s had. 

=======================================================================

Sam sits down for dinner as well. He’s decided to eat with Crowley and Kevin again. He’s really started to enjoy their company. He really hopes Cas will enjoy eating with them too. 

“How are things with you boyfriend Moose? I saw the cops haul that nurse away. Did that have anything to do with Cas?” Crowley questions. 

Sam nods taking a bite of food into his mouth. “It did have to do with Cas,” Sam answers. “Look I don’t want to talk too much about this stuff because Cas’ business, but Cas was being abused and now he’s not because I told Bobby and he called the cops,” Sam states bluntly. 

“Woah,” Kevin says sounding really surprised. “I had no idea,” Kevin adds. 

“Yeah, very few people did,” Sam replies. 

“Well if Cas needs a lawyer I can try and convince my mother to do it. Possibly for free, I’ll try my best,” Crowley offers. 

Sam’s jaw hangs open shocked by the idea of Crowley offering something like that. “Thank you that would be really good for Cas,” Sam says. 

Three keep eating only to be interrupted by Ellen coming up their table. “Bobby told me what’s happening with Cas. Sam, I’m sorry I had him transferred to Children's Hospital. I had no idea that Cas’ abuser was there,” Ellen tells him sounding guilty. 

“It’s okay like you said you didn’t know. Cas wasn’t going to tell you it’s your fault,” Sam tells her. Ellen hugs Sam and before the hospital for the night. Sam just sighs and finishes his food. He’s ready for today to be over with. Sam says goodnight to Crowley and Kevin and heads back to his room. 

Sam finds himself frowning at Cas’ bed again only to end up coloring more pictures. He’s going to have a whole stack of colored pictures to give Cas when he comes back.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Cas are reunited and things get a bit steamy. (Hopefully the steaminess makes up for this being short).

When Sam wakes up he almost forgets Cas is still gone. It’s only when he gets out of bed that it hits him. Looking around the room. He can’t help feeling sad, it’s already Sunday. He’s been without Cas for 4 days. He’s already finished most of the coloring books Dean’s given him, he’ll need to ask Dean for more tomorrow. The only update Sam has gotten about Cas has been a TV news broadcast about Alistair's arrest. Other than that Sam’s heard nothing. 

Sam spends most of his morning in groups or hanging out with Crowley and Kevin. Chuck’s out of QR now and has even joined their land of misfit toys style club. Sam still can’t really tell when it’s Chuck in control or not, but he doesn’t really care. Two Ex Drunks, a Suicidal Teen, and a guy that sees the Devil, surprising friends. 

Just before lunch, the group of friends notices two nurses rushing to the entrance of the ward. Sam and Kevin get up from their seats to follow them. Crowley and Chuck didn’t seem interested. They were too busy talking liquor and their own delusions to care about anything else. When Sam makes it to the corridor leading the entrance to the psych ward he sees Cas strapped to an ambulance stretcher. The nurses are letting Cas free, Cas still hasn’t noticed Sam yet. 

“Hey your boyfriend’s finally back,” Kevin announces. Sam just lets out a weak whimper and nods. Wanting for Cas to notices him or at least to be free from the stretcher so walk over to him without getting in the way. When Cas is untied and sitting up on the stretcher, Sam finally gets a good look at Cas he’s wearing the same pants and shirt he was when Sam saw him last, he looks tired however really tired. Sam walks over and hugs Cas before he can get up. 

Cas hugs Sam back but it’s not a strong hug, there’s very little strength to it, a lot of love but no strength. This fact worries Sam greatly. When Sam pulls away from the hug Cas gives him a small smile, “I missed you. I’m happy to finally be back here,” Cas says. 

“Yeah me too. I really missed you too. Oh, I colored a bunch of pictures for you. Do you want to see them?” Sam questions. Really hoping his concern doesn’t show in his voice. Cas sounds exhausted and hoarse. Cas nods and Sam takes his hand, leaving the stretcher behind them. Cas and Kevin wave to each other as Sam walks him past. 

The couple sits down on Sam’s bed, Cas sat on Sam lap slipping through the coloring books. When he’s finished Cas hugs the books to his chest and smiles, “You’re so nice to me Sam, I’m never going to get used to it,” Cas says closing his eyes. 

“I’d loved coloring stuff for you it kept my mind off of you being gone,” Sam tells him. Sam points to the spot on the bed next to himself, taking the coloring books and setting them safely aside. Cas gets off his lap and sits next to him. Sam sighs wanting to finally address the elephant in the room. Sam runs his index finger along the dark circles under Cas’ eyes. “Cas are you okay?” Sam asks unsure if he’s going to like the answer he gets. That’s all it takes, for Cas to be clinging Sam crying, Completely overwhelmed.  
“I haven’t slept in 3 days. I haven’t been able to since the arrest. All I can think about is that I haven’t done anything good. That he’s going to find a way to get away with everything. When he does he’s going to come after me for ruining his life,” Cas says between his sobs. 

Sam holds Cas closer to his chest. “It’s okay if that happens I’ll keep you safe. Dean will keep you safe. You’ll be safe,” Sam reassures him. 

Jody and Charlie walk into the room. Sam glances over at them, the women look unsure what to do or say. “We can have Benny save you guys some food from lunch,” Jody offers softly before gesturing for Charlie to follow her out. Sam turns his attention back to Cas. 

“We need to go to lunch,” Sam says. Cas shakes his head unwilling to move his head away from Sam’s chest. Sam decides to lay down Cas down on his bed and curl up next to him. It doesn't take long. being held for Cas to fall asleep. Sam sighs freeing his good hand from under Cas and replacing his form with his own teddy bear. Cas hugs the bear to his chest in reflex. Sam leans down to kiss Cas before leaving to sleep so he can go eat.

Sam walks into the cafeteria, everyone is already sitting down and a lot of patients are done eating. Sam heads to the counter to get his meal. Looking for his group of misfit friends to sit with. He finds in a back corner of the cafeteria he sits down to join them. “Is Cas okay?’ Kevin asks.

“I don’t know if he is. He was really upset, then he fell asleep,” Sam answers. The three other men at the table all frown and share worried glances. 

“Maybe he’s just overwhelmed?” Chuck suggests. 

“I hope that’s all that’s wrong,” Sam says. 

Kevin glances at Sam’s cast. “We should all sign that,” Kevin offers to try to lighten the mood.

“I don’t know there would be much point to that. I only have 2 weeks left with it on,” Sam replies. 

“Why keep the cast even after it’s sawed off?” Crowley suggests then pull a pen out his pocket. 

Sam shrugs if it makes everyone happy then fine he’ll let them sign it. He offering his cast to them, using his good hand to eat. Crowley, Kevin, and Chuck all sign the cast. Sam notices Chuck signs the cast as Carver, well that’s one way he can tell who’s in charge. Sam’s friends stay with him until he’s finished eating. 

Then Sam wonders back his and Cas’ room. He sees Cas still fast asleep in on his bed. Jody walks into the room after Sam. “Is he alright?” she asks. 

“He hasn’t slept in three days. I think he’s just exhausted. The best thing we can do is watch him rest,” Sam offers. Jody must have accepted that because leaves him alone after that. 

Sam spends his free time during the rest of the day just watching Cas sleep. He isn’t interested in anything else. 

================================================================

It isn’t until the following day that Cas begins to stir. Sitting up in bed only to find that Sam and himself have ended up trading beds for the night and that he’s caught Sam touching himself. Cas stares like a deer in the headlights of a truck. He can’t bring himself to take his eyes off of Sam. As Cas’ eyes adjust the low light in their room he can see even more of Sam.

Sam stares back at him, “Do you want me to stop?” Sam questions between his soft panting. Cas just shakes his head. No, he doesn’t want Sam to stop he wants to watch him. He watching Sam stroke himself, never taking his eyes off of him. 

After Sam finishes Cas is still staring at him. Cas gets up from Sam’s bed walking over to Sam, kissing him, the kiss is very passionate. When Cas pulls away from the kiss and he sees the stunned look on Sam’s and laughs softly. “You’re cute when you’re shocked,” he says. Sam chuckles softly making Sam smile. “I’m starving do you think they’ll turn the lights on soon?” Cas asks. 

“No it’s only 5 am,” Sam says glancing up at the clock between their beds. 

Cas furrows his brow, “That’s so early,” Cas says. 

“Do you think we should talk about what just happened?” Sam asks. 

“You jerked off while I watched and then I kissed you that’s what just happened,” Cas says bluntly. 

“Yeah it is and that’s awesome. I never thought in a million years that you’d be okay with something like that,” Sam replies. 

“I never said I was okay with touching you, or being touched,” Cas says. It’s true he wouldn’t be okay with that. Being touched by Sam or Sam wanting him to touch him, he isn’t sure if he’d ever been okay with that. 

“It’s a start though,” Sam states. 

Cas frowns, “No it’s not. Just because I’m okay with and turned on by you touching yourself doesn’t mean I want you to touch me and ask me to touch you. That’s not how this is going to work,” Cas says.  
Sam tilts his head and grins, “So you just admitted that watching me turned you on,” Sam says. 

Cas blushes and begins tripping over his words. He isn’t sure what to do. “I didn’t mean to tell you that,” Cas says climbing away from Sam as he says this. 

“Well, we have two hours before the morning staff shows up. What are we going to do?” Sam questions. 

“I want to try having you watch me touch myself,” Cas blurts out without thought. He looks over at Sam unsure of how Sam will react. Sam just throws Cas his tube of lube. Well, that answers everything. 

Cas pulls himself out the jeans he was left to sleep in. Already half hard from watching Sam. He pops the cap off the lube, pouring a small glob of the lube out onto his hand. Stroking himself as Sam watches on eagerly. Soon enough Sam’s joined him as well, they’re both touching themselves across from each other. Their eyes meeting each other’s only to glance back down stare at each other's cocks. 

It doesn’t take long for them to finish. Watching each other definitely helps them finish quicker. Sam’s bedside washcloth ends up soiled by each of them. The couple ends up cuddling is Cas’ bed and kissing. 

“I feel like what was a breakthrough,” Sam says smiling.

Cas just shakes head, “I don’t know if I’d go as far as to call it a breakthrough, but it was really fun and hot”.

“Yeah it was really hot,” Sam replies. Cas just smiles back at him. The couple spends the rest of their morning cuddled in bed after that.


	17. Chapter 17

When the lights in their room finally come on. Cas is the first to climb out of bed. “Don’t look while I change,” he says over his shoulder as he walks over to his wardrobe. 

“Okay well don’t look while I change either then,” Sam replies shrugging as he says this. He isn’t sure why Cas is being so shy. They did just jerk off together a little while ago. All he can guess is it’s just a way a for Cas to keep control. Control is something very important to Cas, and Sam can’t blame him for that. Sam changes in changes his clothes, then announces “I’m finished.” 

After a few more minutes Sam hears Cas answer him, “I’m done too now.”

Sam turns around, seeing Cas back in his oversized sweaters is something he’s going to have to get used to again. He’s going to miss Cas wearing his shirt. “Why do you have so many sweaters?” he asks, he’s not sure why he’s asking, maybe he can make Cas want to wear one of his shirts again. 

“For two reasons, one because I’m always freezing and they’re what Alistair liked on me, therefore, it’s what he brought me,” Cas says his voice waving when he mentions Alistair. “Why do you always wear flannel?” Cas questions. 

Sam had to think for a moment. He never once stopped to think about how Cas probably has very few, if any belongs to his parents. How everything he has probably come from his abuser. “Most of my shirts are shirts that used to be Dean’s, so you can blame him for my flannel. I think you should get new clothes, it’ll be easier for you to move on. The part of your life with Alistair is over now,” Sam suggests. 

“No, It’s not. I still have to testify in court, there’s still a chance he won’t even serve time or that he’ll pay someone to hurt me. Just because meg was arrested doesn't mean he can do that again. I got a reminder of what Alistair is like when I stuck in the hospital with him again. He choked me because I said I liked this hospital better than staying with him. Can you imagine how pissed he’s going to get with the both of us once he finds out we’re dating? Plus if I got rid of everything he’s given me I would barely have anything left. I’d have Misha, pencils Dean gave me, the art you’ve given me and that would all. I can’t get rid of everything I own. I have to just accept it came from the evilest man alive,” Cas rants angry and tearful. 

Sam walks over to Cas and wipes his tears away. “I wasn’t asking you to get rid of everything today, but it’s something to look into long-term if you think it might help move past what happened,” Sam clarifies. Cas just nods understanding Sam better now. 

When Cas looks at the hand that Sam used to wipe his face he looks annoyed. “You let Crowley sign your cast before you asked me to sign it?” Cas says sounding offended. 

“It’s not like that. Kevin and Crowley just kind of insisted I let them sign it. Then Carver wanted to as well,” Sam says.   
Castiel shakes his head, “I’m not letting you get away with not letting me sign your cast,” Cas says walking over to his desk and picking up a black pen. Signing the Cast is a detailed cursive font. The unique name mixed this the font style of Cas’ handwriting gives his signature an old time feel to it. Sam loves this fact it suites Cas. 

“Come on let’s get some food in you,” Sam offers to lead Cas to their freshly unlocked door. Unwilling to stop holding Cas hand even after they line up for food. 

Sam notices Cas has more food than him, he throws a questioning look at Benny. “Ellen said because Cas didn’t get much food while at Children’s Hospital he needs to get extra food,” Benny explains. Sam is taken aback, he really thinks him and Cas should talk about what happened during Cas’ recent time with Alistair. 

Looking back at Cas, he doesn’t look too happy about being singled out being asked to eat extra food. Cas also looks confused when Sam goes to sit with Crowley, Kevin and Chuck, they do usually eat by themselves. “I’ve been eating this these while you’ve been gone. Do you think it would okay if we ate with them still?” Sam questions.

“Yeah, that’s okay,” Cas answers. Sam has to wonder if he’s being honest. 

“Why are you getting more food than the rest of us?” Chuck asks. 

“Because he needs it. If you want to mooch take Kevin’s toast,” Crowley voluntells for Kevin. Chuck snatches up the toast placing it in the pocket of his bathrobe he insists on wearing everywhere. 

“You know you make a real shit boyfriend. Giving away my food for that,” Kevin states. 

Cas spits out his apple juice, “Since when is this a thing?” he questions shocked.

“Yeah that’s been a thing for a while,” Kevin says. Crowley just chuckles. 

“Yes, it has been. He’s just been too ashamed he fell for an old fart to tell anyone until now,” Crowley says. 

“Oh wow I had a feeling you two were together but it it was just a lucky guess,” Sam says. 

“When we all get out of here we should have a double date,” Cas suggests. Kevin and Crowley both nod in agreement. “Speaking of people having different food, why do you have different food than us Chuck?” Cas asks. 

“The stupid angels are keeping the doctors from giving me forks. It wasn’t my plan to steal the other ones. It was that damn whore,” Chuck says taking another bite of his breakfast sandwich.   
“Bela was the ring the leader that makes sense, I never got along with her,” Castiel says bluntly. 

The group of friends finishes their meal Sam and Cas turn down, Crowley’s offer for them to join him and Kevin in one the lounges. Instead, they go back to their room. The second they’re inside the safety of their room Sam decides now should be the time that he addresses what happened while Cas was away. “Benny said you didn’t eat very much is that because Alistair starved you again?”

Cas nods sitting down on his bed. “He barely fed me anything. After the arrest, I was in too much shock to eat on my own. I only ate when Dean showed up and forced me to drink soups,” Cas tells him. 

“Dean got to visit you?” Sam questions. Cas nods. “Did Alistair..” trails off unable to bring himself to finish his statement. 

“I’m not going to break just because you say the word out loud. Yeah, he did, a couple of times. I’m actually on antibiotics because of how bad he tore me. Are you done asking me about my in hell now?” Cas asks, the annoyance of leaking into his voice. 

“I just wanted to help you. I know that’s happened to you I can do best no to trigger you,” Sam says. 

Cas frowns walking over to his desk. “I want to draw now,” Cas states. Sam leaves him alone for a while. 

At some point, Jody comes in and gives Cas a small bottle of liquid and a few pills and some water with them. Sam wants to ask Cas what they are but he doesn’t want to upset him again today. He decides a different approach to asking Cas. He walks over his boyfriend draping his arms around him and nuzzling his into his neck. 

“That tickles what are you trying to do exactly?” Cas asks Sam can hear the smile in his voice. 

“I don’t know I just want to make you feel better after own talk that upset you,” Sam says playing stupid a tad. 

Cas pushes his arm away from his desk and Sam backs away. Cas gets up from his seat and walks over to Sam, “Well it worked,” Cas confirms before hugging Sam. The pair kiss it’s short to the point. 

“What was all that stuff Jody gave you?” Sam finally feels he can ask. 

Cas sighs, “My antibiotic, my potassium, and my seizure medication, I have to take those now and not at times the med counter is open so she has to bring them,” he says softly. Sam is happy that his plan has worked and Cas isn’t mad at him. 

“Do you think that those are going to help?” Sam asks holding Cas around the waist and close to him. 

Cas shrugs, “I don’t know but I hope they will, I don’t want to get sick or have another seizure. I don’t want to leave you again,” Cas says frowning. 

“Hey hey I don’t want you to leave me either. I’m sure the meds will work and you won’t have to,” Sam says. 

 

The couple spends the rest of their morning in and out of groups until lunch comes around. Sam and Cas eat with their friends again. It’s a quite lunch other Crowley making random dirty jokes that embarrass Kevin and only get eye rolls from everyone else. 

Once lunch is over it’s off to the art room, so Cas can paint and Sam can sit on his stool and watch him. It’s always relaxing watching Cas paint. 

After their appointments with Ellen and Bobby, Cas is a complete mess. He refuses to leave their room even for groups. He just lays in his bed hugging his sock monkey. Sam knows Cas must have been asked questions about what happened that upset him greatly. Sam doesn’t want to ask Cas about it he just wants to cuddle him and make it all okay so that’s what he does. 

When Sam sees Ellen in the hallway on his way back the bathroom he waves for her to stop and speak him. “Is this what Cas was like before I came here?” Sam asks before Ellen and even greet him. 

“Yes, it is. This is how Cas was the first week he was here. He’d shut himself in his room and cry. It took 5 days for him to open to me. Even then all he said was he wished the ambulance wasn’t called because the man was hurting would never stop. I didn’t know why he thought until I found out who was hurting him,” Ellen tells him.

Sam swallows, “Do you think this ordeal could make Cas suicidal?” Sam asks. 

Ellen nods and Sam’s heart drops. “Sam if you notice anything you need to tell the staff so we can help him,” Ellen says walking away from Sam. 

Sam simply goes back to his room and curls up next to Cas. he tries his best to cheer Cas up but nothing he does really work. Sam can’t blame Ellen for this Cas was already on edge and getting upset easily before that. This was going happen sooner or later no matter what. It’s better than this breakdown happens now rather than later. Getting everything out while the wound is still fresh is always better so everyone involved. 

Sam spends all of his free time until dinner cuddling Cas. Until dinner, for dinner Sam manages to get Cas to leave the bed and come to eat, he’s happy about that. During dinner, Cas seems to cheer up even if it’s just a little. 

It’s not until after dinner when the couple is waiting for Dean to show up that Sam finally sees the light enter Cas’ face again. Not because of Dean showing up no not at all. Cas has barely spoken to Dean since he’s shown up. It’s when Cas notices a short man with light brown hair at the other end of the cafeteria that he lights up. 

“Gabe!” Cas shouts running to the man and hugging him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this story and like Destiel check out my other story ERROR in My Code. There's only one chapter up right now but I'll add more soon.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is short.

Sam walks over to Cas and the man he’s just rushed over to hug. “Sam is this is my cousin, Gabriel. Gabe this is my boyfriend, Sam,” Castiel introduces the two to each other smiling ear to ear. “Gabe, what are you doing here? How did you find me?” Cas questions frantically. 

“I saw on the news Alistair was arrested. I hunted down the cop from the interview and she told me you were here,” Gabe explains calmly. “If I had known he was like that. Cassie, I would have stopped him a lot sooner,” Gabe says sounding remorseful. 

Cas shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry. You had no way of knowing,” Cas says hugging his cousin closer. 

“We should all sit down so you two catch up properly,” Sam suggests pointing towards the table where Dean is still sitting. 

Cas walks over to the clinging to Gabe the whole over. When the cousins have sat down Sam has questions. “Gabe you said you knew about Alistair?” He questions curious about his answer. 

“Yeah, I did. The last time heard from Cassie he’d just moved in with Alistair. Then he stopped answering my calls,” Gabriel explains sounding quite sad. 

Cas frowns, “Alistair took my phone. When he replaced it he monitored all of my calls. It would have only made things worse if I had called you,” Cas says sounding just as sad as his cousin. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t take you in. After I heard what happened on the news.” Gabe clenches his teeth and looks down. “I’ve never wanted to kill a man more in my entire life,” He says bitterly

“I’m with you here. That sick fuck deserves to die,” Dean says sounding determined 

“Vigilante justice isn’t going to change what I went through and would only you two trigger happy idiots in jail,” Cas says sounding discontented with the conversation. 

“You can’t blame them for being overprotective,” Sam says softly, reaching across the table to stroke the back Cas’ hand. 

“So you’re dating this guy?” Gabe asks Cas, raising an eyebrow and pointing at Sam. 

Cas nods and blushes. Sam can’t help but feel nervous, he never thought he’d ever meet Cas’ family. 

“Is this anything like Alistair?” Gabe asks. Sam can’t help but feel offended by that question, even if Gabriel means well. 

“No, not all. Sam makes me feel safer then I have in my whole life,” Cas says defensive over Sam. 

Gabriel turns to Sam relaxing slightly. “You don’t seem like a bad person. Why are you here? That this hospital,” Gabe says sounding unsure. 

Sam swallows unsure of how to answer. Before he can say anything Dean speaks up for him. “He has psychosis. He sees and hears things that aren’t there. He’s never hurt, anyone. Not of purpose. He’s not dangerous at all. Lucifer is but Sammy hasn’t been listening to him, ” Dean says sternly. 

“Who’s Lucifer?” Gabe questions in confusion.

“That’s what he calls himself, my hallucination,” Sam explains feeling tense.

“Cassie you have terrible taste in men,” Gabe says bluntly. 

Castiel shakes his head looking angry. Sam has never seen Cas angry, it’s actually quite scary. “How dare you say that. Say I was naive to follow Alistair home like a lost puppy dog. I will admit that but Sam is nothing like him. Sam has been nothing but kind and loving to me. Yes, he has problems but so do I,” Cas’ voice is completely level, he never raises it but it’s still filled with rage. 

Sam is felt in complete shock, one time he’s seen Cas angry and it’s in defense of him. Sam feels completely unworthy of that. Dean looks just as shocked as Sam feels. Sam waits with bated breath for Gabriel’s reaction to what Castiel’s said. “If that’s really true then I’ll support your choice to be with him. However, if anything happens to you because of Sam I won’t forgive him,” Gabe states to both members of the couple. 

Dean doesn’t look very that answer. The tension between Dean and Gabriel is thick, it makes the air around the table feel heavy. “You can be sure I’d feel exactly the same if something happened to Sammy because of Cas,” Dean says his voice stern. Sam has left completely in shock again. Cas throws Sam a sympathetic and Sam returns the look. The couple feeling more and more uncomfortable with their relative's actions towards each other. 

When the visitation is over Sam catches Gabriel glaring at Dean when Cas hugs him goodbye. The couple goes to their room Cas sits down of his bed sighs, hugging his sock monkey in his lap. “So they hate each other, and I’m pretty sure Gabe hates you as well,” Cas says sounding exhausted.

“Yeah I’m pretty sure he does too,” Sam says sitting down of his bed and taking his teddy bear into his lap. “I know he’s just trying to look for you, but it still hurts,” Sam says sadly. Sam begins to fidget shaking his leg from anxiety.   
Lucifer stands by Sam, “What’s the matter? Don’t like that someone was finally honest. Telling you that you too fucked up for even that stupid little whore to love you!” The hallucination shouts. Sam covers his ears but that doesn’t make it stop. Not at all, that just makes it louder. Sam forces his eyes shut, trying to ignore Lucifer, quickly failing. 

Sam hears Cas get up from his bed, a few seconds later he feels hands holding the sides of his head. “Sam look at me. Focus on me, don’t think about whatever Lucifer is saying,” Cas told him calmly. When Sam opens his eyes Cas is knelt down in front of him, their faces only a few inches apart. Sam met with the endless ocean that is Castiel's beautiful eyes.

“Okay. I can do that I can focus on you, and you alone,” Sam says softly. Completely ignoring Lucifer’s yelling behind him. 

Cas smiles at Sam, “Good. That’s good,” he says softly. Before planting a kiss on Sam’s lips. “Know that’s a true breakthrough,” Cas says happily with a big smile on his face.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regression and progression.

Cas sits up in bed swinging his feet over the side. He turns his head and sees Sam is already awake and sitting on the edge the twin bed they share. “How long have you been up?” He Cas. 

Sam turns back and looks at Cas,”Oh I didn’t really sleep much,” he says sounding exhausted and rubbing his eyes with his good hand. Cas traces the bags under his boyfriend’s eyes with his fingers.

“Yeah, I can tell. I didn’t keep you up did I?” Cas questions feeling nervous. He doesn’t remember having a nightmare but if he did that could have kept Sam up. Sam shakes his head and looks over an empty corner of his room.

“Lucifer kept you up?” Cas asks very worriedly, his face a concerned mess. Sam nods. “What was he doing? Just yelling?” Cas asks even more worried now. 

“Yelling, throwing firecrackers under the bed and threatening to set the room on fire,” Sam says sounding completely broken. 

“Oh, Sam. You need to talk with Bobby about this. This isn’t good at all,” Cas says the concern shown in his voice. Sam shrugs and the couple gets up for breakfast. Sam looks completely repulsed by his food. He keeps up with everyone conversion but doesn’t eat.

“Why aren’t you eating? Are you on a hunger strike?” Kevin asks sounding confused. 

“No there are maggots in my food,” Sam says like that’s a completely normal thing. 

Cas grabs Sam by the shoulders. “Sam looks at me, please, I’m begging you,” Cas says incredibly frightened. When Sam finally turns and meets eyes with him Castiel begins to speak. “Sam the maggots aren’t real you need to eat. You need food, to live. Trust me I know I tried living without it for years. Please just eat,” Cas pleads. 

“I can’t eat food that’s filled with maggots Cas,” Sam says sounding annoyed. 

“The maggots aren’t real. You know what's going happen if you start refusing food? You’ll end up on bed rest with a feeding tube up your nose. I know because I’ve been there.” Cas says becoming increasingly frustrated. 

“No, I’m not putting food into my body that Lucifer has fucked with,” Sam says bitterly. 

“Lucifer isn’t real either. I’ll prove it to you.” Castiel snaps at Sam taking some of Sam’s scrambled eggs into his hand and preparing to put it in his mouth. 

Sam grabs Cas’ wrist roughly. “You have no idea what he put into that! What the hell wrong with you!” Sam shouts. 

“Let me go!” Cas shouts back sounding panicked. His breath is quick and he can’t get his heart to stop racing. He drops the scrambled egg in his panic and that’s when Sam let’s go on him. Several nurses are crowding around them now. “We’re fine everything's fine!” Cas shouts at them. Desperately wanting everything to be normal again but he knows it’s not going to be. The couple is promptly put in QR until their social workers, and psychiatrists come in for the day.

After a few hours, they are pulled out of the QR rooms and brought to a room that looks like a conference room of some kind. Jody, Charlie, Bobby, and Ellen are sitting at a large oval table in the center of the room. Ellen gestures to the two remaining chairs at the table Cas sits down followed by Sam. “What the hell happened at breakfast?” Bobby questions. 

“Sam got mad at me because I tried to keep him away from forced bed rest,” Cas explains still annoyed by how his morning went. 

“You tried to make me eat maggot filled food that could have been poisoned,” Sam says sounding just as annoyed. 

“There aren’t any maggots in the food here. I can assure you that Benny wouldn’t serve poisoned or maggot filled food,” Charlie calmly trying to reason with Sam. 

“Lucifer put maggots in my food. I saw them,” Sam explains sounding very sure of that. 

All four workers glance amongst themselves for a few seconds before Bobby speaks up. “It sounds like your having a bad episode of your psychosis. We can up your meds, that should help,” Bobby suggests. 

“Tell them about what you told me this morning,” Cas looks at Sam and says. 

“Lucifer kept me up all night. He was yelling he had firecrackers and he kept threatening to light the room on fire,” Sam says exhaustedly. 

“Yes, I think a boost in medication should fix this. however, why did you put your hands on Castiel?” Ellen questions. Cas can’t help see her as a lioness defending her cub. He wishes his own mother were like that. She instead of protecting him from harm, his last memory of her is being slapped in the face and told he’s going rot in hell one day. 

“I was trying to stop him from eating maggot filled scrambled eggs. He should be thanking me,” Sam answers sounding a bit bitter. 

Castiel feels filled with sadness and anger when Sam says that. “You know I hate being grabbed and restained. It gives me anxiety because of Alistair. Because of how he used to hold me down before I learned to stop fighting him. Yet your delusions were more important than that,” Cas snaps back. 

“I was trying to protect you!” Sam yells at Castiel. 

“So was I! I wouldn’t have tried making you eat if I didn’t love you and want you safe!” Cas shouts back. 

“If you wanted me safe why the hell were you asking me to eat poisoned food!?” Sam shouts his question back. 

“Okay clearly you two need some time apart,” Jody says sternly. 

Cas feels his face fall and the blood leaves his head. “Please don’t separate us,” he begs. 

“Yeah we’ll make up it’ll be fine,” Sam says sounding completely in pieces. 

“No, I agree. You two should be kept apart. Least until your new pills kick in,” Bobby explains calmly. 

After that Sam is moved out of the same room as Cas. He’s moved to a vacant room in another men’s hallway. All of his stuff in moved out with him. Cas is left completely without Sam. They aren’t allowed to speak to each other. They can’t be in the same room unless needed and even then they can’t sit near each other. They can’t sit at the same table at lunch, their friends end up divided too. Castiel’s new group is, Kevin and Aaron. While Sam’s group is Chuck and Crowley. The couple does send each other pleading looks during lunch. They both feel terrible about what happened and Sam makes a point of showing Cas he’s eating his food. Cas gives him and a shy smile. 

After lunch when Cas goes for his appointment with Ellen his first thought his to ask for mercy for Sam. Saying how everything that happened was his fault, not Sam’s. Ellen just tells to stop and that she can’t change Bobby's choice for Sam. When Cas calms down Ellen says she has good news. “You’ve been approved for supervised day passes. You have anyone that can supervise them?” She asks. 

Normally Cas dreads his day passes coming because that meant Alistair taking the whole off to spend time at home with him. Now that’s a worry anymore. “My cousin Gabriel. I can call him and just him after this appointment. We started speaking again. He came to visit me yesterday,” Cas explains feeling hopeful 

“Okay, that sounds great. If he’s approved you can have one day pass a week unless you mess up,” Ellen says sounding relaxed and happy for Cas. 

“I can’t wait to tell Sa-......Oh right,” Castiel’s face falls.

“You’ll be okay Cas’. Let's weigh you so I can see my next patient,” Cas gets on the scale once his weigh-in is over with he leaves her office. Going to find Jody so he can call Gabe. He only hopes his number is the same as it was before. Once Castiel has the landline in hand and is sitting comfortably in a chair. He anxiously dials the last number Gabriel had. 

He’s actually surprised when the man picks up the phone. “Hello is there a reason the hospital holding my baby cousin in calling me?” Gabriel asks muffled. 

Cas can’t help but chuckle, “Gabe take that lollipop out of your mouth so you can speak to me properly,” Cas demands playfully. 

“Cassie! Oh, my god, they let you call me!” Gabe yells happily sounding much clearer now. 

“That’s not all. I got approved for supervised day passes,” Cas says sounding proud of himself. 

“I don’t know what means but I’m proud of you,” Gabe responses him. 

“It means that I can leave the ward once a week as long as I have a family member supervising me,” Cas explains happily

“You get to spend one day week out with me?” Gabe questions. 

“Yes, you just need to approve,” Cas explains calmly. 

“Oh what I need for that?” Gabe asks.

“You have to sign paperwork and agree to follow some rules that’s it,” Cas tells him. 

“Okay I can do that,” Gabe says. The cousins share goodbyes and Cas gives Jody her phone back. He wishes he could talk to Sam they never got the chance to make after their fight.

Castiel grows the rest of his day longing for Sam, but that the same time looking forward to a day out with Gabriel.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has his day out with Gabriel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has references to self-harm (Cutting) and Suicide. As well as involuntary domestic violence (It will make sense when you read it). You have been warned.

Castiel stands in front of his painting letting the calming brush strokes sooth his soul. He needs to keep himself from being too hyper and upsetting the nurses. He can’t help but be excited, not is his day out with Gabriel. He’ll be coming soon to pick Cas up. Cas feels a tap on his shoulder he turns around confused, part of him hopes it’s Sam. He didn’t see Sam at breakfast, he isn’t sure why he wasn’t there. Instead of Sam, he finds Kevin behind him. Kevin glances at the doorway before pulling to small cloth pieces from his pocket unfolding them to reveal two individually wrapped pieces of mirror glass. “Where the hell did you get those?” Cas questions trying is the best stay calm a quiet. 

“Crowley found a large makeup compact. Must have fallen out of the one the nurse’s purses. He stomped on the mirror. He’s been selling and trading the mirror glass out of it. He has a whole market going. He’s keeping the biggest piece to make himself a shiv. He gave a piece for free and one to give away. I thought you could use an outlet since you’re being kept away from Sam,” Kevin explains bluntly. 

“Why does Crowley need a prison knife? Half the people in here would be happy if he killed them,” Cas says confused. Kevin just shrugs. 

“Do you want the glass piece?” Kevin asks softly.

Cas debates with himself, he isn’t sure what to do. I’ll just take it so someone else can’t hurt themselves. He lies to himself. Grabbing the cloth and glass, wrapping it back up and shoving it into his pocket his body on autopilot. “Thank you,” he says dryly. Then thinks about this a bit more if sees widen in fear, “Has anyone tried giving a piece of glass to Sam?” Cas asks horrified. 

“I don’t know if anyone has,” Kevin says sounding a bit worried. Cas drops his paintbrush and bolts out of the room searching for a bedroom with Sam’s name on it. 

When he finds the room and sees Sam laying still on the bed he rushes over to Sam. “No Please no,” He begs to shake Sam and checking the man wrist and throat for cuts. Sam quickly stirs and Cas stops, hugging Sam when Sam sits up on the bed. “I thought you were Dead. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I thought you killed yourself,” Cas explains. 

“Why would I that?” Sam questions sounding tired still and hugging Cas back. 

“You weren’t at breakfast and Crowley is dealing broken glass to cutters,” Cas explains stressfully. 

“What the hell is wrong with Crowley. Has he tried giving you any?” Sam asks. 

Cas thinks for a few seconds no Crowley hasn’t, but Kevin has. Sam asked about Crowley, not Kevin. “No, he hasn’t. Why are you still in bed?” Cas questions pulling away from their hug.

Sam yawns and shrugs. “It’s the sedative they keep giving me so I don’t freak out again. Just until my new pills get into my body fully,” Sam says sounding exhausted. “Cas you shouldn’t be in here,” He says frowning. 

“I know I’m leaving soon. I have a day pass to see Gabriel today,” Cas explains clapping his hands in excitement. 

“Oh wow that’s awesome,” Sam says relaxed giving Cas a half smile. Before gently kissing Cas. The couple shares a gentle and quick kiss. “I love you and I’m sorry,” Sam says holding Cas’ hand with his good one. 

“I love you too and I’m sorry too. I miss you so much,” Castiel says sounding sad by the end of it. 

“I know I miss you too. Once I’m well enough we can see each other again. Go before you get caught and lose your right to go out today,” Sam states sounding sad. Cas nods letting go of Sam and leaving his bedroom. Cas makes it to the nurses counter by the entrance, waiting for Gabe is bittersweet.

Castiel can’t help but jump in place when he sees Gabe pass through the final security doors into the ward. Cas runs to him the cousins share and long deep hug. Gabe is promptly passed a tan file folder and Castiel is passed his high tops shoes. He sits down on the floor tying on his shoes with a grin on his face. Shoes, sunshine, trees, the outside world, freedom of true freedom for the first time in 4 years. It’s only for one day but still. Cas stands up and Gabe is being briefed on the file, when to give Cas his meds, what he can and can’t let Cas do, how to keep track of Cas’ food etc. Once Gabe signs the paper saying that yes he understands. He picks up the baggy of meds for the day and file. That’s when Cas and Gabe are led through all the security doors and out into the world. Cas spends a few minutes in the parking lot just looking around. “Where do you want to go first?” Gabe says putting the stuff he’s been given into the car. 

“I want to go to a mall! You don’t need to buy me anything I just want to look around,” Castiel says happily grinning. 

“Okay, a mall it is,” Gabe says happy as well. Cas climbs into the passenger seat, Gabe climbs in after him. When they make to the mall Gabe parks the car, Gabriel takes the meds and his file with him. Cas is completely ecstatic, he’s completely stoked. 

“I get to hang out in a real mall without Alistair watching children in a toy store the whole time,” Cas says cheerfully. 

“That man is disgusting,” Gabe says sounding grossed out he pops a piece on candy in this mouth after he speaks. Cas holds his hand out and Gabe places at a candy into his hand. Cas unwraps the candy shoves them into his mouth. Picking up his pace and going to the mall doors. Cas just stares in awe at all of the stores before going the map. Tapping at the screen until he finds what he’s looking, an art supply store. “That’s where you want to go?” Gabe asks softly. 

“Yes, definitely,” Castiel says excitedly. The cousins make their way to the second level of the building and to the art supply shop. Cas spends some time digging around in different aisles. “I love the smell of oil paints,” he announces happily.

“What about pencils?” Gabe questions looking at the colored pencils. Cas shakes his head. 

“I don’t really need any pencils right now. Sam’s brother brought me a bunch,” Cas says nonchalantly. When Cas looks up from the oil paints he sees the glare on Gabriel’s face. “I know you hate him but he’s really nice,” Cas says frustrated.

“Gifts are one of the most common forms of grooming. Alistair brought you nice things too,” Gabe says sternly. 

“I haven’t had to call Dean, Daddy or suck him off to get basic human needs like food and clothes. Dean’s a good person,” Cas explains getting annoyed at his cousin. 

“Fine I’ll back off,” Gabriel says still annoyed. “Do you want me to buy you the oil paints?” Gabriel says calmer. 

“If you don’t mind doing that,” Castiel says also having calmed down. Gabriel picks up the package of oil paints. Cas continues looking around for a while before the group heads to the checkout counter. Gabe happily pays for the package of oil paints. Cas is grinning ear to ear when he’s handed the bag with the paints inside, hugging the bag his chest. “Thank you so much, Gabe,” He says lovingly. 

“It’s fine,” Gabe says softly. 

The cousins spend the rest on the morning window shopping. When lunch comes around Cas quickly becomes overwhelmed at the idea of being able to pick his own food. “I can order whatever I want I don’t have to think about what Alistair wants me to eat. I don’t know what to pick,” Castiel explains sounding nervous. 

“Well according to the file you have to eat at least one fear food everytime you eat,” Gabe says calmly hoping that will narrow down the options. 

“Everything here is deep fried, GMO filled proceeded crap. It’s all fear food for me,” Cas says bluntly. He looks around the food court. “I want a Cheeseburger combo meal from Burger King,” Cas says calmly. 

“Alright, I can get you that,” Gabe tells him. Pulling his wallet out and walking to the Burger King counter. Cas finds a booth and sits waiting for his cousin to return. When Gabriel does return he has Cas’ meal and one for his own. They eat together and Cas is given his pills and potassium. Gabe fills out his paperwork involving Cas. 

After they finish eating Cas announces he wants to go hang out at the park with Gabe. So back into the car they go. Driving to the nearest park and getting the relatives to climb out of the car. They walk around, looking at ducks talking etc. This goes on for hours they are laughing and chatting. Eventually, they head back to the mall to have dinner at the food. 

“You have to get something different then you got for lunch,” Gabriel announces calmly. 

“Why?” Cas asks confused. 

“Because the workers need to make sure you are processing and not just eating the same thing all the time,” Gabriel answers. 

Cas sighs. He actually likes Burger King. Fine, he’ll think of something else he thinks looking around he finds a pizzeria in the corner. “There. I’ll have pizza. Plain cheese please,” Castiel calmly announces. With that Gabe walks over to order their pizza slices. The two sit down to eat together. “Wish Sam and me were allowed to talk to each other. I wish I could tell him about how nice my day was,” Cas says softly sighing and taking a bite of his pizza slice. 

“Yay aren’t you two allowed to speak to each other?” Gabe asks sounding worried. 

“He had a psychotic breakdown it was deemed unsafe for us to be around each other,” Castiel says quietly knowing Gabe is going to hate this.

“What did he do to you?” Gabriel asks sternly. 

Castiel swallows. “He thought he saw maggots in his food. I tried to reason with him. He freaked out and grabbed my wrist. I had a panic attack because of Alistair. The staff at the hospital think it’s unsafe for us to be around each other,” Castiel explains quietly. 

“I told you he was dangerous,” Gabe says shaking his head. 

“He’s just sick. Things will be back to normal once the meds kick in again. He’s not any different then my it’s not his fault,” Cas says sounding both sad and annoyed he continues eating after he speaks. 

“If he hurts you I having you moved to a different hospital,” Gabriel threatens, before taking a long sip of his soda.  
“Sam would never hurt me,” Castiel says defensively. The pair has finished eating and Gabe has filled out the rest of his paperwork they get up to head back to the hospital. 

Once in the car, Gabe looks over at Cas, “Are you ready to go back?” He asks calmly. 

“Not really,” Cas answers softly and frowning. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Gabriel says calmly. 

When they pull up to the hospital they both go inside. Passing through all the security doors and heading the nurse's desk. Cas sits down on the floor again to take his shoes off, passing them to the nurse behind the counter. Gabe hands the nurse Cas’ file and nurse flips through it, making sure everything is in order. “Okay great job filling out the paperwork. Any new items to declare?” The nurse asks. 

Cas holds up his bag of oil paints. “I have these. I’m guessing I’m not allowed to keep these in my room,” Cas declares calmly. The nurse nods and Cas passes the bag over to the nurse, “I’m allowed to have when I paint?” Castiel asks sounding hopeful. The nurse nods again and Cas grins. Gabe and Cas hug goodbye and Cas watches his older cousin leave and he sighs. He begins to walk back to his room. He stops looking around, the halls are mostly empty everyone is probably relaxing in their rooms. He decides he’s going to push his luck and try to see Sam. Cas finds Sam asleep in his bed it’s a restless disturbed sleep, Sam is having a nightmare. Cas rushes over to his bedside trying to comfort him. “Sam it’s okay. You’ll be okay,” Cas says kneeling next to the bed. When he begins touching Sam gently trying to sooth. Sam panics in his sleep swinging his arm and backhanding Cas in his sleep. Cas falls back on the floor, holding his face, silent tears seeping from his eyes. He wipes his face. It’s the pain that gets to him, Alistair's done worse, hell his parents did worse to him. What upsets Cas is the fact Sam may just destroy any chance of them being together. He picks himself but off of the floor heading back his own room. He knows he’s going to bruise he can’t ask for an ice pack without outing that Sam hit him. When it’s time for Cas’ shower he puts the shower cold in hopes that will compact any swelling on his face. This action ends up turning his hands and feet blue and he shivers uncontrollably. He has to get out of the shower and try off because he knows he stands in the freezing water any longer he’s going to pass out. He dries off and heads back to his bedroom. The piece of mirror glass nested in the pocket of his jeans calls to him. “Fuck it,” Cas mutters out loud pulling the glass from his pocket. He’s going make good use on this gift.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Cas get caught

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short again. It's 80+ degrees where I live. I have no energy.

Sam is woken up by a nurse for breakfast. He sits up in his bed trying to collect his thoughts, looking around his room. He frowns at the empty bed next to him, no clue when he’ll be able to have Cas sleep next to him again. He ignores Lucifer has he gets up to go eat, the sedatives making thinking really hard when he first wakes up. His thoughts aren’t nearly as clear or quick as they normally would be however Sam still manages to notice Cas stumbling around the cafeteria. A bruise on his face and walking uncomfortable. Sam rushes over to Cas startling the poor young man. “I didn’t mean to scare you. What happened? Did Gabe hurt you?” Sam questions frantically. Cas shakes his head.

“Gabe would never hurt me. I tripped and fell while I was out,” Cas says speaking softly and sounding nervous. Sam sees trial down Cas his eyes go wide when he notices blood leaking the fabric of Cas’ pants, near his upper thigh. 

“You should have a nurse look at that,” Sam says sternly, pointing the area. 

Cas looks down in shock, “Shit,” He says sounding shocked and making a beeline for one the washrooms. 

Sam watches him leave in, he sure what to do. If he goes after Cas he could get them both in terrible. It’s best if just gets his food and sits down, so that’s he does. He hopes Cas will be okay. Sam spends most of his breakfast just poking at his food, something about it makes him not trust it. He decides instead to just talk with his friends, he still has a bone to pick with Crowley but he’s not stupid enough to say anything out in the open. He looks over at Cas’ table, sees Cas is eating his food at least. He still has no idea if Cas ever to the nurse to have his injury bandaged. 

Sam makes it through most of his morning before he gets a chance to talk to Crowley. He’s in a lounge with Crowley and Kevin. Kevin sitting on the floor in front of Crowley more interested in reading then watches on the tv. “Cas told you’ve been offering the broken glass to cutters. Why would you do that?” Sam asks annoyed. 

“Because there was an opening the market,” Crowley says shrugging off Sam’s annoyance.

“There are people in this hospital because they tried you kill themselves and you think it’s okay encourage their behavior? What the hell is wrong with you?” Sam berates the man.

“It’s not that big of a deal, Moose. I’m just giving being an outlet,” Crowley says getting equally annoyed. 

Kevin looks up from this book. “Is this conversation happening because I gave Cas my freebie piece of glass?” he asks genuinely sounding curious. 

Sam looks wide-eyed at Kevin. Trying to piece together his thoughts. The Blood. The blood on Cas’ jeans wasn’t from him falling if he even fell at all. He gets up the couch and walking quickly the room he used to share. 

“Where is it?!” He shouts making Cas jump. 

Cas looks up from his paper he was drawing on. “Where is what? What are you looking for?” Cas asks sounding a bit fearful. 

“The piece of glass you used to cut yourself with!” Sam shouts. 

“Hush. The staff will hear you,” Cas says sternly, before pushing his chair out and getting up. He walks over this deodorant pulling it apart. Revealing in the open cavity a sharp piece of mirror glass. Sam takes the glass from the container. “Are you going to turn me into the staff?” Castiel questions nervously. 

Sam thinks a few seconds he doesn’t want Cas punished. “No, I’m going to flush this down the toilet so no one else can be hurt. Let me see your cuts I want to make sure you’re okay,” Sam says calmly. 

Cas sits down on his bed and frowns. “I don’t want to take my pants off in front of you,” Cas tells him.

“Cas I’ve seen you jerk off. You can keep your boxers on. I’ve seen you completely naked,” Sam says softly trying to calm his boyfriend. He kneels down in front of Cas taking one of his hands into his good hand. “I just want to make sure you’re going to be okay,” He explains calmly. 

Castiel sighs and undoes his fly. Pulling his pants down gingerly from his spot on the bed. Sam is horrified by what he sees. Amongst the old and faded scars are a dozen fresh ones. A few shallow, but most of them very deep. One of them most certainly should be given stitches, it’s too wide to eve close up on its own. “Cas you need stitches,” Sam says calmly tracing his hand over the cuts. 

“No,” Cas says sounding really scared. 

“If I had the materials I could do it myself, but I don’t so you need to tell the nurses what you did,” Sam tells him sternly. 

Castiel shakes his head, frowning and on the verge of tears. “No, I’ll be okay. Please don’t make me,” Cas begs. 

That’s when the door the room opens and Jody wants in with Charlie. Seeing Sam kneeled on the floor with a piece of glass resting on his lap. While Cas is in tears and has open wounds on his thigh. This doesn’t look very good at all. “What the hell is going on in here?” Jody asks sounding angry and frustrated. Both boys turn to her in shock. 

“Sam did really think you wouldn’t be caught coming in here?” Charlie asks. Sam just nods weakly. Yeah, he did think he’d get away with it. Just wants to help Cas. 

“Was he hurting you?” Jody asks. Cas shakes his head. “Cas you don’t have to protect any that’s hurt you,” Jody tells him calmly. Cas stands up pulling his pants back up not liking these two women are seeing him without his pants on.

“No, I hurt myself. Sam was trying to make sure I’m okay,” Castiel says weakly, knowing he’s going to get in trouble. “I’m not seeing Gabe for visitation today am I?” Castiel asks just as weakly. Jody shakes her and Cas sighs. 

Charlie takes the glass for Sam. Cas is taking the infirmary to have his wounds looked. 

==============================================================

Castiel sits on his medical having his cuts cleaned and dressed, getting stitches in the deeper cut. Ellen comes in and hugs him. “Cas what were you thinking hurting yourself like this?” She questions gently.

“I felt empty and numb. I wanted to feel something,” Cas answers softly. 

“By the way, I talk to your cousin. He said you never fell while out with him. How’d get this bruise? Did he hit you?” Ellen questions. Cas shakes his head. “Did Sam hurt you?” Ellen asks. 

Cas stills and swallows wide-eyed. “No,” He says dryly. 

“Are you sure?” Ellen asks him calmly.

Cas just starts crying can’t take this anymore. Ellen tries to comfort him but it hasn’t seemed to help him. “Sam did hurt me. He hit me but it wasn’t his fault. He hit me in his sleep,” Cas says around his sobs. “I was just trying to comfort him. Please don’t tell Gabe,” Cas adds on softly. 

“Why do you not want me to tell your cousin?” Ellen asks. 

“Because he’ll make me move hospitals. I love Sam I can’t be away from him,” Cas explains sniffling. 

“I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you aren’t moved. I don’t think it would be helpful for you. You do know I still have filed a report saying that Sam hit you right?” Ellen asks him. Cas nods. “And you still need to spend time in QR until we can make sure you’re not a danger to yourself. Sam’s going into QR as well. Because he hurt you,” Ellen explains calmly. Both Sam and Cas are put into QR after that.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam makes a deal and Cas preps for his time in court.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My knowledge of court proceedings comes from law and order SVU. If I get anything wrong I'm sorry.

Sam off lucky he was held in QR overnight because hitting Cas was deemed not completely his fault. He wasn’t conscious, however, that doesn’t stop his guilt. The staff decides Sam is safe enough have his own room back because he’s barely seeing Lucifer. That only makes things worse. Seeing Cas’ empty desk, his drawing, and pencils where he left them. His bed neatly made, his sock monkey sitting on the bed. Sam walks over and picks the sock monkey up hugging it to his chest. It’s the closest thing he’ll get to Cas for a while. Cas hurting himself is going to keep them apart for a while. He sits down on his bed hugging the sock monkey close, it’s only then that all of Sam’s emotions overcome him. He sobs into the plush animal telling all of his fear, and guilt and self-loathing consuming him. After some time of letting his emotions out Sam is left feeling empty, he lays back on his bed keeping his eyes closed the whole time never letting go of the sock monkey. All he can think about is how sick he is and how he’s not just a danger to himself anymore he’s a danger to Cas now too. 

Sam barely manages to collect himself in time for lunch. He knows he looks exhausted because he feels exhausted, and there's no way his eyes aren't red and puffy all of the crying he's done. Sam doesn't care as long as no one makes him talk about why that is. Heb doesn’t want to sit by himself for he ends up sitting with Crowley and Kevin since those two always seem to be around. Sam is still not happy with Kevin for giving Cas the glass and still not okay with Crowley dealing glass but he’s just happy Cas can’t hurt himself anymore. It’s not his place to rat on them, he needs to just worry about himself and Castiel. “I would have never Cas that glass if I thought he’d hurt himself bad enough to need stitches I never wanted that to happen. I just wanted to give him something he could use you relax since he didn’t have you. Because I being going completely crazy if I were being kept from Crowley,” Kevin explains speaking softly enough to not alert any nurses.

“Frankly I’d probably fair even worse with being kept away from you,” Crowley says looking at Kevin. 

Sam feels even more annoyed with now. “You’re dating a cutter. How the hell are you okay with giving glass out to them? What if Kevin ends up like Cas?” Sam questions his annoyance showing in his struggling to keep his voice down. 

“That won’t happen because I have a deal with one of the nurses. She doesn’t ask questions when I ask for a first aid kit. It’s how quickly people seem to drop their special little moral code when you can blackmail them,” Crowley says the grin on his face never fading.

Sam shakes his head, “A Cas’ cousin think Cas has a bad taste in men,” Sam says partly detecting it to Kevin. “Okay you know what I want in on this,” Sam says before he has a chance to really think about what he’s getting himself into. 

“You want to work for me?” Crowley asks. Sam nods. 

“I want you and your people to keep Cas out your business understand?” Sam asks. Wanting only for Cas to be safe. 

“Okay Moose you’re in and I’ll keep my men away from your little angel. By what means to you won't be paid in?” Crowley questions sounding all too happy to have Sam on board. 

“I don’t have any interest in contraband I want to be made in cash,” Sam clarifies. 

“Fine I’ll pay you in cash,” Crowley tells him. 

When Sam finishes his meal he looks up and sees Cas being walked down the hall past the cafeteria. His hands being held behind his back with plain leather cuffs. Sam get up from his chair rushing over to Cas. “Where are they taking you?” Sam asks fanatic. 

“Relax I just have of meeting with my lawyer,” Cas says his voice calm. Sam, however, can tell Cas isn’t okay. He’s wreck and it hiding to make Sam not worry. That just makes Sam more worried. 

“Why are you handcuffed?” Sam questions trying not to let his worry show in his voice. 

Cas looks at the floor. “I clawed at my wounds until my stitches tore,” Cas says sounding so ashamed. Refusing to look up at Cas. It’s then that a red-haired woman in a green dress walks up to Cas. 

“Shall we start now. I don’t have all day,” The woman says to Cas. Who just nods without looking up.

“Mother!” Someone shouts from cafeteria getting Sam’s attention as well as the woman’s. Even Castiel looks up to see who yelled. Crowley is quickly walking over to them. “You decided you take his case then?” Crowley questions. 

“I could never pass up a chance to finally beat Abaddon Damon in court. That enough is payment for me. Now Fergus runs along I’m with a client now,” The woman tells Crowley. 

“You’re real name is Fergus?” Sam asks. Making Crowley give his mother an annoyed glare.

“Is it that what you’re really choosing focus on? Crowley being dead named by his mother. I just found out Alistair is having his sister represent him in court. His younger sister that’s just as sadistic and crazy as him. Oh and I’m about to briefed and questioned for my time on the witness stand. Preparing for describing my four years in hell in front of a courtroom full of strangers,” Cas says annoyed. A nurse comes by and unlocks the room Cas must be having his meeting in. Cas follows the red-haired woman into the room before Sam can defend himself. 

“I just fucked up didn’t I?” Sam asks before sighing. 

“Yeah, you did Moose. Cas is pissed. Also just so you know if you ever call me Fergus our deal is over. Got it,” Crowley threatens.

Sam just nods he can’t bring his mind to form words.

==============================================================

Cas sits down across from woman meant to be his lawyer. “My name is Rowena Macleod and I’m going to win you this case,” The woman finally introduces herself. 

“I’m Castiel Novak but you already knew that. You can’t promise you’re going to win this for me,” Cas tells her trying to stay calm despite how nervous he is.

“Nonsense,” Rowena says opening her purse and pulling out files. “It’s going to hard I can reassure you. Now I do have informed you that Dr. Damon is trying to counter sue you. He’s trying to get you charged with slander. He’s still doing firm that he’s done nothing wrong,” she explains calmly.

“How can he claim that. What about all the photos on his computer? The polaroids of children in his basement? The rack room? All the damage he’s done to my body?” Cas asks ranting. 

“The polaroids are out because the police weren’t able to find them. There’s no proof. The rack room in the basement is out too. Having a BDSM room in your house isn’t a crime. As the contents of his computer. He’s saying all of those were medical photos. He’s also saying all of your wounds were either self-inflicted,” Rowena explains. 

“What about my rape kit he can’t say I did that to myself?” Castiel questions frustrated with all of this. He wants to just get up from his chair and go with Sam, he knows he can’t though and he hates that feeling. 

“He’s saying you consented to have sex with him,” Rowena explains. 

That’s the thing that finally pulls Cas over the edge. He starts crying and he can’t make it. “I want Sam,” He says barely managing to speak. 

“I thought you were angry with Sam?” His lawyer asks sounding confused. 

“I am angry with him but this whole situation is bullshit! Alistair can’t run around saying I consented! I’m still shitting blood for fuck sakes!” Cas shouts incredibly overwhelmed. 

“I know what he’s saying isn’t true. That’s why need to work on what you’re to say in court so you can make sure everyone else knows Dr. Damon is in the wrong. That he’s an evil rapist,” Rowena says calmly. 

Cas spends some time trying to pull himself together. When he finally feels leveled enough to continue. “Okay I’m ready,” He says. 

========================================================================

After Sam meets with Bobby he spends some time with Crowley trying to find his place in this operation. Working out what his job and place in the group. During this meeting takes place in the lounge nearest to the cafeteria. At one point during the meeting, Sam looks at sees Cas being led back his QR room and bolts for him. Cas looks exhausted and terrible. “What happened in there?” Sam questions reaching out and trying to touch Cas shoulder only have Cas flinch away. 

“Alistair is to say I consented. That our relationship was completely two-sided,” Cas says. Was expecting Cas to sound sad but no he sounds pissed off. That’s honestly a relief to Sam it means Cas is getting his fight back in him.

“Well you’ll prove him wrong,” Sam reassures. Cas nods before being led away. 

Sam goes back to sit down in the lounge. “He’ll be okay,” Sam says unsure who’s saying it too. 

“Your first job is to keep this safe until it’s needed,” Crowley explains tosses and what looks like a bundle of cloth to Sam. Sam isn’t stupid he knows it’s more than cloth. 

“What’s in this?” Sam questions. 

Crowley his head, “That’s above your pay grade Moose,” Crowley tells him. 

Sam sighs, he’s doing this for Cas he needs to remember that. When the meeting is over Sam looks away to hide the cloth bundle in his room. He decides on his underwear drawer. It’s classic for hiding stuff but he doubts a nurse would dump the whole drawer to look through it. Sam knows Cas isn’t going to be proud of him but he’ll have to accept that Sam is doing this for him. He looks over at Cas empty bed, “You’ll thank me,” He says out loud. Taking some the pencils from Cas’ coloring more for Cas will keep his mind off the fact that he’s hiding a bundle of who knows what for Crowley.

=====================================================

While all of this happening for Sam and Cas, Gabriel is busy on the phone with Ellen determined to get Castiel well away from Sam Winchester. “How can you defend the actions of a dangerous schizophrenic?” Gabe questions shouting over the phone.

“First of all Sam isn’t schizophrenic. He has psychosis, not schizophrenia, there’s a difference. Second of all, hitting Cas while a unconscious is not something he can be blamed for. Cas shouldn’t have been in the room with him,” Ellen explains her patience wearing thin the man on the phone.  
“So you admit that Sam Winchester is psychotic and a danger to Cassie,” Gabe says sternly.

“I don’t think it would be a good idea for Castiel to move hospitals. He’s codependent with Sam. I think keeping them away from each other is only going to make them both worse,” Ellen tells him. 

“That’s actually why they should be kept apart they’re codependent it’s not healthy. You have two see that. I’m filing an appeal to Cassie moved to a different hospital,” Gabe says before hanging up the phone. 

Gabriel tosses his phone to the side of his couch. Shaking his head and putting a lollipop in his mouth. He walks over his next to submit the request papers needed to ask that Cas be transferred. He can only hope the person viewing his appeal is more rational than this Ellen Harvelle woman he spoke to on phone. 

He’s going to get his baby cousin away from that Sam Winchester, no matter what it takes.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback Chapter for Castiel and Alistair meeting. Sorry for Sam lovers he's not in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I fell down the stairs but now I feel better so here finally is a new chapter. This chapter contains child grooming and implied rape. This is your warning.

Castiel lays in his bed in his QR curled into a ball on his, hugging his knees his chest. Cement walls and thin foam mat on a metal frame bolted to the floor. That’s all he has to focus on unless a nurse is bringing home. All he can think about is how much he wants to be near Sam and how much he’s dreading having to speak out against Alistair in front a court of people. Even though Alistair is the one trial that’s not Cas feels. He’s the one that has to prove what Alistair did to him. Cas thinks back to the path that led him here. Back to the day he entered a wolf den and didn’t even know it. 

======================= Four years ago=============================

 

Open his sees the first thing Castiel see is white and bright lights. His first thought is that is plan worked it actually worked. Then looking around the room he realizes he’s in a hospital bed. Machines beeping behind him and an IV drip stuck in his hand. His plan could have worked but by some horrible cruel misfortune someone’s deemed him worth saving. Within seconds Cas feels sobs filling his body and overflowing. His throat already hurts so much and the sobbing really isn’t helping. 

“You’re finally awake. You took a lot of those pills, I would know I’m the one that bumped them out of your stomach. You’re lucky that woman called 911 when she did. If she had waited any longer your liver may have started to shut down,” A strong says standing next to him says softly and sweetly. 

“Fuck off! You should have let me die!” Cas yells back without even looking up at the man next to him. 

“I couldn’t let you die. It’s my job to save lives not let them be destroyed. Look, kid, I can tell you’ve been sad for a long time. I saw the scars on your thighs, but Killing yourself isn’t the answer. Do have someone at home you can talk to about it?” The voice asks softly. Cas feels the bed dip and he knows whoever is talking to him has sat down. 

When Cas finally brings himself to look up to meet eyes with the man in front of him. He suddenly feels very flustered the man’s appearance and looks down again. “I haven’t had a home for a while,” Cas says chewing the inside of his lip and feeling nervous now. Not only is his doctor attractive he’s also scared the doctor will make his parents take him back. 

“When did you run away from home?” The doctor asks keeping voice low. Cas isn’t sure if this is meant to keep him calm or not and he’s really not sure it’s working. Cas shakes his head. 

“I didn’t run away. My parents made me leave, ”Cas says before he looks up again forcing himself to meet eyes with the man in front of him. “Please don’t force them to take me back. It isn’t going to end well they hate me,” Cas pleads with the doctor. 

“Let’s just start your name I can’t even contact your parents if I don’t know your name,” The Doctor suggests. 

“My name is Castiel, I’m 14 years old, My birthday is September 18th, and My parents are Reverend James Novak and Amelia Novak,” he rattles off on autopilot. There’s no point in hiding who he is the hospital will find out eventually. 

“Okay that’s actually really helpful, Thank you Castiel,” The Doctor says writing down the information. “I’m Dr. Alistair Damon by the way but you can call me Alistair. Not Dr.Alistair just Alistair. I want us to be on first name bases with each other,” Alistair says calmly looking back up from his clipboard. 

“You can call me Cas then if you want,” he says shrugging. The only adult that’s ever let him call them just by their first name is Gabriel. Not that he really counts as an adult. Cas can’t help but feel special that this doctor is letting him call him by his first name. 

“Well, Cas I’m going to get back to work. I am going to call your parents because I have to but if I’m honest I don’t think you should go back home with them and if you’re honest with me maybe I can make sure you don’t,” Doctor says his voice even softer than before reaching out, taking Castiel’s hand into his own and stroking the back on it. “I think things could go a lot smoother if you are one hundred percent honest with Cassie,” Alistair says with a smile across his face. 

Cas finds himself flushing, he truly feels overwhelmed by the way this man is acting. There’s no way a handsome doctor like this would ever be interested in a stupid kid like him. That happens not to someone like Cas. Castiel gets so flustered he almost forgets to correct Alistair on calling him Cassie, no completely though. “Please don’t call me Cassie, only my big cousin Gabe is allowed to call me that,” Castiel weakly barely having the courage to get the words out.

“Okay that’s fine I won’t call you Cassie,” The Doctor says sounding a bit annoyed. Castiel fears he’s angered the man, and so soon after he’s shown interest in Cas too. The man seems to calm himself quickly though. “Will you still be honest with me?” Alistair asks his voice soft again. 

Castiel with relief, he’s glad that Alistair moved on from his annoyance quickly. “Yes I will still be honest with you,” Cas says trying to match Alistair's softness of voice. 

“Why did your parents kick you out? You’re only 14 they can’t really assume that you managed on your own,” Alistair questions stroking Cas’ hand as he speaks.

Castiel sighs again. He really doesn’t want to talk about this. “Because I’m a hellbound disgusting sinner,” Castiel finally gets out his mouth feeling tears already spilling over from his eyes. 

Alistair reaches over wipes the young teenager’s teens away, “Why on earth would your parents say something like that too you?” he asks. 

“Because I’m gay,” Castiel says nervously, the last time he told someone it didn’t end well for him. 

The Doctor’s smile grows even wider upon hearing that. “I don’t think you’re hellbound or a sinner because of that,” Alistair says still smiling. 

“You don’t?” Castiel questions unsure. 

“Of course I don’t Cas. I’ll you in on a little secret,” Alistair says before leaning in and whispering into Castiel’s ear, “I’m gay too”. 

Castiel finds himself blushing even more after that. “Oh okay wow,” Cas says stumbling over his words.

“I really should get back to work now. I’ll see you later Cas,” Alistair says getting up from the bed. 

“Wait before you leave can I please have my backpack. It has all my stuff in it. If you can’t bring my whole can I at least have my phone, my, sketchbook and my sock monkey doll please?” Castiel questions wide-eyed, still in shock from finding out Alistair is gay. 

“Okay I’ll have a nurse bring your stuff up,” Alistair says his voice actually a bit happy. 

Castiel watching Alistair leave the room. He curls up in his bed the best he can with all the wires in his way and turns the tv on. He looks forward to seeing his doctor again. Nurses come and go checking machines and one comes in and gives him water and sandwich only to check his chart at the foot of the bed and remove the sandwich. Castiel frowns but guesses there must be of reason took it away he’s getting hungry though. So it’s annoying having food taken away from him. After what feels like a million years he finally sees his good doctor again. 

“Hello sweetheart,” Alistair says sweetly from the doorway. Castiel seeing Alistair and that he has things he asked for in his arms. 

The doctor passes Castiel his sock monkey. Cas quickly hugs the plush to his chest. “Misha!” He exclaims. 

“Is that your sock monkey’s name?” Alistair questions in a tone that someone would address a small child rather than a teenager. Castiel grins and nods. “What a cute name,” Alistair says with a smile. Alistair sets the phone, charger, and Cas’ sketchbook and a pencil down on the bed. “I’m trusting you not hurt yourself with that pencil if you do I’m taking it away,” The doctor says sternly. Castiel nods. 

“I won’t hurt myself with the pencil. Do you think I could have some food?” Castiel asks.

Alistair smiles pulling a container of watermelon cubes from his pocket. “I got this for you,” He says softly passes Castiel the container. Cas happily opens it places and a piece into his mouth. 

“Thank you,” Castiel says enjoying his fruit. 

“I tried to call your parents they didn’t answer. I’m going to call them again tomorrow,” Alistair says softly. Reaching over and running his hand through Castiel’s hair. 

“I don’t think my parents are going to answer,” Castiel explains frowning before distracting himself with more of the melon cubes. Leaning into the touch of the hand in his hair. 

After that Alistair leaves him alone for the rest of the day. Castiel keeps himself busy keeping his mind off his parents. He spends his day drawing birds he sees outside the window. Until he finally gets up the guts to text Gabriel about what happened. “I’m in the hospital. I tried to kill myself and survived.” 

Much like he expected he quickly gets a frantic phone call. “Is what you texted me really true?” Gabriel questions. 

“Yeah,” Cas admits barely audible. He feels ashamed by what happened but he didn’t feel like he had any other options. 

“Where are uncle Jimmy and aunt Amy can you put them on the phone?” Gabriel questions still panicked. 

“They aren’t here,” Cas’ says his voice breaking. All of the calm facade he’s been putting on disappears. “They figured it out Gabe and they kicked me out the same night,” Cas says crying there’s no further clarification needed for the statement. 

“Jesus Christ Cassie. Where are you? I’m gonna try and come out to see you,” Gabriel says sounding stressed. 

“I don’t where the hospital is I’ll text you when I find out,” Castiel says trying to stay calm. 

“Okay I’m gonna try and come to see you,” Gabriel says. Before the two say their goodbyes. The second hangs up the phone he just ends up crying more. The next Nurse he sees asks the name and address of the hospital and texts to Gabe. He waits a while for his cousin reply but when he doesn’t Cas give up on hearing back from him for the night goes to sleep hugging Misha the sock monkey to his chest. 

The next morning Cas wakes up to Alistair standing beside the bed. He feels a hand on his thigh the blanket frowns looking up at the doctor. “What are you trying to do?” Castiel questions unsure. 

“Your heart rate monitor cord get caught around your leg. I was just untangling it,” Alistair answers defensively. Cas can’t help but feel that’s a lie he doesn’t bring it up though. 

“I got ahold of your parents. I don’t think they want to take you back,” Alistair states bluntly. 

“I told you. I’ll just go back to the park when I get off here,” Castiel says sadly. 

Alistair reaches over Cas’ hands into his. “You know there’s another option right?” The man says softly. 

“What’s that?” Castiel questions confused. 

“Move in with me,” Alistair states. It’s a question it’s an order. Castiel again finds himself overwhelmed by The doctor. The powerful and wealthy man wants him to move into his home is the best that has ever happened to him. Everything that’s has happened is completely worth it because of this moment. He nods unable to even form words The second that Cas nods Alistair leans in kisses him on the mouth. When the kiss ends Cas is still in complete shock. “Oh no, I’ve broken you,” Alistair jokes at Castiel quietness. Cas just nods blushing even worse than before. 

When Cas finally composes himself enough to form thoughts he has only one question, “So you’re my boyfriend now right?” Castiel asks giving a small smile to the man. 

“Yes,” Alistair answers with a grin on his face. 

“I can’t wait to tell my cousin, Gabriel, I have a boyfriend,” Castiel states sounding genuinely happy. 

This statement causes the grin to fall from Alistair's face. He looks angry but only for a few seconds before he seems to calm himself. “Sweetheart you can’t run around telling that. You’re 14 it’s illegal for us to be together. You can’t tell anyone,” Alistair explains annoyance spilling out into his voice. 

 

“Oh. I hadn’t thought about that,” Castiel replies his face falling. He’s lucked out with finding someone like Alistair. Someone willing to put up with him even though they know how fucked up he is but that he can’t tell anyone how lucky he makes him sad. 

“It’s okay, it can be our little secret. It’s too special for us to share it with anyone else,” Alistair reassures him calmly. 

Castiel nods, “Yes our secret okay,” He agrees before a thought comes to him. “How are we going to get away with living together if we’re not allowed to tell anyone we’re dating?” Castiel questions. 

“Oh, I already thought of that. I’m going ask your parents if I can be your foster parent,” Alistair explains a grin back on his face. 

“Then you’ll be my dad,” Castiel replies wrinkling his nose at that thought. 

“Only on paper though I wouldn’t mind it if you called my Daddy in private. In Fact, I’m that’s our first rule,” Alistair says softly. 

Castiel finds himself blushing again unsure of how to react. “Okay Daddy,” He finally manages it’s then that Alistair rewards him with another kiss. 

“I need to go make some phone calls before my first surgery of the day happens,” Alistair states softly before kissing the top of Castiel’s head and leaving the room. A surgeon, his hot older boyfriend is a surgeon. Castiel thinks before picking up his sock monkey and muffling squeal of glee with the toy. 

It’s then that Castiel’s cell phone beeps he picks it up and see Gabe has finally gotten back to him. “I take to come to see right. I have too many to get done. I’m sorry Cassie,” The text reads. Castiel sigh he had a feeling this was going to happen. 

“It’s okay my doctor is really nice!” He texts back. He really wants to Gabriel about them dating but he doesn’t want Alistair to get in trouble. 

“Well, that’s good. Stay safe, Cassie I hope things start getting better for you,” Gabriel replies back with. 

“I’m Doctor wants to be my foster parent. Since Mom and Dad don’t want me home,” Castiel explains. 

“You just met this man yesterday and you to live with him?” Gabriel questions. 

“Yeah and don’t to try to stop,” Castiel tells his cousin. 

“Fine if you trust him I won’t stop you,” Gabriel says. 

“He’s amazing you’d love him,” Castiel says adding smiley emoji to the end of the message.  
“I’m sure he’s great. I hope he’s a good foster dad,” Gabriel says. That’s the last message Castiel gets from him. 

Castiel spends his time drawing birds and trees taking breaks to sip on water and use the bathroom. He leaves the tv on as noise in the background as he draws. It’s late in the day before he sees Alistair again. “You’re a really good artist,” Castiel hears Alistair say from the doorway. The man walks over to the bed and hits down on it. 

“Thank you, Daddy,” Castiel says blushing at the phrase. 

“I brought you some food again,” Alistair says happily presenting a small takeout container. Castiel opens it and finds what looks like Alistair's leftovers. 

He frowns the contents of the container. “Why haven't the nurses brought me any food?” Castiel softly. 

“Is what I’ve been bringing you not good enough? I don’t have to bring you anything!” Alistair snaps at Castiel. 

Castiel feels fear running through him. “This is fine,” He says calmly taking a chicken tender from the container and beginning to much on it. Trying his best to calm Alistair. 

This seems to calm the older man. He reaches out and pats Castiel on the head making the boy smile in relief. “Good boy,” Alistair tells him. Castiel hopes Alistair doesn’t get angry with him often when they’re living together. “I’m only making you watch what you eat because I care about me,” Alistair explains softly. Castiel is content with that answer, clearly, Alistair must be mean well. He knows this can’t be healthy but must only be trying to help. 

=======================================================================  
The daily pattern continues for a while only being interrupted until one day Alistair comes into the room holding up a piece of paper. “Guess who just became your legal guardian?” He questions cheerfully. 

 

Castiel smiles, “You did Daddy,” He answers. “When do I get to come home?” He asks filled with hopefulness.

“Right now. I managed to get the rest of the day off to help you settle in,” Alistair announces before walking over to the bed and kissing Castiel. “I’m so happy that I can finally take you home,” Alistair states with a smile after pulling away from the kiss. 

Alistair insists on helping Cas dress even though Cas makes it clear that he is able to dress himself. Once in Alistair’s car, Castiel has a few questions. “Are we going to share a room?” he innocently. 

“Of course Castiel that’s what couples do,” Alistair answers sounding annoyed by the question. 

“When do I go back to school?” Castiel asks curiously. 

“Do you have friends at school?” Alistair questions back a hint of jealousy in his voice. 

“No, not really. I’m too quiet to make friends. I spend most of my time drawing,” Cas answers shrugging. He never really thought about it until now. 

Alistair looks relieved by that. “You’re not going to school,” Alistair says sternly. 

Cas assumes the conversation is finished by this point so he pulls out his phone wanting to spend some time on the internet. Apparently, he must have zoned out long enough for Alistair to get angry with him. The older man reaches over and snatches the phone out of Cas’ hands throwing it out of the car window. “Hey!” Castiel shouts out of annoyance. 

“Do not raise your voice at me Castiel! It’s not going to end well!” Alistair shouts back as a warning. “The phone distracting you that’s why it had to go!” He yells at the young one sitting next to him. 

“I didn’t mean to get distracted, I’m sorry Daddy,” Castiel replies keeping his eyes and voice low in hopes of calming Alistair. 

Alistair seems to accept that apology because he doesn’t bother Castiel the rest of the drive. 

============================================================ 

Everything goes well for Castiel’s adjustment into his new life until that night. Castiel was ready to sleep his day had been pretty long. Adjusting into even living inside again was enough a big change in his life to get used to again but living in a house with a completely different way of being run was even harder. Alistair seemed to have a different plan Castiel’s he didn’t just want to sleep. 

A stomach full of razor blades and knives that’s what happened in that bed. Blood staining the blue satin sheets. Castiel tried to fight back he really did. Nothing made it stop not until Alistair was ready for it to stop. 

Any innocence Castiel had left was snuffed out with one horrible act.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel the need to add that I DO NOT agree with Alistair's choice to Identify as LGBT. Feel like shouldn't have to say that but this is the internet and people seem to forget that not everyone supports what happens in fiction happening in real life. So there's my little PSA.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've been gone so long but I'm back at it and I hope that my updates will become more regular. I won't make any promises but I hope to update at least once a week.

Sam wakes up and looks over at the bed beside him and sighs. Still empty, it's not like Cas would magically appear in the night in the form of a guardian angel. No, his Castiel was still being kept from in a QR room, probably stir crazy with boredom. God those rooms were a nightmare, Sam hadn't been in one for as Castiel had not ever. Still, with the little time he had spent in one, he knew they sucked. Cas being in one for over a week now, that must be the closest to hell anyone could get. Then again Cas has been through worse. With that thought Sam finally collects himself enough to climb out of bed, not wanting to dwell on all the things Alastair put his boyfriend through. He gives Misha and Mr. Bear both a strong hug before standing to his feet. The lights are still dimmed, and the clock of the says it's 5:30 am. He has awhile by himself. Sam considers the idea of working out for a bit but that's only until he looks at his dresser. The bundle of cloth Crowley gave him is still inside and untouched no one has come for it yet. "What harm could one look do?" Sam questions himself out loud before shrugging. He walks over and opens up the top drawer opening it and digging the bundle in one swift autopiloted action. Sam sets the bundle down onto his bed. He begins unwrapping the bundle slowly when he finally gets to the contents of the bundle in jaw drops. Yeah, most of what's there is things accepted to find after the broken glass incident, it's more shards of glass, razor blades there's a classic prison shiv in the mix. He can only that Crowley has no plans of stabbing someone with that. It’s everything in the bundle that gets to Sam. Multiple small bottles of vodka, the pocket-sized ones most liquor stores sell for a buck at the checkout counter. The final set of items in the mix being the most shocking verses small containers of pills. Everything else in the bundle isn’t anything that could get Sam into trouble outside of the hospital, but the pills. He has no idea what the pills are. He can only guess that they either someone medication they refusing to take or illegal drugs, either way, it isn’t legal for him to have them. Sam didn’t think he’d be asked to do anything actually illegal when he got into this. He’s quick to pile everything back into the bundle and put it safely back into its place in his top drawer. 

Sam chooses to spend the rest of his morning alone trying not to think about the hidden bundle. Instead, he chooses to focus on staying fit. 

When it’s finally time for breakfast Sam dresses quickly and makes his way cafeteria lining up behind Kevin. Kevin looks behind himself at Sam seeming cheerful today. “I overheard one the nurses talking we’re getting a new patient in and someone has to be moved from QR because the new transfer needs a QR cell,” Kevin comments speaking softly. Clearly wanting this conversation to be between just the two of them. 

Sam finds himself hopeful. The glee on his face must have been clear because Kevin smiles at him. “I hope you get to have Cas back,” Kevin says before turning his attention back to getting food on his plate. 

Once Sam has his own food he finds a seat next with Crowley the rest of his crew. Crowley doesn’t look happy, he looks angry. Everyone at the table seems pretty unfazed except for Kevin that is who actually looks quite scared. “What’s up?” Sam questions nervously.

“That bloody whore Bela might have a chance of being let out of solitary,” Crowley states his voice heavy quiet rage. “She’s the only thing between me and a monopoly of the market in here,” He adds sounding more and more angry with every word he says. 

Kevin reaches out to touch Crowley’s arm in an attempt to calm the older gentleman. Only for Crowley pull his arm away from the young man’s grasp and glare at him. Kevin is quick to sheepishly place his hands in his own lap after this. Yeah and Gabriel thinks his and Cas’ relationship is unhealthy Sam thinks but knows better than to say out loud. 

“What if we could make sure Bela isn’t chosen?” Aaron suggests shrugging. 

Sam nods, “Yeah I like that plan especially if we can get Cas out instead,” Sam says in hopeful agreement. 

This idea seems to calm Crowley enough for him to smile its small mischievous smile. That seems to relax Kevin and perk everyone else at the table but Sam it makes him more nervous. “What’s the plan?” Sam asks nervously. 

“Everyone here when it’s time to meet the shrinks later. Somehow talk about how bad of an influence Bela was or how great Cas is having around whichever comes more naturally in the conservation. If enough of us do this might sway the opinions of the staff,” Crowley orders sternly. Everyone including Sam nods. 

When breakfast is over Sam goes through is normal morning routine. Again he does his best not to think about bundle in his room. He thinks how Castiel how hopefully soon they’ll be together. How it’s Monday he gets to see Dean today. Better things like that. He even makes Cas another card during art. A bit before lunch finds himself in one the lounges with Crowley. Of course, Crowley has control of the remote. Sam is more focused on the book Aaron lent him, something about Jewish folklore Sam honestly was more just skimming the thing than reading it. His mind kept going back to the bundle in his dresser. His mind was heavy with the guilt he's only happy the medication he's on is keeping Lucifer from making him feel even worse about the matter. Then Crowley pats Sam's leg wanting his attention Sam snaps his head up and tucks some the hair the had fallen in his behind his ear with his unbroken hand. "What?" he asks confused. Crowley simply points to the TV.

"Dr. Alastair Damon's lawyer and younger sister Abaddon Damon is making her first public statement about the accusations against her brother his afternoon in the in front of the 15th courthouse downtown today," A woman's voice says voicing over footage of the different protestors already outside the courthouse with signs. Some of the protestors are on Alastair's side something the sickens Sam to see. If anyone one of those people spent 5 minutes in the same room as Cas they'd know they were on the wrong side. The news shows a photo of Alastair in his doctor's coat, or him smiling and working at the hospital. Then a photo of this Abaddon lady, finally Sam put a name the. Her hair in these long red curls, he lipstick a dark crimson like she's some kind heart-eating monster that let the blood dry to her lips. Sam understands why Cas fears her. The news then does something that catches Sam off guard they show a photo of Castiel. Obviously before Alastair got his disgusting hands on the sweet angel. He's young 13 maybe 14 sitting on a fence with a field behind him wearing a school uniform. Makes sense Cas' parents probably spent the boy to a Christian private school they seem like the type. It's a candid photo, maybe from a yearbook or something? Cas looks happy and healthy, not the pale fragile little-broken thing Sam knows. No in this photo he's fit, healthy even tanned like he spends a lot of time outside on the very field in that photo. He's laughing with someone next to him that the news has cropped out. Sam longs for the boy the photo to be his Castiel. The news keeps Sam's attention until the until they move on to something different then goes back to reading his book.

Soon enough lunch time comes and passes by. Then he gets pulled by Charlie to go see Bobby he’s happy with that today. 

The first part of his session is the normal questions about Lucifer and how he’s feeling. Bobby letting use the electric razor in his office to shave. Then Bobby asks Sam something he hadn’t been expecting. “Sam are you aware of the fact that Castiel’s cousin wants to have him transferred to another hospital?” Bobby asks frowning. 

Sam is shocked he shakes his head. “No, I wasn’t aware. I knew Gabe had issues with Cas being around me but I didn’t think he’d try that,” Sam explains feeling overwhelmed. “I’m in love with Cas. I don’t want him to be moved. It’s hard enough with Cas in QR. I don’t think could manage him being permitted transferred. I know I hurt him and I’m sure that’s what this is about but I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen again. I can’t be away from him,” Sam finds himself rambling before he finally has to stop to breath. 

Bobby looks stunned, “I usually don’t feel right enabling codependence but it sounds you two really have a strong bond. One that could your recoveries,” he-man states taking down notes. He looks back over at Sam. “I really hope you to haven’t been getting busy in my hospital,” Bobby says bluntly.

Sam can feel blush spreading across his face. “No never. Cas isn’t....we aren’t ready for that I promise,” Sam says nervously. 

Bobby shakes his head. Before shoving a package of something from his desk drawer at Sam. Sam looks down at the package, condoms. Bobby just threw condoms at him. “You didn’t get those from me. Look if patients are going to be getting busy in a psych hospital I’d rather they have protection then anything else. You folks are gonna end doing it anyway so I might as well make sure it’s done safely,” Bobby explains. He wants to tell Bobby that he wasn’t lying when he said him and Cas aren’t ready for sex but he’s given up trying he just shoves the condoms into is back pocket and mutters a thank you before getting up to leave. He can only hope what he said about Cas gets him out of QR and helps keep Cas with him at this hospital. 

After making sure he gets his meds from the med counter Sam heads back his room and finds Chuck standing the doorway. “Pick up time,” The bathrobe clade man says under his breath. Sam barely hears it and nods. He goes and gets the bundle passes it off when everything is clear. 

“Do you actually know what’s in here?” Sam asks but Chuck only shakes his head. Sam sighs. Kay maybe no one but Crowley knows he isn’t sure what to do with the fact he knows what’s in the bundle. 

“Drop off will be later today,” Chuck says before turning to leave. Sam nods sighing as he enters his room again. He flops down of his bed. What the hell has he gotten himself into? Knives and booze is one thing but he didn’t sign up to be a drug mule. If he backs down he breaks the deal and there’s nothing keeping Crowley from selling to Cas. Who knows if put under enough stress if Cas would actually take up using drugs as well. That thought is enough to keep Sam in the game. He hates what he’s becoming but he can’t stop now. 

The rest of the afternoon and dinner go well. Sam waits patiently for Dean to show up for visitation. Hugging his big brother when he shows up. Dean looks at the seat to Sam and frowns, “Cas is still locked up huh?” The older Winchester questions sitting down as he does so. 

“I miss him, Dee,” Sam says his eyes low and filled with tears. That statement clearly did something to Dean because he reaches out trying to comfort Sam. 

“Hey it’s okay Sammy, you’ll see him again soon,” Dean tries to be reassuring. 

Sam shakes his head, “Not if Gabriel succeeds in having Cas moved to a different hospital,” he says sadly. 

Dean looks at his brother now angry, “You have to be fucking kidding me. Sammy, we will fight this,” He offers. Sam nods. 

The brothers do their best to have a good visit after this. Dean does successfully make his brother actually giggle a few times throughout the visit. Sam’s mood is a lot brighter by the end of everything when he hugs Dean goodbye. Dean has always been good at that.

After this and after his shower Sam heads back to his room. He drops his towel on the floor, “Cas...” he says barely above a whisper. 

A mop of jet black hair snaps up at his dark blue eyes look over his. A small smile and a “Hello Sam,” Cas says his voice tired. 

Sam leaves behind his towel on the floor walking over and hugging Cas before he has a chance to get up even. Castiel is quick to hug Sam back. “Your hugs are getting stronger,” Sam comments unsure of what else to say. 

He feels Cas laughing softly after this comment. “Well being locked in a tiny room with nothing to do but lay in bed and be offered food is going to have its side effect,” Castiel says not exactly sounding happy at the idea of gaining weight. “You’re still wet,” Cas comments running his hand over Sam’s hair. 

“Right sorry about that,” Sam says pulling away from the hug. “You have no idea have much I’ve missed you,” He adds on. 

“Of course I do you missed me as much as missed you,” Cas comments. “I’m sorry I acted in a way that forced me to have to be away from you,” Cas adds looking down at them in shame. 

“No no no none of that. Don’t you feel so bad? Everyone has slip ups it’s okay,” Sam tries being reassuring. 

Cas gives Sam and a small smile before kissing him. When the kiss breaks the couple stays with their foreheads touching still for a few moments. When this finally breaks the pair walk hand in hand to Sam’s bed and curl up. Cas is quick to pull his sock monkey close to his chest. “Did you keep Misha company while I was gone?” Cas questions it takes Sam few seconds to realize Castiel isn’t talking to him he’s talking to Mr. Bear. Sam smiles and makes his teddy bear nod with his hand. This gets a smile from Cas. “That’s good,” Cas says softly before looking up at Sam. Cas blushes and looks a bit shy, “I have something to tell you,” he says shyly before looking away. 

“What is it?” Sam questions unsure. 

Cas while looking away, “I had my first wet dream in over 4 years while we were apart, and it was about you,” he says barely above a whisper and so quick that anyone else but Sam wouldn’t have made out what Castiel was saying. 

Sam isn’t sure how to react to that. It gives him hope but he isn’t sure if that’s just going be misguided in the end. “Does that mean-” Sam begins to ask only to be cut off by Castiel.

“Oh god no,” Cas says shaking his head. Well, that answers his question. “I just...I didn’t even think my brain or body worked that way anymore. Because of everything. All of my sexual dreams I’ve had since....the rapes started have been nightmares. The idea of having one actually be well enjoyable I never thought it could happen again,” Cas comments shrugging. “Up until this point, I thought we’d never be able anything together. But now I think someday maybe we could. Not anytime soon. But someday,” Cas finally finishes off with. 

“It’s a start. This combined with that time we jerked off together is all good news,” Sam says hopefully. “Not that’s the only thing I care about but it would nice,” Sam states. Just when he’s about to suggest they trying doing something again after lights out happens there’s a knock at the door. 

Sam gets up walks over to the door. He doesn’t have to turn around and look to know that Castiel has a confused look on his face. When Sam opens the door he’s greeted by Aaron holding another cloth bundle. Thinking quickly he wraps the bundle in the towel he had dropped in his shock that Cas was back, shoves everything in his hamper. Aaron looks confused by this until Sam gestures moving his head in the direction of Cas behind him on the bed. Aaron must get the hint because he waves at Castiel. “I’m happy you two lovebirds are back together. Uh, congrats on that. That’s just why I’m here. To say that... so I’ll leave now,” He says playing this fake act a little too much before walking off.

Sam shuts the door and walks back his bed. “That was really weird. Has Aaron been feeling alright?” Cas questions looking concerned.

“I have no idea. Super weird yeah,” Sam says stumbling over his words hoping Cas drops the topic soon. The mood has changed too much for Sam to feel okay with bringing lewd topics again. So instead he just curls up and cuddles Cas. 

“I met a new patient. I think he’s the reason I got out of QR. Today’s actually his birthday. I guess his doctors wanted to wait until he was officially an adult before moving him from whatever pediatric ward he was in. He’s really sweet no idea why he’s here. His name is Jack,” Cas states calmly. 

Sam shrugs, “Well he must have a reason to be here. Do you at least know why he’s in QR?” Sam asks curiously.

Cas nods, “He has a habit of stealing food. Especially junk food. He reminds a lot of Gabe that way. I think the staff just want to keep him separate until they figure out a way to keep him from stealing,” Cas explains. 

Sam frowns at the mention of Castiel’s cousin. “Cas why didn’t you tell me Gabriel wants to have you moved to a different hospital?” he questions. 

Cas frowns, “I didn’t want you to worry or be sad. I just wanted you to enjoy what time we had together,” Cas states his voice cracking. Just then happens to be the same moment the lights go dim for the light. Sam eyes no being adjusted to the low light he can’t see Cas properly but he doesn’t need to see Cas know that he’s is crying. 

Sam’s reaction is to pull Cas closer and let him cry it out. “Please don’t be sad,” Sam manages to get out before he too is overwhelmed by emotion. Cas away from him and Sam let him. He can hear Cas trying to collect himself wiping himself on the sleeve of his sweater and all. Sam does the same on his pajama shirt sleeve. 

“Let’s just get some sleep,” Cas suggests sounding a lot weaker than when Sam first found him. 

“Okay,” Sam says pulling Castiel back into cuddles so they both can get some much-needed rest.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas tries to be okay and Sam tries to be a good boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't as long as I hoped. I hope it's still good. Seasonal depression is a bitch so I'm trying my best but I have no idea if it comes off that way.

Cas wakes up he’s alone the bed. It takes his mind a few moments to remember that he isn’t in QR anymore he’s back in his room. He’s in Sam’s bed. Where’s Sam then? He asks himself looking around the room. Sam is laying on the floor working out shirtless. Of course, he just has to be shirtless. Castiel thinks as he watches in transfixed awe.

He waits for Sam to lay back and take a breathing break. Then he gets off the bed and walks over to Sam grinning as he sits on Sam’s stomach. He feels Sam’s muscles tense in confusion as he leans down and kisses him. This kiss quickly becomes a make-out session on the floor. Sam’s hands clinging to Castiel’s hair. When the couple break for air Cas flops down resting himself on Sam’s chest and sighing trying to collect himself. “What was that about?” Sam asks his voice hoarse from lack of air, sleep, and exercise.

“You look hot as hell. That’s what that was about,” Castiel says bluntly.

“Well it’s good to know I still have that going for me despite spending all of the time here, without gym equipment or being able to jog,” Sam says softly.

“I’d love to go for jogs with you,” Cas says lazily. Not really thinking about what he’s saying. 

“Cas I’m not letting you use time with me to feed into your disorder,” Sam replies.

Castiel is hit by what he really said. “I… I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant I’d like to spend time with you doing something you’d enjoy. Like when you watch me paint,” Cas explains. 

“I want to spend time with you too, But I want you to be healthy. I’d be happy to maybe jog with you as long you don’t take it too far,” Sam finally comes to. 

“Well if you’re with me you can look after me so I don’t take it so too far,” Sam says shrugging.

“If I’m honest my asthma would make me be to slow down before my ED did,” Cas admits sitting up. “Alistair’s pre-trial hearing is tomorrow,” He states.

“I wish I could go with you. But tomorrow is when I’m getting this off,” Sam replies holding up his arm cast. 

Castiel shakes his head, “I don't want you there it isn’t gonna be pleasant. I wouldn’t be going if I didn’t have to. It’s gonna be a whole afternoon of Abaddon defending Alistair and trying to get him out on bail until the actual trial and I have to just sit there and listen,” Castiel says grimacing. “Oh and I still have to call Gabe and tell him how pissed I am at him. I want him showing up either,” Cas says his voice filled with anger.  
“Everything will be okay,” Sam states as he rubs Cas’ shoulder gently. 

“I’m scared Sam, This is going to be my first time seeing Alistair since he was arrested. I don’t want to see him,” Castiel says shaking. He flops back down on Sam’s chest. Sam rubs Castiel’s back. 

“I wish none of this ever happened to you,” Sam admits.

Castiel sits up again this time standing and walking over his dresser. “We should get ready for breakfast,” He says still sounding unhappy. 

Sam climbs off the floor and takes something off the desk in the room. He walks over to Castiel and hands him the thing in his hands. Cas looks down at it, a card, he smiles. “You’re getting better at card making. I love it,” Castiel says relaxed again. He sets the card the other little gifts Sam has giving him after hugging it to his chest. Then he wants back his dresser and begins stripping he doesn’t care about Sam seeing today. It’s when he puts his clothes on for the day the problems come. When Castiel pulls up his pants they don’t button. Cas stammers in confusion. He knew this day would come but he didn’t think it would come so soon. He turns to look at Sam who himself is busy putting on a fresh shirt. “I’m pants don’t fit anymore,” He states his mouth dry, the words themselves feeling so foreign. 

Sam looks happy about he walks over kisses Cas. “I’m proud of you this means you’re getting better,” he says. 

“Right,” Cas answers with automatically. He hates this feeling. This place is making him fat. He hates it so much, but he doesn’t like let Sam see that. He simply gives a fake smile and pulls back on his loose pajama pants.  
================================================

Castiel morning goes pretty normal. The only thing out of place is how much time Sam seems to be spending around Crowley. Cas enjoys his yoga and art again, god he’s missed this. When his snack time comes Cas speaks up, “I don’t think I need these anymore. My skinny jeans my don’t fit me,” Cas states.

Jody just smiles, “Well Ellen will be the judge of that later today,” She says sounding hopeful. Cas feels hopeful too, he doesn’t like feeling overfed like a prize pig. The dark thought of, Sam won’t love me if I get fat, briefly crosses Castiel’s mind but he shakes it off quickly. 

Then comes the time for Castiel to call Gabe. He sighs holding the phone in his lap before he dials. He finally gets the courage and dials Gabe picks up quickly before his older cousin can even say hello Cas is off. “How dare you to try to take me away from Sam! I Won’t go without a fight! Unless you get a judge to willing to update my 10-13 I’m not going. You can’t make me. No one can. I won’t leave the man I’m in love with!,” Castiel takes a break from his yelling and he realizes he’s crying. 

“Cassie you’re clearly having some kind of tantrum. I will speak to you when you’ve calmed down. Hopefully, you’ll be calmer for the hearing tomorrow. It isn’t going to be hard to update your 10-13 once I get medical power of attorney,” Gabe states unfazed.

“I am not a child stop trying me like one! I don’t want you at the hearing you aren’t welcome here!” Castiel continues to yell.

“Okay, that’s fine. You’ll think different when you calm down. Until then I have a shoot to do,” Gabe says still unfazed and unamused.

“So starring in a porno is more important than talking me? It’s kind of nice to know Alistair isn’t only one that can’t change,” Castiel snaps before hanging up the phone. He returns the phone and Jody gives him tissues the clean his face. 

“You gonna be okay?” She asks worriedly. 

Cas nods as he blows his nose, tossing the tissues away. “My cousin is being a dick that’s all,” Castiel states before going to look for Sam. 

================================================

Castiel appointment with Ellen comes soon enough. She’s happy with his weight gain. She agrees he stop being forced to have snacks. She even offers to start buying him new clothes to make him feel better about putting on weight. It’s what comes after that really gets to Castiel. “Cas, Jody said your cousin Gabriel upset you earlier?” She questions looking at her papers. 

Cas tenses up. “I...He was belittling how I felt,” Castiel staring off. He hears writing. 

“How do you feel about the hearing tomorrow?” She questions in the same tone as before. 

“I don’t want to go,” Cas states clenching his jaw. “I don’t want to see his face after everything he did to me. I hate him so much, but I know part of me still does see the good in him. I know that’s fucked up but I can’t help it. I feel like betrayed him but I’m scared of seeing angry,” Cas replies. “I don’t want to talk about Alistair anymore…” He states.  
“Okay Cas I won’t make you talk about him anymore,” Ellen says trying to calm Cas with a smile. 

After his appointment, Cas finds Sam in the hallway. They decide to go to a lounge for cuddles. They curl up together and hold hands enjoying their time together. Castiel decides the open his phone call. “I don’t understand why he’s treating me this way,” Castiel says frustrated. 

“Sometimes people don’t straight when it involves people they love,” Sam replies. Cas curls deeper into Sam’s side. 

“Yeah, stupid people do stupid things. That’s how the world works. That doesn’t make it right,” Castiel answers. Crowley gets up and leaves the remote behind. Cas gets excited until Sam moves him so he can get up as well. “Where are you going?” Castiel answers furrowing his brow in confusion. 

“I just need to use the bathroom,” Sam answers. He leans done to kiss the top of Castiel’s head before he walks away. Cas stops caring about this he picks up the remote left behind changes the channel to something more interested. 

When Crowley and Sam come back at the same time. This Castiel finds strange but he just wants to get back to cuddling with Sam. There’s something about cuddling with Sam while still in his pajamas that makes Cas feel extra cozy and hopeful. He can imagine doing this when they're out of here. When this hospital is just a distant memory.  
================================================  
When dinner comes Castiel is actually hungry. He can only guess it’s because he hasn’t been forced to eat extra food all day. 

“How are you handling your current shipment?” Chuck questions Sam nonchalantly. The whole table falls silent after this. 

“What are you talking about?” Sam asks stabbing more of his scalloped potatoes with his fork. 

There’s an awkward pause before the conversation keeps picks up again. Castiel is really starting to thinks there’s something he’s missing. 

He’ll have to talk to Sam about it later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to add this note, oops doing it now before anyone asks. A 10-13 in the US is a court order to force someone into mental health treatment. Both Cas and Sam have one in this fic. Also, medical power of attorney is what happens when an adult is deemed unable to make their own medical choices.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas finds out about the deal Sam made. Then steamy stuff happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's not very long but I hope it's good. commissioned art for this story is being worked on. The next chapter will come out when the artist finishes that piece :)

Sam walks back from the shower drying off his still damp hair. Cas follows behind entering their shared room shortly after Sam. Castiel opens the hamper going to toss his dirty clothes and used towel in. Sam rushes over his hair dripping onto the floor, grabbing clothes and towel putting them in for Cas. Cas blinks staring at his boyfriend. “You’ve been acting weird all day, why is that?” Castiel asks his eyes squinting with suspicion. Sam feels his heart beating against his rib cage. This overwhelming rush of fear and guilt filling his boy as he tries to come up with an answer.

A small nervous laugh escapes Sam’s mouth. Then he gives a small clearly fake smile. “W-what? I’m not being weird,” Sam declares defensively. This really isn’t going well Sam thinks.

“It’s not just you all of our friends have been acting weird as well,” Castiel states bluntly. “It has something to do with the hamper doesn’t it?” Castiel concludes. 

“No it doesn’t just come to bed,” Sam says reaching out to grab Cas’ wrist.

Castiel pulls away before Sam can reach him. “Don’t!” Castiel snaps. Sam pulls his hand back close to his chest feeling even more guilty, he doesn’t want to upset Cas even more. Castiel begins rooting through the hamper. Until finally he pulls out the cloth bundle. “What the hell is this?” He questions in confusion.

“I can explain...I…,” Sam begins but he has no idea how to finish this sentence. There's no way he can explain this away. “I’m doing this because I love you,” Sam finally comes up with. The look of Sam’s face shows Sam that isn’t going to work this time. 

“Tell me what this is,” Castiel demands. Before looking down at the bundle. “Please, you’re starting to worry me,” Cas says all anger falling from his voice. 

This only furthers Sam’s guilt. Cas being anger is rare but he’s used to anger from his father and even Dean. He’s not used disappointment and sadness. This gets to him. Sam walks over to the bundle and Cas steps back letting him. He pauses after unwrapped the first layer. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself with what’s in here. Stopping you from doing that is whole reason that I agreed to this,” Sam states much to Castiel’s confession.

Sam turns back and finishes unwrapping the bundle. Revealing a pile of razors, broken glass and pills. Sam turns and sees Cas’ jaw hanging open. “How…..Why….” Cas keeps beginning to speak but can never finish what he’s trying to say. 

“I made a deal with Crowley. I keep his goods, in exchange for payment and that he agrees to never sell to you again,” Sam confesses.

Castiel rumbles, any ounce of anger he had left in his is gone. “You agreed to be involved in illegal activity because how badly me cutting scared and upset you,” Castiel finally says in an understanding tone. “You can call off your deal now. I won't hurt myself,” Castiel states. “You were incredibly stupid Sam but I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same,” Cas says shaking his head. He walks over cupping Sam’s face and kissing him. 

=================================

Castiel feels guilty for everything he's about to do. While Sam is distracted by their kiss Cas goes for the razor blades. He knocks one to the floor nudges it under Sam's dresser with his foot. Yes, it’s wrong. He lied to his boyfriend and is hiding things from him however in the coming days may need an outlet. Standing before Alistair is going to be stressful for him.

Having to look that demon in the eyes. The demon that raped and tortured but all at the same time saved him and took care of him for years. Part of Castiel’s mind regrets ever telling Sam about any of this. He loves Sam but part of him still cares for Alistair. 

When their kiss breaks Cas smiles. “You can stop working for Crowley now, ” Cas tells his boyfriend.

Sam’s face falls. “Cas it's not that easy. He's not gonna just let me walk away, ” Sam states, his hands shaking nervously.

“I don't….” Cas begins but stops he looks down. “I don't want you to get in trouble Sam. If you got in trouble because of me I wouldn't be happy, ” Castiel replies.

“If I get caught I'll take Crowley down with me so it’ll be worth it, ” Sam says with a smile.

Cas grins, “I think I like you being a bad boy, ” he says feeling blush creeping across his face. He’s being honest but he also wants a distraction. He doesn't want to think about Alistair anymore or his urges to self-harm. He only wants to think about Sam. 

“Oh yeah?” Sam questions as he pulls Cas close with his hand wrapped around his waist. 

Castiel blushes more and nods. He has something he wants to ask but he's too shy. He builds up his courage. “Sam, do you remember when we jerked off together?” Cas questions. He likes the idea of being in charge of their sexual relationship. He's in control and he knows it. 

Sam blushes to catch to what Cas wants. Sam gets out of him and goes back to the bundle folding it back up, tying and putting it back into the hamper. 

When that's done with Cas takes Sam's hand. They both sit down on Sam's bed facing each other. The taller male digs around up his pillow until he finds the lube and washcloth. Sam grins holding those items up to Cas. Castiel unsnaps the cloth fly of his pajama pants and pulls himself out. Sam follows suit. Then Cas reaches down takes the lube and uncaps it. He squirts out a good amount onto his hand. Then begins stroking himself to hardness. He grins when he sees Sam already semi-hard just from seeing him stroke himself. After a few moments of this Sam does same as Cas taking lube and stroking himself. 

Cas eyes fixed on Sam. He gets an idea he lets go of himself and leans over to Sam. “May I touch you?” Cas asks wanting explicit consent. Sam nods in shock. Castiel takes this as his answer. He wraps his hand around Sam's cock and begins stroking him. Cas watches with glee as Sam throws his head back from his work. He speeds up focusing around the head of the cock. The look of enjoyment on Sam's face keeps Castiel going. Soon enough the cock is spent cum seeping from it. Cas wipes up the cum with the washcloth.

“Where’d that come from?” Sam asks panting still coming down from his orgasm. 

Cas shrugs, “I don’t know I just wanted to have some control over things. I really liked that, ” he explains.

“I think I like you taking control like that, ” Sam says with. “Can I return the favor?” Sam questions.

“No, not yet, ” Cas replies. He's not ready for Sam to touch him. Castiel begins to stroke himself again Sam just watches. It doesn't take long for Cas to end up spilling over outside of him. He uses the same cloth he used for wiping off Sam for himself.

The couple both put their limp cocks away. Then Cas turns around and flops back against Sam’s chest. “I love you so much, ” Cas says.

Sam wraps his arms around Castiel's stomach. “I love you too, ” Sam replies. Sam leans down and kisses Castiel’s shoulder from behind. 

The pair cuddle until they both fall asleep


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the calm before the storm. It is a group of friends trying to make the best out of their day with mischievous behavior. It's day before Castiel's first court hearing. 
> 
> (Also new official art is at the bottom of this chapter so you gotta read it to see that).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am officially seeking a Beta/Editor possibly more then one for this story. So if you wanna do that just comment that and I'll talk things out with you. Thank you for your support.

When Sam wakes up Castiel is still sound asleep clinging to him. He keeps still not wanting to wake his sweet angelic boyfriend up. His mind wanders to the night before. Cas’ hands around his length. He blushes. No, he needs not to think about that. He doesn't want to have to deal with excitement this morning. He's getting cast of Tomorrow, finally. Being able to jerk off with his preferred hand again that's gonna be nice. Okay yeah so much for not making his morning wood even worse.  

 

It's also Castiel's court date tomorrow Sam hates his body for being so horny today of all days. A lube is under the pillow under Cas’ head he can't get to it without waking him up. He could wake his boyfriend up to join him. He really isn’t sure how Castiel would react to that. It seems like something Alastair would do. Wake Cas up just for sex acts. That's if he didn't force himself on Castiel while he slept. Sam clenches his jaw. He hates thinking about that stuff. 

 

Sam gingerly begins trying to pull himself from under his boyfriend's. He can get Cas’ off of him easily if he wanted to, the smaller male is light enough. However, he doesn’t want to wake him up. Cas grips Sam's shirt with his hands and whimpers. “Sorry, sorry, I need to get up, ” Sam says softly as he peppers Castiel's head with small kisses. Sam tucks his hair behind his ear and uses his good hand to pull Cas’ hand off his shirt. Before Castiel can stir due to the loss Sam replaces himself with the sock monkey near Castiel's head. Putting the sock monkey into Cas's arm.

 

Castiel pulls the plush tight to his chest and Sam's sighs in relief. Then Sam finally completely pulls himself from under Cas. However, instead of getting up, Sam falls out of his bed. 

 

Sam cringes when he hits the floor with a thud. He pops his head up. And sees tired squinting blue eyes staring back at him. “Did you just fall out of bed?” Cas asks sleepily. 

 

“Nah I was just doing sit-ups. I must have laid back too hard, ” Sam lies nervously. 

 

Cas yawns hugging his sock monkey neatly and stretches. He sits up pulling his sock monkey with him. He hugs his knees to his chest, squishing his plush. “I wish I could just stay in bed and sleep forever, ” Castiel states frowning.

 

“Hey hey hey it's okay, ” Sam says furrowing his brow with concern. Sam climbs back onto the bed rubbing Cas’ shoulder. “Cas I have days like this too. It's hard you can get through this...we both can together, ” Sam insists. 

 

“I don't want to go to court, ” Cas says. “I don't want to see him ever again, ” Cas says more and more exhaustedly. 

 

“And after the trial, you won't have to, ” Sam reassures. 

 

Castiel looks at Sam. “I want to see the pills Crowley gave you, ” Cas states his eyes empty.

 

“No, I am not letting you do that to yourself, ” Sam replies. 

 

“Okay. Okay. You’re right, ” Castiel states taking deep breaths. He throws his back and closes his eyes. Trying to calm himself. “I should just draw, ” Castiel calmly suggests to himself.

 

“Yeah draw a picture I can give to Dean when I see him today, ” Sam suggests. 

 

Castiel gives a small smile and stands up. He runs his fingers through the wild mess of raven hair atop his head. Sam still has never once seen Cas comb his hair.  Cas sits down at his desk and Sam begins actually doing sit-ups now. 

 

==================================

 

At breakfast, Cas notices a familiar face. It's a new face amongst the breakfast crowd. However, Castiel knows this face. It's Jack the young man he lost his QR cell too. He's finally out of QR. Castiel approaches him mustering up what little friendly energy he has despite the day ahead. “Hi, Jack. Uhm do you wanna sit with my friends and I?” He questions waving politely. 

 

Inside Cas feels his head filling up with all the terrible thoughts he's tried keeping at bay. He just to shrug the thoughts off and feelings off. His ribcage cradles dirt and leaves. He's barren inside instead. That's all he can do to and make the thoughts stop. They must stop he can't be weak not today. Not in front of Gabriel and Alastair.  Not today not ever again.

 

“Hey, Cas, ” Jack says with a smile waving back. “I think I'd like that, ” Jack says with a sure nod.

 

Castiel is relieved. His suppression of emotion has worked. He needs to keep doing this. If he fakes enough maybe he will be okay he thinks to himself. 

 

Jack follows behind Castiel to his seat. Castiel, Sam, and Jack decide to sit by themselves. That makes Cas happy. He's not very happy with Crowley and the others right now.

 

==================================

 

Sam finds Castiel and Jack's interactions. He's happy Cas seems to be distracting him from the events. Sam keeps noticing similarities between the pair. The way they eat and move. Sam finds himself staring at them both. Cas looks over at him. “What are you looking at?” Cas questions.

 

“Are you sure you two aren't related?” Sam asks chuckling

 

Both the young men across from him tilt their heads in unison and Sam laughs harder.

 

“Yes, I'm sure Castiel and I aren't related, ” Jack insists. 

 

Sam shakes his head, “If you’re sure both sure then okay.

 

Both Jack and Cas stare at Sam but continue eating their food. Sam notices Castiel struggling. He Sam keeps reaching over to comfort him but Cas keeps waving him off. Is that good or bad? He's never done that to Sam before. Sam hopes it's good. He just keeps an eye on Cas while he finishes his food.

 

After breakfast and the first group therapy, the trio reunite. They join Crowley and others in one of the lounges. It seems Cas couldn't punish Kevin for his boyfriend's actions. Kevin, Cas, and Jack all have some kind of putty. “What’s that?” Sam questions. 

 

“We made slime in our occupational therapy group, “ Cas explains looking relaxed. 

 

“I made some too I have no use for it, ” Crowley states boredly watching the trio of eighteen-year-olds sat on the floor playing with slime. 

 

Sam watches them play. Cas has glitter blue slime. Jack’s slime is a shiny gold color. A Kevin’s slime is a deep red with what looks like beads inside it. Castiel looks so calm finally. Sam wants to feel that good too. “Can I...Can I have your slime?” Sam stumbles over his words glancing over at Crowley. 

 

The older gentleman sighs and tosses a container over Sam, “Here you are, Moose, ” Crowley says shrugging. 

 

“Thank you, ” Sam says softly as he picks up the container. He eyes the container before opening it. Jet Black slime. It reminds Sam of tar it doesn't matter it's still slime. Sam begins playing with it. 

 

Any chance Sam and Castiel get the rest of the morning they get out their pots of slime. 

 

During Jack sits with everyone. Crowley keeps facepalming at how naive Jack is. Jack is even more clueless about the world around him then Castiel is, and that's saying a lot. Jody comes over to give Cas a candy bar. That's new Sam is confused. 

 

Cas is also confused he looks up at her eyes wide, he must also be confused. “Your blood sugar was low when it was taken earlier, ” She explains.

 

“Oh, ” Cas says frowning. He reluctantly pulls back the foil and takes a bite. Cas doesn't look happy but he doesn't like he wants to puke either so that's good by Sam's standards.

 

“Can I also have candy?” Jack questions.

 

Jody takes the boy’s shoulder gently. “No honey you can't but I’ll put in a word with the doctor's for you to get snacks,” Jody explains calmly.

 

“Okay, ” Jack replies a bit disappointed. 

 

When Jody walks away. Crowley presents a set of keys. Grinning when everyone at the table looks at this wonder. “I got these off a cleaning lady. They happen to be for one of the main supply closets. Goodies for all, ” 

 

“How are we gonna sneak in there?” Jack is the first to ask what everyone is clearly thinking. 

 

A plan is quietly thought up. Everyone will pretend to be using the restroom. Instead one by one they will file into the supply closet.

 

================================

 

Castiel really has no interested in whatever is in this closet. He already has his razor blade if he needs it. He's tagging along for fun anything to keep his mind off tomorrow. Looking at the face of the man that raped him. He needs to not think about that. 

 

When there’s enough free time after the afternoon psychiatrist appointments. The plan is carried out. 

 

Soon enough, Castiel, Sam, Jack, Kevin, and Crowley are all piled into the supply closet. 

 

Jack goes straight for the snacks of course. Plopping himself on the floor with his hoard of sweets. “I like nougat, ” He announces happily. 

 

“Yeah, I can see that,” Kevin replies going for sharp goods.

 

Castiel just sits on the floor watching everyone. Sam begins digging through a box near Cas, “What are you going for?” He asks.

 

Sam shrugs, “Useful stuff, ” he replies sounding unsure. Cas shrugs too accepting that.

 

“Jackpot, ” Crowley says loudly enough it gets everyone's attention. He’s holding up a few bottles of mouthwash.

 

“That’s just mouthwash, ” Cas comments. He isn't sure what's happening.

 

“Wait that mouthwash has alcohol in it. I thought they weren't supposed to give us that here?” Sam questions.

 

“Exactly they aren't. This must be old enough it's from before that policy started, ” Crowley explains. He opens one the bottles and begins drinking from it.

 

“That can't be good for you,” Jack says looking dumbfounded. 

 

Castiel feels a rush in his body. He's found a way to numb his feelings for sure he doesn't have to force himself to be barren this will do it for him. “Crowley toss a bottle over here, ” Cas demands. 

 

Crowley does as requested. Cas catches the large bottle. It's glass how old is this crap? He questions. Nevertheless, he uncaps it. When he goes to take a swig he sees Sam looking at him. “What the fuck are doing Cas? Drinking expired mouthwash for a buzz?” Sam states he sounds disgusted. That doesn't stop Cas. He takes a long swig. This shit burns and tastes like crap but it's doing trick. It isn't any worse than drinking with Alastair that burned and tasted awful too. 

 

When Cas stops drinking and opens his eyes Sam is looking at him horrified. Castiel feels the warmth of the makeshift beverage feeling his body he feels he relaxed. Truly good for once. He offers the bottle to Sam. “You want some, ” Cas says hiccuping already. Sam looks around the closet. Everyone else is drinking. The peer pressure gets him and Sam takes a sip a small sip.

 

Only 3 of them are willing to take more than a few sips and that's Kevin, Crowley, and Cas. Jack quickly loses interest in the closet leaves with his spoils. Leaving Sam alone the three boozers.

 

================================

 

In short amount of time, Sam is the only sober one left. Crowley and Kevin are drunkenly making out in one corner. Sam really doesn't like how rough Crowley keeps getting with Kevin during this. 

 

Cas doesn't notice them at really. Cas does, however, notice Sam. He notices Sam a lot. Castiel clumsy claims unto Sam’s lap, still in his pajamas due to the lack of fitting jeans. Sam looks up at Castiel yeah he’s clearly drunk. Castiel kisses Sam it's a messy sloppy kiss with the smell and taste of booze heavy in his mouth. Castiel has his hands gripped in Sam's hair unwilling to let go. Sam does manage to pull away only to be met with the saddest most innocent look he's ever seen on Cas. His boyfriend clearly feels rejected. “Cas no. You are drunk, ” Sam says. 

 

“I wan-nt dis, ” Cas response with slurred and broken.

 

Sam sighs “You don't know that. You can't decide that right now, ” Sam insists. Cas responses to this by shoving his hands under Sam's shirt. Sam's hands are firmly planted on the ground. He won't touch Castiel when he’s like this. If he did he'd be no better then Alastair.

  
  


Castiel looks at Sam and tilts his head in the same cute way did he earlier. Something is off though. Cas seems so much more confused than normal. “Sam, ” Cas hums his voice low. “I-I wan..want you, ” Cas says struggling to speak.

 

Sam shakes his head. “Cas you can barely speak I’m not touching you right now, ” Sam says sternly. 

 

Castiel isn't stepping down. Sam know what to do.

 

Suddenly the door to the closet flies open. “What the hell is going on in here?!” Jody and a few other staff members are standing in the doorway. Cas, Kevin, and Crowley are all very slow to react. Sam, however, is very relieved. 

 

===================================

After the party has been crashed. Crowley and Kevin both get in trouble. Jack is lucky he got out before everyone else got caught. Plus no one is willing to rat on the poor kid.

 

As for Castiel because if his court date happening the next day he isn't punished. He's just left in the infirmary to sober up. Sam didn't steal anything or get drunk so he's gotten lucky. He's not in trouble.

 

Later that night when Cas has sobered up. Sam and Castiel are in their usual cuddled position in Sam’s bed. Cas has his head rested in his boyfriend's chest. “You didn’t touch me when I was drunk,” Cas states hushed.

 

Sam shrugs, “I couldn’t it ever take advantage of you, ” Sam reassures him rubbing his back as he does so.

 

“And that fact makes me dread tomorrow so much more, ” Castiel sighing.

================================

This art piece was done by my good friend [SugarStarAquaria](https://www.deviantart.com/sugarstaraquaria/gallery/) so go on over to DA and send her some love. I'm over the moon for this piece. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't drink mouthwash kids. Just don't.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 for the court hearing stuff. And Sam's time without Cas (Sorry to split this but It was this or making you guys wait even longer)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been very sick both Mentally and physically and still am but here you go.

Cas can't sleep he wishes he hadn't sobered up. He lays in bed staring off at the wall, trying to suppress his urge to shake. He's not looking for the day ahead. He turns his attention away from the wall looks at Sam sleeping soundly next to him wrapped around him, completely unaware of the anxiety of his boyfriend. Castiel runs his shaking hand through his raven hair. The young man turns his attention to the dresser and razor blade under the dresser. He looks away and mutters, “Don’t do it, ” to himself. Looking at Sam. “Don't do it. He wouldn't want you to, ” he says to himself. Cas bites his lip and looks over at the dresser then back at Sam. “Please forgive me, ” he tells the man sleeping man leaning over and kisses him. Before gently moving Sam off of him a quickly replacing himself with Mr.Bear. The large man stirs pulling the bear tightly to his chest. 

Cas kneels down in front of the dresser. He can't see underneath. He bites his lip again and braces himself. The only to find the blade in the dark is to stick a hand under the dresser until the blade finds him. So that's just what he does he reaches around blindly. Waiting for it.

Then he finds it he feels the blade cut into his thumb. He lets out a hiss from the pain he manages to get ahold of the blade and pull it out from under the dresser. Castiel looks at his thumb he's not bleeding much. He pops his thumb in his mouth and laps at the wound waiting for the bleeding to stop enough for him to continue. He feels like such a baby sitting on the floor with his thumb in his mouth. 

When the bleeding stops enough for him continue he rolls up his sleeve goes work. He finds a towel the hamper clean himself when he's done. His whole arm stinging from the rows of red he rides the razor in his deodorant as he had with his previous one. 

He then sits on his own bed filled with numbness and relief. He leans against the wall. Looking over at Sam he finally closes his eyes. 

Cas here's noises and begins stirring he looks up and sees Sam standing over him, ” Why were you sleeping sitting up?” Sam questions with confusion. 

Cas shrugs, “I must have just been really tired, ” He says not quite making eye contact.

Sam just looks even more confused, “Well we should go get breakfast, ” He says not addressing asking why Cas left his bed in the first place. 

“I think Rowena said she is buying me breakfast on the way the courthouse. That's what she told Ellen on the phone, ” Cas says knowing it's not really true. She said she'd treat to coffee not food but he couldn’t care less about eating right now. 

Sam looks distressed Castiel wonders why until he looks and realizes his thumb is why worse than thought he last night then there's a deep awkward gash in the tip. “I think hurt it on part of the bed frame, ” Cas lies nervously. 

“Is that why you left the bed?” Sam asks. Castiel just nods gets up. Cas gets his thumb bandaged by a nurse and sits down with Sam his friends. Luckily Benny pays the “My lawyer is buying me food, ” Claim and doesn't push the issue. 

“Are you nervous?” Aaron asks hushed like he's saying something he shouldn't. 

Castiel pulls his arms around himself feeling his cuts rub against his sleeve. “Of course I'm nervous, ” he says looking down. He feels Sam gently place his hand on his back and leans into the touch. 

Before breakfast is even another Ellen comes rushing in over to holding a dry cleaning back. “Here's your rental suit go get ready Rowena will be here soon, ” The older says a bit frantic. 

Cas takes the bag and heads the nearest bathroom where he dresses. When he's shirtless he gets the first good at his arm. All wounds are closed. Lines of crimson dried blood amongst a forest of faded pink. Ellen told him once during Therapy that his scars a roadmap. He thinks they look more like a trainwreck. How does Sam find him attractive? He's disgusting. Castiel puts on his suit and folds up his clothes stepping out of the stall. He leaves his tie loose he can't be bothered to tie it properly. He can't believe Ellen even gave him a tie. He looks up at the ceiling. Well, there's nothing to try tying the blue striped fake silk off too. Figures. 

He then sighs and exits the bathroom. Instead of going to the front nurse's station to wait for Rowena he goes back the cafeteria to see Sam.  
============================

Castiel comes into view stands up and goes over to hug him. The older male relaxes when the raven-haired young man hugs him back. When the hug break Cas surprises his boyfriend with a kiss. Sam feels a wave of stunned shock come over him. They've never kissed into of anyone before. His love for Castiel consumes him and begins kissing back. When the kiss breaks Cas smiling him. Until they both look around and realize the whole cafeteria is staring at the couple. Well if anyone was still unsure the two are dating that would solve their question Sam thinks. “Be brave, ” Sam tells boyfriend. 

“I will be, ” Cas replies with a half smile before going off to the nurse's station. 

Sam sits down in his seat feeling overwhelmed. He doesn't know when Cas is coming back. He doesn't know when Dean is coming to get him so he can get his cast taken off. He doesn't like not knowing. 

Shortly after this, it's for a time the first group. Today Sam's first group is art therapy. He hopes he can make something worthy of giving to Cas. His boyfriend will always be better at art than him but that doesn't stop Sam from trying. Today it's paper mache. He's sat across from Jack. Who is putting more of the paste of his hands than anywhere else? Sam looks at him with confusion. “What are you doing?”

Jack looks at him and smiles wide, “I’m gonna let it dry to my hands and then eat it off, ” he proclaims with confidence. 

Sam simply shakes his head. He's really missing have Cas around help parent Jack. “Don't eat the paste Its not good you, ” He chassis the teen. 

The warning falls on deaf ears as Jack begins licking the paste off his hands. Sam just sighs in response.  
============================

Castiel sits across from Rowena in some little tea shop she insisted they go to instead someplace with coffee in the end. There's Pentacle hanging the stained glass window, reflecting rainbow lights across tea shop. Cas wishes he could replicate that effect in his paintings. This also makes him question if Crowley delusions of his mother being an evil which was fueled by the possibility of the woman actually being pagan. He can't but smile inside at his parent's reaction to him their gay son that's wandered from the path to heaven sitting in a tea shop with a which. 

He's pulled from his thoughts by Rowena slamming her folder on the table. “Castiel is even listening to me?” The woman asks sounding annoyed with him. Cas finally looks away from the window. 

“Sorry I got distracted by the window, ” he explains a bit ashamed by how easily his mind wandered. 

Rowena looks flustered at him. “Well pay attention, ” she orders. The teen just nods and picks up his mug sipping from it, he feels the cuts on his arm rubbing the rough fabric of his dress shirt as he moves. For tea, this isn't half bad. “As you know Alastair is going to plead not guilty, ” The fiery lawyer states. Cas nods again.

“He'll never own to anything he did to me, ” Castiel says his breaking. 

Rowena reaches across the table and takes his hand. “That's why we’ll leave it up to the jury not him. This hearing is just to get the dates and everything for the trial sorted. You won't have to speak you don’t even to look at him. Just let me deal with Abaddon. The slimy wench, ” Rowena states her voice going from comforting to bitter as she speaks. Cas just nods. Her words don't do much to ease his anxiety and terror at even being the same room as Alastair.  
===============================

Sam is sitting in a circle a talking based group about coping mechanisms. He doesn't have much to say. Charlie comes in with a cheerful smile, “Dean's here!” She announces gleefully. “And you don't have to be back until after dinner, ” she adds on. Sam stares at her confused, getting his cast off shouldn't take that long. “You got your first-day pass! Go out enjoy yourself” The red explains. 

Sam can't help but thank her. He has no idea if she had anything to do with this but he's grateful.  
He makes his way to the front nurse's station and sees Dean there. Dean pats his back and hugs the younger brother back. “Hiya Sammy, ” Dean says clearly happy.

“Hi, ” Sam replies feeling a bit unsure of himself. He's about to go outside for the first time since entering the hospital. 

A nurse behind the counter passes Sam his shoes. Sam is quick to sit down and get them on beaming at how amazing he feels. He gets to spend the whole day with Dean. The only thing that could make this better is Castiel being able to join them. Someday he declares. Someday the will happen.  
=========================

Rowena pulls up to the front of the courthouse. Cas looks out the window from her passenger seat and sees the protestors. So many of them are actually supporting Alastair. It makes him sick. Would he be allowed to use the bathroom alone? The urge to shove his fingers down his throat is filling him…

“We can take the back door, ” Rowena offers sympathetic. 

Cas shakes his head and takes a deep breath. Bracing himself for what's to come. Then he pulls open his door and steps out of the car. Ready to face the music.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and happy comments are my fuel to keep going so be sure to leave that before you go


End file.
